American Horror Story: Roanoke recap: 'Chapter 9' 

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For the sake of time (and sanity), let’s just skip past the obvious joke about America being an

horror story after last night’s election results, shall we?

We were promised one survivor would emerge from the trenches of the horror house at Roanoke, and lo, that person has been revealed in tonight’s penultimate chapter of

. It’s…not who you thought it would be. And I say that because while it

a person we’ve come to know and care about throughout the course of this on-par gory season, on the outside at least, you can take the girl out of Roanoke but you can’t take the Roanoke out of the girl.

The episode opens with a trio of new faces, clad with GoPros, hiking helmets, selfie sticks, a hellish disregard for danger, the works. The ringleader is played by Taissa Farmiga, and these three kids run a fansite dedicated to the original run of

, as one does nowadays. Since reaching viral status is the millennial dream, apparently, they’re convinced it’s just a dandy idea to traipse into the woods and visit the house themselves during the blood moon.

(Side note: I know I said we weren’t going to talk politics tonight, but it seems especially relevant these kids are having side discussions about the patriarchy and the perils of a “post-racial society” right now, no? Anyway.)

wannabes aren’t the only newcomers joining the fold at this maniacal mansion: Wes Bentley’s just arrived to do his small bidding for the season as Sydney’s assistant, Gus, who’s been instructed to put on a pig mask (‘cause there’s not enough of those running around right now) to help spice things up a bit on set. He doesn’t have a car, of course, and instead arrived via Uber (we meet again, Rhett Snow). Having a car would be too easy-peasy for the girls’ escape plans, wouldn’t it? What’s worse is for some inexplicable reason, he doesn’t have a cell phone on hand, either.

have to offer to the recent Polk refugees, Audrey and Lee, is a gung-ho demeanor about springing poor Monet from the clutches of the Confederate-Flag-waving hillbillies because of his “no man left behind” militaristic mantra. Let’s be honest here: He’s easy pickins from the word go, and everybody knows it.

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