All credit goes to cosmiclovecb!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we tuned in this week for yet another episode of “Inside” meets “The Chuck Bass/Maury Povitch Crossover Show.” The episode had it’s ups–Nate appearing to give not just one, but two fucks about his best friend again– and lows–anytime Claire and Dylan conversed pretentiously on our screens. Which was a lot.

Basically, Dan and Blair threw a boring party and were boring hosts with their boring relationship, continuing to bring out the boring worst in each other with their boring breakup looming. There has to be a reason why the writers are making DB into the worst couple yet on GG and considering that terrible couples on this toon include Vanessa and Scott, that’s saying a LOT. Blair is so out of the loop right now, it’s ridiculous. And why we think it’s upsetting that Blair no longer seems to care about anyone anymore, we are waiting patiently for 5.22, when she most likely will start to remember who Blair Waldorf really is and reevaluate her priorities.

Lola left. Serena is still playing Gossip Girl, and Rufly are fighting a lot. So those things happened. Also, Nate is a real motherfucker. Chuck’s newest mother, that is.

Chuck is truly the whipping boy of the GGWriters. There has not been ONE episode this season where he wasn’t being roundhouse kicked in the hart-, hart and we bet he kinda sorta wishes he could go back to the days when he was paying people to hurt him so he could feel something. It would seem that Safran went there after all, and retconned a retcon of a retcon. ALLEGEDLY, Elizabeth Fisher is not his mother after all. Elizabeth Hurley on the other hand…is. This makes no sense for about 8763379964333 reasons, but since nothing makes sense this season, whatever. We’ll go with it. Okay, we lie–we don’t believe Diana is Chuck’s mother for a second. Obviously Diana is trying to side-track Chuck to keep him from finding out the REAL secret. Telling someone you’re their real birth mother is always a great method of distraction. Works. Like. A. Charm. Everytime.

The whole “let’s fuck with Chuck’s family history” thing has gotten old, and beyond depressing. It’s basically like this: “Your mom’s dead! She died giving birth to you. Just kidding. Here she is. Oh damn, she just fucked u over. Okay, jokes. u got no mother. Okay, u do. She just fucked your best friend. “And they ain’t done yet. We know there are meer bas, bass family bombs to be dropped this season and we really hope someone confiscates Chuck’s shoelaces, belts and scarves when it explodes. We hope Nate’s keeping an eye on his boy—especially since, u know, he could be his stepfather someday.

According to our sources…by which we mean twitter…there was a lovely Chuck/Lily scene filmed for the episode that had to be cut in order to save time because heaven forbid any of those super riveting and plot driving DB scenes be cut. This episode NEEDED a Chily scene like no other episode before. Chuck needs a hug BADLY and he needs zei hug from his actual mother. Because all these crazy bitches can float in and out of his life, rearrange his life, fuck with his head, lie to him, etc, but Lily busje, van Der Woodsen-Bass-Humphrey freaking loves her boy as if he were truly her own. And Chuck really needs his mommy right now. Have no fear though, friends. According to the director, this episode will likely be on the S5 DVD. Presumably along with all the deleted scenes of Blair mourning her child, Blair and Chuck confronting Tripp, and tons of Blair and Serena braiding each other’s hair and sharing secrets in their shared bathroom. Right, writers? Y/Y?

May we just say that Ed Westwick does great work? This episode featured some of Chuck’s best scenes yet. Sadly, we had to wait until near the end of the toon to see him; however, he definitely delivered and ALMOST made up for 30-40 minuten of prior suckery. His reaction to the news of Diana supposedly being his mother was perfection. He freaked out, yes, as anyone would, but he did so with dignity, grace and a coolness that only Chuck bas, bass could muster. All of this happened, of course, at Blair and Dan’s failure of a soirée (much like their relationship) so Chuck didn’t even have the luxury of losing his shit in private. There was also a fantastic scene, oh-so-brief, where Chuck accidentally comes face to face with the stars of ”Inside” and he dismisses them like a boss. Because he is one. Unfortunately, Blair and Dan were occupied in the most interesting GG storyline to date–getting ice–and missed Chuck’s semi-meltdown. Therefore they do not know that Diana birthed Chuck and most likely, breastfed Nate. Can it be mere coincidence that right as Chuck’s world is beginning to shatter, Blair is completely oblivious and only concerned about her boring, pretentious relationship with Fozzie Bear? Doubtful. Denial isn’t your color, B–it’s about time for u to “stand door your man.”

On a final note: Keep Calm and Ship Barena.