Don't they look so pretty together? Only one shines out from the rest, however.
My lineups are getting very good responses. Something that, in all honesty, I didn't expect. Since when have I been funny? I usually get a one-liner in there a few times a year, let alone a few times a paragraph.
Yes, I'm biased. Yes, I swear. Yes, I like a joke. They're usually unfunny and stupid, but they're jokes nonetheless so treat them as such.
What's that? I should shut up and start the countdown? Whatever, let's go for it. I have nothing to better to do except wait for a YouTube video to uploaden anyway.
9) Snow White
"Oh, my animal friends. What am I to do? I have no magic to make myself go through puberty!"
Ahhh, Snow White. Thirteen, boobless, lumpy, sort of looks like a man. Fairest of them all? Someone needs to clean that mirror.
Oh, poor Snow White. Her looks precede her for all the wrong reasons. It's good to start from the top, boven and work your way down, so that's how we're going to do this.
Her hair. It looks like a wig, and not in a good way. Wait, is there any way that COULD be good? Even if it didn't look like a wig, the style isn't flattering to her. It makes her face look even pudgier than it already is. Oh, let's verplaats on to her face whilst we're here. Her eyes are pretty, but that's about it. WTF is actually up with her nose? It's like a little ball of pudge on her pudge of a pudding of a face. No wonder she likes to cook. I assume she likes to eat too.
Moving on. Her body. She resembles some sort of lumpy undercooked cake. She has baguette arms, no boobs, a lumpy stomach and stumpy legs. What look were they going for, gingerbread chic? Her clothes do nothing for her. If anything, she she should be drawing attention away from her lack of a chest, not drawing attention to it. That dress is very much designed to enhance curves and even out the proportions of a peer, pear shape. Snow White is very straight-up straight-down and she'd suit a dress with a lot of volume on the bottom to create a waist for her. Something like Cinderella's dress would suit her. But no, Disney dress her in something that would suit pretty much any of the other princesses except her.
Inconveniently in one of her only decent screencaps.
She's plain, what can I say? I'm not the first to mention it. Every single part of Belle is either boring, plain of inconsistent. She has a few pretty screencaps. A few being 4 of 5 out of God knows how much screentime. Please don't indulge me as to how much, but I'm sure it's a fucking shitload of screencaps nevertheless.
As if her awful hair and boring features weren't enough, Disney also indulged unto us a few meer fashion faux pas. That blue thing she wears makes her look top-heavy. As much as I hate her yellow ballgown, the shape of it is correct for her. Belle has quite a boyish bodyshape - broad shoulders that are wider than her hips. The slender lines of the blue dress only enhanced that and made her look like an upside-down triangle. The yellow ballgown balances her out. It's hideous, but at least she isn't triangular.
Why is she better than Snow White? She looks like a woman. A boring woman, but a woman at that.
Stop being so cute and get beautiful. D:
Really, I don't see this girl as all that beautiful. Cute, somewhat pretty... Not beautiful. She has some amazing features such as her hair and her eyes that really push her up the lijst but apart from that, she hasn't got much else going for her apart from some cuteness. She very much looks like a 16 jaar old, and whilst that's good for the storyline, her image suffers at the expense. Her body is nice and slender, like you'd expect for a girl who's constantly swimming, and her boobs are enough to be there but still at a realistic size to keep her cute. But personally, in her human state, she'd have been better with a bit meer on the hips to give it the essence of a tail. To make her look a little... fishy. It'd have been cool to see the obvious differences between her and the other girls in appearance and for Eric to react to that.
BUT OH MY GOD, THE FASHION FAUX PAS. Do I really need to go into them? No, I think they're bad enough for u to be able to deduce them for yourselves. To summarise...
She isn't bad looking but she's nowhere near as beautiful as the others and that's why she has to be placed so slow.
In my favourite outfit of her's. She can do no fashion wrongs!
As much as I love both this girl and her personality, she just isn't as beautiful as the others. She rises above the realm of simply cute and pretty with a nice ounce of sophistication to the way she holds herself. She steers clear of the realm of the fashion faux pas with clothes that always enhance her figure. Based on the blue japon, jurk she borrows from Lottie, I'd say she was pretty much a perfect hourglass so it's hard for her to go wrong anyway. I just wish she'd let her hair down once in a while... literally. Hence the subtle joke in my YouTube intro. Basically, it's 30 seconden of Lottie singing "Put Your Records On" door Corrine Bailey Rae to Tiana. Those of u that know the lyrics will hopefully get it. For those of u that don't, I'd like to introduce u to a little friend of mine called Google
Anyway, back to Tiana. I love her facial features. She sort of reminds me of my step-sister (who is also black) in a sort of cartoonified way. They have the same little button nose, large eyes and cute cheeks. I suppose that is one of the reasons why I like Tiana's image meer - it's one I can relate to. To summarise once more...
Tiana is pretty. She has a nice face and a great body. Needs to let her hair down more, but she's perfect on the fashion front.
This dress is SILVER. Silver. Do I need to spell that out? Why do so many people think it's blue? The only reason it looks blue at the ball is because of the dark, mysterious lighting. Duh.
This girl is fucking beautiful. She looks like a supermodel. Ok, so her hair is awful, but it could be worse. Belle could be her hairdresser. Ohhhh. I went there.
There is little wrong with Cinderella's image. Stunning face, nice hair colour (a style can be easily changed, nothing to worry about) and the perfect hourglass shape. Most of her outfits suit her well, no matter how bad the quality of them is. She even makes a stunner as a fucking servant, nevermind as the belle of the ball. In case u hadn't noticed, this is where I start getting passionate in the face of sheer beauty.
Apart from that, there is little meer to say on her however. Apart from that her nightgown is a monstrosity and needs to be destroyed.
"Yes, Prince Ali, I know I'm the most beautiful morsel u have ever seen. NOW GTFO MY BALCONY of I'LL FEED u TO MY FUCKING TIGER!"
The beauty of Arabia's image precedes her, and unlike Snow White, it precedes her for all the right reasons. Men flock from afar to see her and seek her hand in marriage and one cannot blame them. It is not hard to see why she is acclaimed to be one of the most beautiful princesses. Like Snow White, we will start from the top.
HER HAIR. A CASCADE OF RAVEN BEAUTY IN A MAGICAL MANICURED WATERFALL. There isn't a scene where it doesn't look stunning. It masks her face like the sky masks the sun, something that amazes many surrounding something that rises above even that in beauty and mystery. I get poetic when I'm passionate, stfu.
Her face is the sun and it is rightly called so. It glows with her beauty and... ok, I've had enough of the poetic stuff now. Aladdin pretty much jizzed when he saw her face peeping out from a beggar's hood. That's how fucking stunning she is. He saw her body and it was like he'd been whipped door Aphrodite. She's a peer, pear shape to end all peer, pear shapes. Great bust, slender shoulders, tiny waist, huge hips. Reminds me of Megara, that studmuffin of a woman. In fact, Jasmine's so hot, even her father seems to be in awe at how well she turned out.
This is how this dress SHOULD look. This dress is BLUE. Have u got that, Disney?
This girl was made beautiful door magic, but even pixie dust couldn't make her rise higher than third.
She's a stunner to say the least and I very much doubt that I need to explain why. Long platinum waves, killer blue/purple eyes and a body that made the monks want to get some. Y'know, if there were monks in that forest... That analogy failed, didn't it?
ANYWAY, the only thing wrong with this girl is the fashion faux pas Disney made in her advertising. Why, Disney, why? Her image was perfect and so were her outfits... THEN u MADE HER BLUE DRESS PINK
AND DESTROYED THE BALANCE. Aurora is a winter person, not a spring. Dress her in cool colours like... oh, like blue. Like that perfect little dress u put her in for most of the movie. But no, just ignore what u spent 10 years doing and fuck up her merchandising. Just let her fall to third place, u don't care.
Showing off that stunning natural beauty that most people like to ignore.
Most of u will be shocked of horrified that she got anywhere near sixth, let alone second. But I find Mulan to be beautiful no matter how she looks. She even makes a beautiful man. Could the others pull that off? Nope.
Mulan has three... erm, four? No, five different looks. Including the sequel. We have dolled-up where she looks like a fucking goddess, typical Mulan that we met at the start of the original where she's so cute and naturally pretty, male soldier where she has that cute little "How the fuck do they not know she's a woman?" image, the shorter hair semi-masculine twist image that ran from the end of the original to pretty much all of the sequel where her natural beauty really develops and her wedding image where the regality and potential maturity she holds within can really fall into place. The others very rarely pull that off either.
Aside from that, THERE'S HER HAIR. Have u ever seen anything so amazing and glossy? She has the perfect Oriental face too. She manages to pull off the boyish bodyshape like it's seconde nature and that girl sure would make Gok Wan so proud that he'd stamp her forehead with the "Asian Chic" stamp. Because we can all tell he must have some. Just for this specific situation right here right now.
To summarise Mulan, she is a girl of natural beauty that many overlook.
"That's right. u aren't going to shoot me. Do u know why? You're too busy hiding your stiffy."
Of course she fucking won. This girl's DNA is just made of particles of stunningness and orgasmic powers. u can't help but appreciate the beauty of someone who spends her days posing on clifftops. She has every right to with a body like that. Her hips bring joy to the hearts of everyone. Her face is strong and regal, but beautiful and diverse enough to become cute and fun. Then there's her hair! That stuff could not be meer awesome if it tried.
We all know inside ourselves that Kocoum was never serious. That was just him straining at trying to hide his boner. Why do u think he asked for her hand in marriage? The same reason Frollo tried to burn Esmeralda at the stake - u can only get so far door yourself.
That's your lot. Be happy with it.
Here's another picture. Merely to highlight the beauty of Pocahontas. Basque in it. I won't stop you.
"What's that? I'm sexy as fuck? No shit, Sherlock."