Sebastian’s Fool-Proof Guide to Dealing with Teenagers 

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Sebastian’s Fool-Proof Guide to Dealing with Teenagers

Horatio Thelonius Ignatius Crustaceus Sebastian, also known as “Sebastian” wears many hats in the undersea kingdom. He’s the royal court composer, adviser to King Triton, and a crustacean full of wisdom and knowledge. Most importantly, he’s tasked with watching Ariel’s every move. After spending so much time with teens (music rehearsals with the mermaids account for much of his time, you know), and watching over Ariel, Sebastian knows a thing or two about keeping teenagers in line. With his fool-proof guide to navigating the wild world of teenage rebellion, you’ll know exactly how to relate to your mer-teen and “be the cool crab”:

When it comes to dealing with mer-teens, the first order of business is showing them who really holds the power in the subaquatic pecking order. Puff up your chest and cross your claws; no more mister nice crab.

It’s easy to fly off the handle when you find out the teen you’re responsible for has been flitting to the surface, and (gasp) fraternizing with

. Try to relax and definitely don’t let your facial expressions betray you.

Scrounge up your crabbiest scowl and prepare to give the scolding of a lifetime. Make sure you reprimand her gently, but be firm. Don’t say too much, but also don’t say too little. Basically just repeat everything her father says (it helps if he is a Sea King).

4. Get the old band back together to show the teens you’re still cool.

If a show of force and power doesn’t prove effective, you may have to resort to Plan B: proving you’re still extremely cool and relatable! Give Newt a ring on the shellphone and see if he still plays the flute these days, and see if the carp is still playing the harp. Show your unruly mer-teen how hip you are. She’ll be sure to forget the lure of the shore, human legs, and hunky, blue-eyed princes in no time.

Geez, mon, teenagers are impossible to get through to sometimes. Their friends are a good source of ideas on how to help get their heads out of the clouds and back in the water where they belongs.

Humans are bad! They’re trouble! You might know this, but your naive mer-teen does not. Try looking at the situation through their eyes—it might make you see things differently.

7. Do a little sleuthing to find out what exactly it is she’s been getting into.

Try to be part of your teen’s world. Hang in their favorite places, try out their hobbies. Just try not to get caught … or tangled up in the process.

At some point, you may find out you’re a softshell, especially if the mer-teen under your supervision develops a little crush. You, my friend, were born for a time such as this. Offer your best flirting advice and other subliminal manipulation tactics (this is another time when assembling the band may come in handy). This isn’t amateur hour, not under your watch.

Teenagers. They think they know everything. You give them an inch, they swim all over you. Sure, at times the situation may seem hopeless, but stay positive! Things will work out in the end.

11. Cherish the time you have; one day she won’t be a teenager anymore.

Like you always say, “Children have got to be free to lead their own lives.” Even though your shell may have turned a bit gray in the process, watching over your mer-teen has been an adventure.

What’s your favorite pearl of wisdom from Sebastian? Tell us in the comments!

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