Harry Potter Vs. Twilight Article: Your Ideal Man... the funny version

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posted by theblondegirl

Forget about vampires. Forget about werewolves.

How funny and bizarre would these scenarios be if your boyfriend would act like this?

Enjoy!

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You: "I'm going to go hang out with [insert best friend's name here], see u tonight!"
Ideal Man: "No you're not."
You:"....? Of course I will."
Ideal Man: "You might get into an argument with [insert friend's name here] and s/he might stab u with a knife. At least let me come hang out outside of his/her house and oogle through the window to make sure you're safe."
You:"Why the hell would they stab me??"
Ideal Man: "I don't trust him/her."
You: Oh for f.... well, all right, if u insist!"

----

Ideal Man: "I have a gift for you."
You: "But u know I don't like u spending any money on me, it makes me uncomfortable because we've only been dating for, like, half a year."
Ideal Man: "Oh, it's nothing. Just some crap I've had lying around for ages."
You: "Well, okay then."
Ideal Man: *insterts blood diamond*
You:"...."

----

*Sitting in Ideal Man's car, listening to a cd he's put on*
You:"Oh, I love Clair de Lune! I used to listen to it together with my mum when I was little!"
Ideal Man: "Really? What else do u listen to?"
You: "Linkin Park!"
Ideal Man: "Oh, u mean this cd that I have with me in my handschoen compartment? But how can anyone like both classical muziek and emo rock?"
You:"What, u mean.. the way u do?"

-----

Ideal Man: "I wanted to do something special for you, my love."
You: "Oh, great! What did u do?"
Ideal Man: "I made a song for you!"
*whips out piano*
You: "Oh, honey, that's really romantic!"
Ideal Man: "I was hoping you'd think that. That's why I was waiting for the perfect moment to play this song for you!"
Ideal Man's Parents: "Err...I'm not sure this is the moment..."

----

You: "Honey, I've been thinking. There's something I want."
Ideal Man: "A house? A car? A diamond necklace? Name what u want, and u shall have it!"
You: "I want sex."
Ideal Man: "...Oh."
You: "Well?"
Ideal Man: "...I was thinking a chastity riem made out of Topaz might be nice...?"

----

You: "Crap, my period started. I feel awful."
Ideal Man: "That...turns me on..."

----

*The morning after*
You:"Morning honey. I am so happy today. I was so afraid that my first sex experience might be awkward and u wouldn't like me and would find me unattractive and repulsive. But last night was the best night of my life and everything went so well!"
Ideal Man: "LET'S. NEVER. DO. THAT. AGAIN."

---

*on a first date*
You: "Thanks for the lovely evening. It was really nice to get to know u a little better. I think u might be my Ideal Man."
Ideal Man: "Oh, my dearest, I am happy to hear that. I was afraid you'd find me frightening and be repulsed door me."
You: "Why? u drive a Volvo, wear beige turtlenecks and only get A's at school. What's scary about that?"
Ideal Man: "Indeed, nothing. Perhaps I haven't gegeven myself enough credit. Perhaps I can be good."
You: "No, but seriously - why did u think you'd scare me?"
Ideal Man: "What? Oh, because during my teenage rebellion years I ran away from home pagina and slaughtered a couple of hundred people."
You: "...that... is quite...frightening."
Ideal Man:"Don't worry, it's all in the past now. I am better now."
You: "Umh ok. Well, I'm just gonna go now... see u tomorrow..."
*quickly leaves*
Ideal Man: *yells after you*: "See u tonight when I come in your room and watch u sleep, my pet!"

---
You: "I love you."
Ideal Man: "You are my world now. I love u like the sun and the moon and the stars that caress me with their gentle, glowing caresses. There is nothing I wouldn't give you, my beautiful blinding meteorite. I worship your translucent skin and your deep doe eyes of eternal mystery and wisdom."
You: "I think a simple "love u 2" would've been enough."

ilovereading, luv_warriorcatz and 4 others like this

20 more comments

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youknowit101 I find it a but weird how you like talking about me and taking note of what time I leave comments. I find it a bit weird that you haven't gone through my profile yet and noticed the large time gaps between my comments.

theblondegirl Umh, I cant really stop noticing since you quite often comment on my posts (you know. Like you're doing right now.) And you might find it a bit weird that I haven't been through your profile, but to be frank I am not that interested in you. And why the hell would I go through anyone's profile and stalk how often they leave posts?:D Edward's way, I follow not. I am a bit creeped out now, though. You made it sound like it's the most normal thing in the world to go through people's profiles and find out how often they leave comments.

youknowit101 you like to notice the timing between my comments. i figured you're some kind of unskilled stalker

luv_warriorcatz she (or he) was just tryin to get a laugh debate about it on the wall

theblondegirl I "like to notice" the timing? Oh please. I don't like noticing you. You're more than welcome to stop posting on my threads anytime you like :D And I am not entirely sure if you Twihards think that "unskilled stalker" is some sort of an insult, but myself I think that sounds pretty good! Thanks, mate!

youknowit101 unskilled just means you're no good at it. if you want to stalk, at least do it right

theblondegirl Wow, more insults. My heart is bleeding right now. But you know what? a) I don't stalk people so I'm not surprised if I'm not good at it b) I don't want to stalk people so I have no desire to learn how to do it c) I wouldn't take your stalking advice even if I wanted to learn how to stalk people d) I am wasting time and energy debating with you because you are just clutching at straws and I find that uncreative

theblondegirl @luv_warriorcatz I am not sure who you're talking to but I agree :D

youknowit101 quit caring how often i comment

cassie-1-2-3 He's only insulting you becuase you were being unprovocatively rude.

teamsalvatore98 lol i loved it!!!

youknowit101 Bingo, Cass

theblondegirl I was being "un"provocatively rude, yet he was provoked? That sounds more like Yki (and I intend to use this from now on because his name is so long) just decided to insult me even though he didn't really feel like he needed to. Funny, that's exactly the impression I got from the beginning. Also remember my darlings, that I made a humoristic post and Yki started to pick a fight about it. He was the only one who couldn't just enjoy it - even after I told him to chill. At that point "un"provocative rudeness is called for.

youknowit101 What's with the "un"provocatively? unprovocative is a word, brilliant. You weren't rude to me but you were an ass to Cassie when you said she'd make a psychopath happy. All i replied with was a question to see if it was a joke for fun or a joke to make fun of the books. Lmao at you taking it so personally. Your username is longer than mine, genius.

theblondegirl pro·voc·a·tive (pr-vk-tv) adj. Tending to provoke or stimulate. unprovocative = the exact opposite. and did i ever say that my username is shorter than yours? o.O I just said I'm going to start calling you Yki because it's more convenient. I also think that it wasn't me taking things personally since it was YOU insulting me, meaning that I somehow offended you first (very unprovocatively though as it seems!) although I guess I was a border-line ass to Cassie. I do think there's something wrong with you if you'd accept a mass-murderer as a boyfriend though, but if that's not what you meant then I was out of place and apologise.

youknowit101 thanks for the definition i didn't need. cassie was saying you said that to her without being provoked i.e. unprovocatively

Ms_Mea @heblondegirl You were kind of mean to Cassie @youknowit leave it alone already! This girl was just making fun of Edward in a clever way. There, you happy? You're question is answered. Though I don't know how you didn't know that already...

theblondegirl @Ms_Mea he knows, this isn't the first time I've been talking to him, or Cassie for that matter. @cassie-1-2-3 My reason for lashing out at you, Cassie, was that you had just commented on another post of mine and I felt you were going for some sort of a personal attack. You know, saying that "these things are perfectly reasonable" just because you wanted to argue with me. But yeah, sorry if that somehow offended you. Yki, with you I do have a problem though. You are quite clearly just picking a fight with me and it's getting really tiresome. Please stop.

theblondegirl ps.cassie, I misunderstood the original"unprovocative"-post, thinking that you were talking about Yki and not yourself... hence my confusion.

i-am-mariella I love this, it's very creative. Well done.

theblondegirl ^^ thanks:)

cassie-1-2-3 Oh, well, I alwayd avoid looking at who has posted what before commenting (unless it's youknowit, because I feel I have to keep tabs on him) for this exact purpose of avoiding any case of personal biases. All comments I make has to do with my personal feelings about the content, rather than the user who posted them. I did not realize you were the same person at the time of my comments.

theblondegirl ^^ all right. Let's just call it quits then, and no hard feelings. All right?

Darkshine This owns

theblondegirl @Darkshine thanks a lot ^^