haha... not bad i guess alejandro is syler?

Lol wait and see

thats very good.. wow.. they should hire you as one of the writers..thogh the peter\clair thing should be diffrant.. she thinks he died and he just calles her like that?? needs more drama :P
keep up the good work..

lol-- they sud defo hire u! i think its gud-- the dramas in the phone call coz peter didnt tell claire he was alive! lke rahma sed keep up the gud wurk

Write more!!! I agree with all written above and am impressed...i think i should have a go...u make it look so easy and i love writing lol!

am i the only 1 who can see the terrible writin here?!

no offence but it is nowhere near heroes quality, and alot of the situations rnt plausible!!

an the wake of nathans death is so inaccurate!!

and the characters reactions!!

i think u shouldnt give up ur day job!!

Yeah they should def hire u! ...to make tea! That was the worst piece of tripe I've ever read!

The problems i had with it are innumerable, but I'll give it a go!:

The writing, first of all, sounds like you are foreign. Phrases you use like 'on her eyes' are obviously meant to be 'in her eyes', and then 'after your father made that experiment on you', you dont MAKE an experiment on someone you DO or PERFORM an experiment, you may want to proof read your work before submitting it to nbc execs!

What is more the dialogue is so unbelievably unrealistic! For starters Peter calling up Matt like they are bosom buds? aye right! They've met maybe three times and i doubt he would have his phone number! Then you have peter call up Claire, ok more viable given that they have spent more than twenty minutes with each other and are niece and uncle, but i doubt that he would reveal such a serious line about her biological father being dead and follow it with be quiet, it's all gonna be ok coz im gonna find out who did it, coz that means she won't want to grieve her dad?, and what is more i seriously doubt she would be so upset in the first place, you mustn't forget that he abandoned claire and wanted nothing to do with her.

NOAH-“Well, you may seem like a bad person outside, but I know that inside you’re a sweet girl who just wants to be loved. I figured you out a long time ago, remember your first assignment?'- I don't think that you would talk so casually/divulge your inner emotions to someone who tried to kill you and your family, surely there would be trust issues, yet Noah seems all too quick to trust Elle!

Angela Petrelli crying? seriously? I think this woman is totally devoid of any human emotion, I mean she condoned the killing of both her sons if it came to it. Then her line about having been a part of the company? I was under the impression that she still had something to do with them!

PETER-“Oh, but I’ll find out the truth, I’m not gonna rest until I know who killed Nathan AND my father!' - as far as peter and we know, Peter's father was killed during the war.

PETER-“I need to talk to Matt, maybe he’s got some updates on the killed identity already. I can’t stand around doing nothing. Driver, stop the car please! I’ll walk my way from here.”- if peter is as angry as you say he is, I don't think he would care too much about manners and about saying please and thank you to the taxi driver!

'CLAIRE-“Yeah, my dad probably won’t come so there’s one vacant seat.”
WEST-“Great, thanks!”'
Yeah, her dad won't be coming home because of the deal he made with the company so 'probably' should be 'very very likely'.
Furthermore Sandra Bennett talks way too much in the scene she is in, she doesn't talk in heroes, she just snogs the face of that dog of hers!

lol i do quite like the line 'drop some tears', while it's not really appropriate in this case i think it could come into every day use, maybe gangsta slang?

Yeah it did lack action! I'm not even aware of a single hero using his/her superpower! it was all about the (rubbish) dialogue!

I really don't know what is worse: your writing or these imbeciles who obviously have never read a glossy mag never mind a book in their life who are giving you false hope through their praise. Please don't write more, because I would feel compelled to type a response correcting everything in it and i just don't have the time!

I'm portuguese sorry... Lol

It's not perfect, but it's fun and interesting. You should write so.e more.

Note. Arthur did not die on the war, lol he died on episode 1 of volume 1... This is one week after the end of volume 2, peter and matt have been pals since the death of nathan...
Well, moving on... for starters, this is a novel, not a script for the show, and besides i'm not necessarily writing for you, if you don't like don't read, I just had ideas and felt like writing... Lol and I DO NOT want to send this to nbc, who said anything about that? I will continue, and hopefully improve

Elle used her power btw and maybe angela.

Of course he should keep writing.. his story gives all the heroes fans something to read while waiting for volume 3.. n its not bad considering hes doing it for fun for us... hu ever said anythin about sending it no NBC! Seriously dun read it if u dun wan to.. spare us ur damn criticisms..

Leuron, continue writing, us "imbeciles" will carry on reading and theTache shall have better things to do...sure it isn't going to be accurate and it wasn't all realistic, but it was pretty cool nonetheless, if you want to write something "theTache," write it, I'll read it and I shan't be as critical as you were because its unnecessary lol, Claire and Peter's conversation about Nathan's death was obviously flawed but doesn't matter, the series Heroes is full of rather dull and pointless scenes and some that have inconsistencies, at least with Leuron's it was straight into intrigue :P Oh and Sandra does have speech sometimes, she is brilliant :) But yea Angela shouldn't cry...I don't get why people hate her though, she is really really interesting :P :D

Oh and btw, I love Heroes, when i said it was full of dull and pointless scenes, I didn't mean all the scenes were this way.

ppl dun hate angela.. they r prob juz irratated that we do not noe anything bout her even though she seemed to play a big part in the company and considering shes the mother of 2 main heroes..

I'm just one guy here... Heroes has many writers... :/

I hate the whole 'if you don't like it don't say anything negative', i thought we lived in an era that proted freedom of speech, and if i find fault with something i'm going to state how i feel.

What is more if this is a novel why then is it reported what each character says with their name before it, surely this is a convention of a script and not a novel. A novel has direct speech in inverted commas followed by ,he said/she said.

Also, i wasn't the one who started the whole 'send it to nbc'. I was merely reacting to what was said in posts before mine.

Yeah you should keep writing but be prepared for my continual slating of it, that is if it is anything like what was written above.

about the names before what each character says, it is easier for me that way, it's more organized...

Here it is, Chapter 2, I hope you like it... And one more thing, each time I introduce a new character, I'll post a link to a picture of him, just for you to have an idea on how he is. (I choose an existing actor/actress)

Chapter 2 “Here Goes Nothing”

Bennet house_Costa Verde California

Claire’s bedroom. She and West are sitting on her bed.
WEST-“Take it easy Claire, I know it’s tough…”
CLAIRE-“I don’t even know why I am so sad, he barely cared about me…”
WEST-“He was your biological father after all, I think that’s enough”
CLAIRE-“Yeah, and he certainly didn’t deserve this…”
WEST-“Let’s just focus on exposing the company…”
CLAIRE-“Yeah, now I have more reasons to do it, I’m sure they had something to do with Nathan’s death.”
WEST-“Why would they want him dead?”
CLAIRE-“Probably ‘cause he knew too much…”
WEST-“We’ll figure it out, they will pay!”
Claire hugs West.


Angela & Heidi_New York

Leaving the taxi…
ANGELA-“Goodbye Heidi, goodbye Simon, Monty…”
The kids wave goodbye as they leave on the cab.
Angela approaches home, opens the door and then closes it gently behind her. She grabs a picture of herself and her husband that was on a table in the living room.
ANGELA-“Arthur….”
She trembles as she touches him on the picture.
ANGELA-“I never should have trusted Adam… he caused all this… You’re death…, and Nathan’s, were imperative to avoid total chaos, but still… Was it worth it?”
Angela puts the photograph down.
ANGELA-“And now Peter is playing with fire, I just hope he doesn’t get burned…”

Monica & Micah_New Orleans Hospital

Micah and Monica are sitting on the wait-room.
MICAH-“He has an amazing power, we were so lucky he was around”
MONICA-“Yeah, we didn’t even had the chance to thank him properly, we don’t even know his name…”
MICAH-“Mom is alive, that’s all that matters.”
Monica puts her arm around Micah’s shoulders and smiles.
A doctor approaches them and they start to talk.
Meanwhile, at the other side of the room, a man looks at them, hiding behind a newspaper.
link
JASON-“Damn! They almost saw me.”
He covers his face with the newspaper again.
JASON-“This is so not cool, man I hate my job. Damn!”
His cellphone starts to ring.
JASON-“Great, just great…”
He gets up quickly and leaves the room.
JASON-“Yeah, boss?”
“Yes, but you almost blew my cover here, it was so, so close.”
“I think she leaves today.”
“Yeah, later…”
JASON-“What a pain in the…”
MONICA-“You’re here?!”
Jason turns around and see’s Monica, Micah and Niki.
JASON-“Hi, what a coincidence!”



3 days ago_New Orleans

JASON-“Damn! She can’t die, let’s see… I’ll just wait for the guy to leave and then I’ll make my move.”
Monica’s kidnapper leaves the burning building, enters a van and leaves.
JASON-“This is it!”
Another car stops in front of the kidnapper’s van, forcing him to stop.
JASON-“What the…? Damn! Gotta hide…”
Niki enters the building.
JASON-“She’s hot…”
A minute later…
JASON-“It’s taking them a while… What to do, what to do…?”
Monica leaves the building alone.
JASON-“Oh crap! The hot girl is still there…”
The building explodes.
JASON-“What the hell… Here goes nothing!”
Before entering the building, Jason spawned a sphere-shaped shell around him. It looked almost like glass but much clearer, with almost no reflections.
Protected from the fire by the shell, he searched for Niki.
JASON-”Hey, where are you?!”
He hears some coughing and then a voice.
NIKI-“Here…”
She was inside some room, a storage room for food, the fire hadn’t spread there, so she was safe. He opened the door and grabbed her, the shell covered her too and he ran away and left the burning Diner.
Jason’s shell disappears and he puts a passed out Niki down.
Monica and Micah approach.
MICAH-“Is she okay?!”
JASON-“She passed out from the smoke, and she’s got some nasty burns, but she’ll live, she was inside a room, the door shielded her from the explosion.”
MONICA-“Thank you very much dude, you were awesome!”
JASON-“No problem... Dude.”
A Fire-Truck and an Ambulance arrive.
JASON-“Well, it was nice to meet you!”
He walks away, enters his car out of Monica and Micah’s sight, and leaves.

Hiro & Ando_Yamagato Industries Japan

Hiro is sitting on his cubicle working at the computer. Ando approaches him.
ANDO(In Japanese)-“Hiro…”
HIRO(In Japanese)-“Yes?”
ANDO(In Japanese)-“I’ve been doing some research on Adam Monroe like you asked, I think I found something important.”
HIRO(In Japanese)-“What is it?”
ANDO(In Japanese)-“It’s a very, very old document, it is about him, he was 15 here, look…”
Ando hands over a couple of documents to Hiro.
HIRO(In Japanese)-“Where did you get this?” Says Hiro after reading some lines.
ANDO(In Japanese)-“In the library, I scanned this pages on the computer, they were part of a book, it was… some compilation about different types of Virus.”
HIRO(In Japanese)-“Types of virus… who published it?”
ANDO(In Japanese)-“Wait, I wrote it here… got it, the name is Travis Miller.”
Hiro types his name on the computer and does some research.
HIRO(In Japanese)-“He is still alive, I wonder how he knows this, we need to talk to him.”
Hiro writes down Travis’ address.
HIRO(In Japanese)-“Let’s meet Mr.Miller…”
ANDO(In Japanese)-“I go too??”
Hiro smiles in confirmation. He then touches Ando’s shoulder and they both vanish.

Mohinder’s Appartment_Brooklyn

Mohinder is in the kitchen cooking the dinner, while Maya, Matt and Alejandro are on the living room.
MATT-“That’s a nasty wound, looks like he was stabbed..”
Maya is patching the wound.
MAYA(In Spanish)-“You’re so lucky to be alive, Gabriel will pay for this! I was so stupid..”
ALEJANDRO(In Spanish)-“I… tried to warn you, I was right… all along.”
MAYA(In Spanish)-“Don’t talk, save your strength..”
MATT-“We got to take him to an hospital!”
MAYA-“He cannot, we’re illegal emigrants, and wanted for murder in our country, they would find out, he’ll stay the night, if he doesn’t get better we’ll go..”
MATT-“Suit yourself…”
Matt’s phone rings.
MATT-“Peter?! What happened?”
PETER-“I’m stuck on traffic, I guess I’ll find an hotel to stay the night, we’ll talk tomorrow okay??”
MATT-“Alright, see you tomorrow!”
PETER-“Bye…”
Matt walks into Molly’s bedroom.
MATT-“So, are you done??”
NOAH-“Japan…”
MATT-“Huh?...”
ELLE-“Adam dragged his sorry butt to Japan, don’t ask me how!”
Matt looks at the push point location on Japan’s map.~
MATT-“A cemetery?! What the hell is he doing on a cemetery??”
ELLE-“Envying the dead maybe??”
NOAH-“Well, we just have to go and find out, he’ll probably not be there anymore, but we’ll find him…”
ELLE-“Next stop, Tokyo, Japan…”

Claire & West_Costa Verde California

Claire is walking West to the door.
CLAIRE-“Thanks for everything, you’re the sweetest!”
WEST-“Just doing my job as a boyfriend.”
Claire smiles and kisses West.
CLAIRE-“I love you so much!”
WEST-“I love you too…”
They kiss again and West leaves.
WEST-“See you tomorrow!”
CLAIRE-“Bye!!”
SANDRA-“He’s such a nice boy! Mr.Muggles likes him very much doesn’t he? Oh yes he does..”
Sandra holds Muggles and pats him.
The house phone rings.
SANDRA-“Can you get that Claire? Oh, and when you finish, call Lyle, dinner is almost ready.”
Claire picks up the phone.
CLAIRE-“Yes?”
NOAH-“Claire, it’s me.”
CLAIRE-“Dad? How are you doing? Will you come home soon?”
NOAH-“I am fine… and… no, unfortunately I will not come home for a few days, even weeks, I don’t know…”
CLAIRE-“Why?... I miss you dad…”
NOAH-“I must travel to Japan on an assignment, and I don’t know how much time it will take… “
CLAIRE-“Just be careful dad… I don’t wanna lose you again…”
NOAH-“You won’t… I promise… just promise me you will not worry okay? And don’t tell this to your mother, you know how she is…”
CLAIRE-“Okay dad, I’ll make something up…”
NOAH-“I have to hang now, I love you Claire-bear…”
CLAIRE-“Love you too dad…”

Some Dark Alley 02:30 am

Sylar is on his knees with blood on his hands. A dead body lies on the floor. Sylar gets up, looks at his hands and then looks to his left with evil on his eyes.
Sylar-“The hunt begins!”

TO BE CONTINUED…

The HQ of the company is in heartsdale ,NY.

pile of shit the character don't seem anything like they are and the way you write there reactions are sooooooo boring theres no real plot with yours worse than the first 1

how many accounts do you have anyway?

mr-mojo-risin is there any need, seriously, at least leuron can be arsed to try to entertain us when heroes isnt on, everyone knows that its not actually heroes season 4, get a life and if you are gonna go on fanpop then dont bother writing comments like that, or piss off and take your comments to a different site.

if you like it enough to keep reading join the spot link

'about the names before what each character says, it is easier for me that way, it's more organized...'

yes perhaps but it's not how you write a novel!!!

oh yeah! chapter two! too bad i can't convey sarcasm on screen! So much is wrong with this but really i could not be arsed going into the particulars just note:

IN not ON!

and it's great that you took most of the criticisms on board but for the love of god stop trying to move the plot along through conversation, stop having characters talk out loud in an empty room and dear baby jesusing christ stop expressing private thoughts in conversation for example the whole conversation between Claire and West at the start.

Im sure there are many other problems but i stopped reading after Angela Petrelli's scene!

The story is really interesting so far, keep the good work! :)