Puck likes lesbians. A lot. So when he sees to hot ones making out, it becomes apparent what he needs to do. He watches them from across the bar, playing with each other’s hair, caressing. Fuck! He has the hardest hard-on he’s ever had in his life.
When the blonde gets up to get a drink, he saunters over to the redhead. He knows he needs to pull out all the stops for this one. He flexes his guns and uses his best pick-up line, “What has 142 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk?”
She looks up at him. “What?” she shouts over the incredibly loud music.
He smirks, “My zipper.”
The blonde walks up behind him, “Seriously? That’s probably the worst pickup line ever.” The redhead laughs. Puck frowns. He loves that pickup line. It’s how he got Santana to sleep with him the first time.
“What do u want?” the redhead asks.
Puck has a lot of antwoorden to that question, but he decides to be blunt, “You two. In my bed. With me. Having sex.” The redhead looks offended, but the blonde just looks amused. He tries again, “You know? Like a threesome.”
The blonde smiles, and Puck thinks this might actually work. She signal for him to come closer. He’s so fucking turned on. She whispers in his ear slowly, “Never going to happen.”
His face falls. Cockblocked! He turns away wounded. But he still is Puckzilla. He needs to bang a chick tonight of he’ll go crazy (even if it’s only one). He surveys the girls who are hanging out with the lesbians.
There’s a hot brunette, but she looks depressed and fucked up and shit. volgende to her is a babe who looks a whole lot like the redhead, but she seems like a bitch. And he took this trip to get away from Quinn.
That’s when he sees her. A blonde off in her own world. She seems insecure enough to seduce, so Puck struts over and sits volgende to her. He racks his mind for pickup lines, but he’s still to hurt from his last rejection to bother. “Hey babe,” he says in his sexiest voice, “I wanna sex u up.”
She looks confused for a good minute. A look of realization comes over her face. “Oh,” she shouts without realizing it, “You want to surf and turf! Bonkers!” Puck wonders what the fuck this girl is talking about, but then he glances at her boobs and forgets his confusion.
Puck likes boobs.
“So is that a yes?” he says in his sexy voice. He really hopes it is because he doesn’t think he can handle another rejection tonight. She ponders for a seconde and then takes his hand and leads him out of the club.
While, Puck doesn’t like to fuck and tell, he will say this. Crazy chicks are the best in bed.
---
Puck doesn’t really know how it happens, but he ends up dating this Pandora chick. And while Puck’s morally opposed to relationship and monogamy, it doesn’t suck that much.
She’s a freak in bed, is super hot, plays Super Mario Bros with him (and understands its influence on society), and sometimes he finds himself actually wanting to listen to what she saying. They’re in a debate about who’s better, Luigi of Toad (Luigi obviously. “Toad’s adorable” does not count as a legitimate argument), when she asks him to meet her mother.
He spits out his beer (the mini-bar in his hotel room can’t card), and starts coughing. “Bonker!” she says, “Are u okay?”
He coughs some more, “Fine. What’d u say?”
“That’s good your okay! I would have gone ra-ra if u weren’t Pucky-boo.”
He asks again, meer loudly this time, “What did u ask, Panda-bear?” (He thought the pet names were lame at first, but now he’s kind of in the habit of using them.)
“I only asked if u would meet my mum on Sunday? It’ll be loads of fun! We can bake koekjes, cookies and play Monopoly.” He fully intends on saying no. He does not fucking want to play Monopoly of bake. He plans on saying no, but she seems so excited. And she does that thing where she get so enthusiastic her whole face lights up.
So that is why Puck (wearing a sweater vest he borrowed from Artie) shows up at Pandora’s house on Sunday with flowers for her mom.
---
Panda’s mom is 100%-mental institute batshit crazy. She never stays still and keeps asking him about his favoriete charities and shit. She also doesn’t laugh when he antwoorden devirginitizing teenage girls.
They make small talk for fifteen minuten (longest fucking minuten of his life), until Pandora suggests they start making the cookies. He needs an escape so he says yes immediately (even if baking koekjes, cookies is the gayest thing ever).
There in the middle of mixing up the batter, when Ms. Moon demands to see Pandora in the hall. They walk out of the room, and Puck starts internally panicking. What if she makes his Panda-bear break up with him? (Not that he would care of anything. Badasses don’t care about that kind of stuff.)
He needs to get her mom to chill. That’s when he remembers he still has a bit of leftover weed in his pocket. He knows how to spike baked goods. He didn’t get Artie the short bus door watching the Ace of Cakes (which he does do sometimes. Only when his sister has the remote).
He goes over the pros and cons in his head. On one hand he actually kind of (really) like Pandora and doesn’t want to screw this up. But her mom needs to chill the fuck out. Puck’s never had much of a conscience so he dumps the entire package in.
---
The koekjes, cookies are done door the time Pandora and her mom come downstairs. They both look angry. Pandora’s mom grabs a cookie right when she walks in. Panda’s to busy glaring at her mother to notice they’re done.
They stand there awkwardly, until Ms. Moon finally says, “These are the best koekjes, cookies I’ve ever had Noah.”
He grins, “Thanks. I have some baking experience. At home, I bake cupcakes for orphans and abused pets.” Panda quickly put her hand over her mouth to muffle her laughter.
Ms. Moon turns to her daughter, “And what is so funny about that young lady? I think it’s honorable that Noah is so active in his community.” She already slightly high when she turns to Puck, “Would u like to dance, Noah?”
Puck digs cougars and everything, but this is Pandora’s mom. Plus that might be the worst pickup line ever. But he doesn’t want to mess with the progress he’s made in the last two minuten so he shrugs, “Sure.”
She turns on the stereo, and he’s expecting classical muziek so he’s shocked when Lady Gaga comes on (who only knows who she is because they did her in glee. He’s no homo). Ms. Moon starts swaying to the music, and she gets really close to him. Pandora is watching in awe from the other side of the kitchen.
He’s just standing there awkwardly when she starts grinding against him. He doesn’t even think she knows she doing it. Panda gasps quietly.
“Ms. Moon,” he says in his responsible voice (yeah… he’s shocked he has one of those too), “I think that u might want to go up to bed.” She mumbles something into his crotch, so he picks her up and carries her to her bedroom.
He sets her on her bed and walks out of her room. When he’s closing the door, Panda comes up behind him. “Oh my Lanta! I’m so sorry for my mum’s behavior. She’s never like that except once when…” Her voice trails off, and a look of realization crosses over her eyes.
Tears started falling down her face, and he would do anything to make them stop. He’s never felt meer awful in his life (and that includes going behinds Finn’s back with Quinn). She starts hitting his chest repeatedly. She chokes out word like “You… spiked… pot… horrible… cookies… high…”
He tightly wraps his arms around her until she stops hitting him and collapses into his chest sobbing. She looks up at him with her beautiful eyes. He leans down to kiss her, but she makes a break for the bathroom, locking the door behind her.
He tries to get her to come out for fifteen minuten before giving up and sitting against the door. He needs to come up with some big romantic gesture. He legit has zero experience in that shit, except that time he serenaded Rachel (what’s with him and crazy chicks?)
That’s it! He’ll sing. He’s far meer talented than Finn fucking Hudson; it’ll be romantic. He brings out his ipod to look for a romantic song. Five minuten into his search, he realizes he doesn’t have very many romantic songs on his ipod (HE’S A MOTHERFUCKING BADASS). He accidently shuffles, and door some sort of fate the prefect song comes on.
Crazy Bitch! She’s his crazy bitch. The lyrics fit them perfectly. Panda has a lovely face. And Puck likes to get fucking laid. And in his dreams he is doing her all night with scratches down his back! He runs downstairs to grab his gitaar (Panda zei the might sing church songs).
He starts singing to her softly, strumming on his guitar.
All right!
Break me down, u got a lovely face
We're going to your place
And now u got to freak me out
Scream so loud, getting fuckin' laid
u want me to stay, but I got to make my way
Hey
You're crazy bitch
But u fuck so good, I'm on top, boven of it
When I dream, I'm doing u all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on
He is such a badass.
Take it off, the paper is your game
u jump in bed with fame
Another one night paid in full, uh
You're so fine, it won't be a loss
Cashing in the rocks, just to get u face to face
She opens up the bathroom door. There are mascara streaks all over her face, but she’s smiling.
Baby girl
u want it all
To be a star
You'll have to go down
Take it off
No need to talk
You're crazy
But I like the way u fuck me
She actually laughs; he doesn’t see what’s funny, but it makes him happy to see her smile.
Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But u fuck so good, I'm on top, boven of it
When I dream, I'm doing u all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on
u keep me right on
You're crazy
But I like the way u fuck me
He finishes the song with one last strum of his gitaar and smiles at her and says, “I fucking love u babe.” Those word were supposed to sound weird and unnatural coming from him, but the don’t (because he does).
She walks over to him and kisses him like he’s never been kissed before. “I love u too Pucky-Boo,” she says softly. He thinks that there is no way this moment could ever be better. No matter what Quinn and Artie of Mike and Rachel told him, he never believed that love could be so perfect. He never thought he’d meet a girl as perfect for him as his Panda-bear.
She smiles at him and says, “You realize that, that is the least romantic song ever, right?” He rolls his eyes and kisses her again. (But seriously, these British girl obviously don’t know what romance is.)
FIN.
When the blonde gets up to get a drink, he saunters over to the redhead. He knows he needs to pull out all the stops for this one. He flexes his guns and uses his best pick-up line, “What has 142 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk?”
She looks up at him. “What?” she shouts over the incredibly loud music.
He smirks, “My zipper.”
The blonde walks up behind him, “Seriously? That’s probably the worst pickup line ever.” The redhead laughs. Puck frowns. He loves that pickup line. It’s how he got Santana to sleep with him the first time.
“What do u want?” the redhead asks.
Puck has a lot of antwoorden to that question, but he decides to be blunt, “You two. In my bed. With me. Having sex.” The redhead looks offended, but the blonde just looks amused. He tries again, “You know? Like a threesome.”
The blonde smiles, and Puck thinks this might actually work. She signal for him to come closer. He’s so fucking turned on. She whispers in his ear slowly, “Never going to happen.”
His face falls. Cockblocked! He turns away wounded. But he still is Puckzilla. He needs to bang a chick tonight of he’ll go crazy (even if it’s only one). He surveys the girls who are hanging out with the lesbians.
There’s a hot brunette, but she looks depressed and fucked up and shit. volgende to her is a babe who looks a whole lot like the redhead, but she seems like a bitch. And he took this trip to get away from Quinn.
That’s when he sees her. A blonde off in her own world. She seems insecure enough to seduce, so Puck struts over and sits volgende to her. He racks his mind for pickup lines, but he’s still to hurt from his last rejection to bother. “Hey babe,” he says in his sexiest voice, “I wanna sex u up.”
She looks confused for a good minute. A look of realization comes over her face. “Oh,” she shouts without realizing it, “You want to surf and turf! Bonkers!” Puck wonders what the fuck this girl is talking about, but then he glances at her boobs and forgets his confusion.
Puck likes boobs.
“So is that a yes?” he says in his sexy voice. He really hopes it is because he doesn’t think he can handle another rejection tonight. She ponders for a seconde and then takes his hand and leads him out of the club.
While, Puck doesn’t like to fuck and tell, he will say this. Crazy chicks are the best in bed.
---
Puck doesn’t really know how it happens, but he ends up dating this Pandora chick. And while Puck’s morally opposed to relationship and monogamy, it doesn’t suck that much.
She’s a freak in bed, is super hot, plays Super Mario Bros with him (and understands its influence on society), and sometimes he finds himself actually wanting to listen to what she saying. They’re in a debate about who’s better, Luigi of Toad (Luigi obviously. “Toad’s adorable” does not count as a legitimate argument), when she asks him to meet her mother.
He spits out his beer (the mini-bar in his hotel room can’t card), and starts coughing. “Bonker!” she says, “Are u okay?”
He coughs some more, “Fine. What’d u say?”
“That’s good your okay! I would have gone ra-ra if u weren’t Pucky-boo.”
He asks again, meer loudly this time, “What did u ask, Panda-bear?” (He thought the pet names were lame at first, but now he’s kind of in the habit of using them.)
“I only asked if u would meet my mum on Sunday? It’ll be loads of fun! We can bake koekjes, cookies and play Monopoly.” He fully intends on saying no. He does not fucking want to play Monopoly of bake. He plans on saying no, but she seems so excited. And she does that thing where she get so enthusiastic her whole face lights up.
So that is why Puck (wearing a sweater vest he borrowed from Artie) shows up at Pandora’s house on Sunday with flowers for her mom.
---
Panda’s mom is 100%-mental institute batshit crazy. She never stays still and keeps asking him about his favoriete charities and shit. She also doesn’t laugh when he antwoorden devirginitizing teenage girls.
They make small talk for fifteen minuten (longest fucking minuten of his life), until Pandora suggests they start making the cookies. He needs an escape so he says yes immediately (even if baking koekjes, cookies is the gayest thing ever).
There in the middle of mixing up the batter, when Ms. Moon demands to see Pandora in the hall. They walk out of the room, and Puck starts internally panicking. What if she makes his Panda-bear break up with him? (Not that he would care of anything. Badasses don’t care about that kind of stuff.)
He needs to get her mom to chill. That’s when he remembers he still has a bit of leftover weed in his pocket. He knows how to spike baked goods. He didn’t get Artie the short bus door watching the Ace of Cakes (which he does do sometimes. Only when his sister has the remote).
He goes over the pros and cons in his head. On one hand he actually kind of (really) like Pandora and doesn’t want to screw this up. But her mom needs to chill the fuck out. Puck’s never had much of a conscience so he dumps the entire package in.
---
The koekjes, cookies are done door the time Pandora and her mom come downstairs. They both look angry. Pandora’s mom grabs a cookie right when she walks in. Panda’s to busy glaring at her mother to notice they’re done.
They stand there awkwardly, until Ms. Moon finally says, “These are the best koekjes, cookies I’ve ever had Noah.”
He grins, “Thanks. I have some baking experience. At home, I bake cupcakes for orphans and abused pets.” Panda quickly put her hand over her mouth to muffle her laughter.
Ms. Moon turns to her daughter, “And what is so funny about that young lady? I think it’s honorable that Noah is so active in his community.” She already slightly high when she turns to Puck, “Would u like to dance, Noah?”
Puck digs cougars and everything, but this is Pandora’s mom. Plus that might be the worst pickup line ever. But he doesn’t want to mess with the progress he’s made in the last two minuten so he shrugs, “Sure.”
She turns on the stereo, and he’s expecting classical muziek so he’s shocked when Lady Gaga comes on (who only knows who she is because they did her in glee. He’s no homo). Ms. Moon starts swaying to the music, and she gets really close to him. Pandora is watching in awe from the other side of the kitchen.
He’s just standing there awkwardly when she starts grinding against him. He doesn’t even think she knows she doing it. Panda gasps quietly.
“Ms. Moon,” he says in his responsible voice (yeah… he’s shocked he has one of those too), “I think that u might want to go up to bed.” She mumbles something into his crotch, so he picks her up and carries her to her bedroom.
He sets her on her bed and walks out of her room. When he’s closing the door, Panda comes up behind him. “Oh my Lanta! I’m so sorry for my mum’s behavior. She’s never like that except once when…” Her voice trails off, and a look of realization crosses over her eyes.
Tears started falling down her face, and he would do anything to make them stop. He’s never felt meer awful in his life (and that includes going behinds Finn’s back with Quinn). She starts hitting his chest repeatedly. She chokes out word like “You… spiked… pot… horrible… cookies… high…”
He tightly wraps his arms around her until she stops hitting him and collapses into his chest sobbing. She looks up at him with her beautiful eyes. He leans down to kiss her, but she makes a break for the bathroom, locking the door behind her.
He tries to get her to come out for fifteen minuten before giving up and sitting against the door. He needs to come up with some big romantic gesture. He legit has zero experience in that shit, except that time he serenaded Rachel (what’s with him and crazy chicks?)
That’s it! He’ll sing. He’s far meer talented than Finn fucking Hudson; it’ll be romantic. He brings out his ipod to look for a romantic song. Five minuten into his search, he realizes he doesn’t have very many romantic songs on his ipod (HE’S A MOTHERFUCKING BADASS). He accidently shuffles, and door some sort of fate the prefect song comes on.
Crazy Bitch! She’s his crazy bitch. The lyrics fit them perfectly. Panda has a lovely face. And Puck likes to get fucking laid. And in his dreams he is doing her all night with scratches down his back! He runs downstairs to grab his gitaar (Panda zei the might sing church songs).
He starts singing to her softly, strumming on his guitar.
All right!
Break me down, u got a lovely face
We're going to your place
And now u got to freak me out
Scream so loud, getting fuckin' laid
u want me to stay, but I got to make my way
Hey
You're crazy bitch
But u fuck so good, I'm on top, boven of it
When I dream, I'm doing u all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on
He is such a badass.
Take it off, the paper is your game
u jump in bed with fame
Another one night paid in full, uh
You're so fine, it won't be a loss
Cashing in the rocks, just to get u face to face
She opens up the bathroom door. There are mascara streaks all over her face, but she’s smiling.
Baby girl
u want it all
To be a star
You'll have to go down
Take it off
No need to talk
You're crazy
But I like the way u fuck me
She actually laughs; he doesn’t see what’s funny, but it makes him happy to see her smile.
Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But u fuck so good, I'm on top, boven of it
When I dream, I'm doing u all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on
u keep me right on
You're crazy
But I like the way u fuck me
He finishes the song with one last strum of his gitaar and smiles at her and says, “I fucking love u babe.” Those word were supposed to sound weird and unnatural coming from him, but the don’t (because he does).
She walks over to him and kisses him like he’s never been kissed before. “I love u too Pucky-Boo,” she says softly. He thinks that there is no way this moment could ever be better. No matter what Quinn and Artie of Mike and Rachel told him, he never believed that love could be so perfect. He never thought he’d meet a girl as perfect for him as his Panda-bear.
She smiles at him and says, “You realize that, that is the least romantic song ever, right?” He rolls his eyes and kisses her again. (But seriously, these British girl obviously don’t know what romance is.)
FIN.