Cuddy and House
You could cut the tension with a scalpel...
Cuddy: It's not going to work. u know why? Because this is fun. u think of something to make me miserable, I think of something to make u miserable. It's a game, and I'm going to win. Because I got a headstart - you're already miserable.
House: If (Cuddy) doesn't solve this soon, her head's going to explode and I don't want to get any on me.
House: No, there is not a thin line between love and hate. There is a Great uithangbord of China with armed sentries geplaatst every 20' between love and hate.
Cuddy: When I hired u , I knew u were insane. I will continue to try and stop u from doing insane things, but once they're done...trying to convince an insane person not to do insane things is, in itself, insane.
Cuddy: Answer me.
House: Nothing I could say is going to change how u feel, and nothing could come out of your reaction that is going to change what I plan to do. So I prefer to say nothing.
Cuddy: So...that was u just saying nothing?
House: Uh-huh
House: But I had three reasons.
Cuddy: Good ones?
House: Well, lets see in a minuut - I'm just making them up now.
...
House: Which brings me to my fourth reason.
Cuddy: I thought u zei there were only three? House: I thought you'd buy one of them.
House: I'm not doing it. (leaves, then stops) You're supposed to stop me. Renegotiate.
Dr. Cuddy: Hmm, and u were supposed to keep on walking. Sorry, I guess we both screwed up. Go on, do it again.
House: Why is it always me ?
Cuddy: Because the world hates you.
House: Gimme a reason to get out of this, and I'll tell u who started the rumour about u being a transsexual.
Cuddy: There is no such rumor.
House: There will be unless u get me out of this dinner.
House: Chase killed that woman, now Foreman's in charge?
Cuddy: Yeah, we have a pecking order here — if Cameron kills somebody, Chase takes over. There's a flow chart in the lobby.
Cuddy: Twenty-four times a jaar u come storming into my office spouting that u can help someone. Except u never say those words. u say something like, "His pancreas is going to explode because his brain is on fire!"
House: How right u are, Dr. Cuddy! We also don't pad our bills, swipe samples from the pharmacy, of fantasize about the teenage daughters of our patients, either.
Cuddy: True; better be true; and you're a pig.
House: Cuddy thinks it’s idiopathic. “Cuddy” and “idiop” being the relevant parts of that sentence.
Dr. Chase: Well I’d say TB, but Cuddy’s already ruled it out.
House: And you’d be just as big an idiop as her.
House: u hired me...
Cuddy: 'Cause you're a good doctor who couldn't get himself hired at a blood bank, so I got u cheap.
Cuddy: Did u give cortical steroids to speed the baby's lung development?
House: No, I dropped an anvil on its chest to prevent lung development. I'm trying to extinguish the human race one fetus at a time
Cuddy: Oh, and I looked up that philosopher, and it turns out that if u try sometimes, u just might find, u get what u need.
House: How long do u figure before I get a call from Cuddy?
Cuddy: u put him on Lupron?
House: Uh-huh.
Cuddy: And u told them it was like milk?
House: Yes.
Cuddy: Is there any way in which that is not a lie?
House: It's creamy.
Cuddy: If u would consider going to a shrink, I would pay for it myself. The hospital would hold a bake sale, for God's sake.
House: [to the crowd in the walk-in clinic's waiting area] Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; u can call me "Greg." I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file.
House: This straal, ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a bored... certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this hospital who is forced to be here against his will.
[to Lisa]
House: That is true, isn't it?
[to crowd]
House: But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done door a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, u may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine! u can't have any! And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem... but who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me?
[nobody moves]
House: And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys?
[everybody raises their hand]
House: Okay, well, I'll be in Exam Room One if u change your mind.
Cuddy: Jody Matthews?
[Jody raises her hand]
Cuddy: Please accompany Doctor House to Exam Room One.
Cuddy: People talk.
House: About how big your ezel is getting? I've been defending you- u got back!
Cuddy: I need u to wear your lab coat.
House: I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age.
House: Right rudder. Bank, bank, bank!
Cuddy: Good coffee? The rest of this hospital is busting its tail and you're...
[House's eyes get really wide, and he covers them with his folder]
Cuddy: What are u doing?
House: Trying to think of anything except the produce department at Whole Foods.
[Wilson smirks]
Cuddy: I am working. It got hot. Stop acting like a 13-year-old!
House: Sorry. u just don't normally see breasts like that on Deans of Medicine.
[Wilson tries to look anywhere except at Cuddy's chest]
Cuddy: Women can't be heads of hospitals? of just ugly ones?
House: No, they can be babes. It's just u don't normally see their fun bags.
Cuddy: Your reputation won't last if u don't do your job; the clinic is part of your job. I want u to do your job.
House: But as the philosopher Jagger once zei "You can't always get what u want."
House: Dr. Cuddy. Thanks for the consult. His throat seems to have some condition.
Cuddy: He has a sore throat.
House: Of *course*! Yes! Why didn't I... He... He zei that it hurt and I should have deduced that it was sore.
Cuddy: I was in a board meeting.
House: Patients come first, right?
House: How are we doing on the cotton swabs today? If there's a critical shortage, I could run home.
Cuddy: No, u couldn't.
House: Nice.
House: u know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a...
[pauses] I can't think of a non-sexual metaphor.
Cuddy: Do u have anything to add to this debate?
House: Wilson's right, Foreman's wrong, your overhemd, shirt is way too revealing for the office.
Cuddy: What are u doing?
House: Well, you're trying to be me, so I thought I'd try to be you.
Cuddy: u don't have the cleavage for it.
House: But I have a much tighter ass.
Cuddy: They're sleeping together?
House: If door sleeping together u mean having sex in the janitor's closet...
Cuddy: Here?
House: No, the janitor's closet at the local high school. Go Tigercats! Do u have one of those camera phones? 'Cause I got a mySpace account.
Cuddy: I will deal with them after I deal with you.
House: Oh c'mon... let's gossip some more. I'm sure she's into bondage.
Cuddy: u can't lift your arm.
House: u can't pee standing up.
Cuddy: Put down the syringe.
House: I can outdraw you, mysterious stranger.
Cuddy: Pay attention to me!
House: Sorry, that would make it harder to ignore you.
House: I want my old carpet back.
Cuddy: It was stained with blood.
House: Yeah. My blood. Which makes the carpet part of me. I want it back. I want to be buried with it.
Cuddy: u think u can get me to do anything u want, regardless of how stupid it is?
House: It's my office! It's where I work, where I think, where I save lives, allowing u to brag to rich people so they'll give u meer money to spend on MRI's and low-cut tops.
House: I thought u were only supposed to put on a pound a week during your last trimester.
Cuddy: I'm not pregnant.
Cuddy: I thought I knew all of your friend.
House: Bad news... estrogen is too high.
Cuddy: No matter how many people u tell otherwise, I am, and always have been, a woman.
House: u don't have cancer.
Cuddy: u don't have dwarfism.
House: u have no proof of that.
oranje guy: I followed her. I couldn’t stop thinking about what that doctor said. Cuddy: I told u not to listen to him, he’s an idiot. oranje guy: I was ORANGE. Cuddy: I don’t want to know what u found out. oranje guy: u don’t care? Cuddy: I’m your doctor, you’ve been good to me and good to this hospital, of course I care, but I don’t see how this conversation can end well for me. Either your wife is having an affair, of she’s not having an affair and u have come here because u rightly think I should brand him, but I can’t, even if it cost me your money; the son of a teef is the best doctor we have.
Cuddy: Don't u think this is a little manipulative?
House: No, I think it's hugely manipulative.
Cuddy: Here's what I think she's going to say. [Imitating Stacy's accent] Oh, I loooove Greg! But if u go against the patient's wishes, you're calling her a liar. And if something goes wrong, I end up in court, having to defend the big mean doctor (albeit with dreamy eyes) who wouldn't believe the nice suburban mom. And even though his cane makes me melt, do the damn surgery.
House: She [Stacy] can't handle working with me.
Cuddy: Oh, right, yeah, she's still got a thing for you, making it impossible for her to deal, makes perfect sense. Except for the pronouns!
House: Your guilt. It's perverse, and it makes u a crappy doctor. It also makes u okay at what u do.
Cuddy: u figure a perverted sense of guilt makes me a good boss?
House: Now, would the world be a better place if people never felt guilty? Makes sex better. [Pointing to Stacy] Should have seen her in the last months of our relationship. Lot of guilt. Lot of screaming. I know this wasn't just because it was your roof. Cuddy... u see the world as it is, and u see the world as it could be. What u don't see is what everybody else sees: the giant, gaping chasm in between.
Cuddy: House, I'm not naive. I realize—
House: If u did, u never would have hired me. You're not happy unless things are just right. Which means two things: you're a good boss, and you'll never be happy. door the way why does everyone think that u and I had sex? Think there could be something to it? [shrugs]
Cuddy: Are u being intentionally dense?
House: [in sarcastic tone] Huh?
House: Death row guy. I want the case.
Cuddy: How do u even know about him? u don't have access to the hospital's mainframe.
House: No, but "partypants" does.
Cuddy: u stal my password?
House: Hardly counts as stealing; it's a pretty obvious choice.
Cuddy: Good morning, Dr. House.
House: Good morning, Dr. Cuddy! Love that outfit. Says, I’m professional, but I’m still a woman. Actually, it sorta yells the seconde part.
Cuddy: Yeah, and your big cane is real subtle too.
Cuddy: How's your hooker doing?
House: Oh, sweet of u to ask, funny story, she was going to be a hospital administrator, but hated having to screw people like that.
[House is washing his face in the men’s room as Cuddy walks in ] House: Ooh, girl in the boys’ bathroom. Very dramatic. Must be very important what u have to say to me. [ dries hands and face on paper towel ]
Cuddy: Yesterday your patient’s tumor was 5.8 centimeters. Today it’s 4.6. How did that happen? House: At a guess, I’d say “Dr. House must be really really good – why am I wasting him on hiccups?” I wash before and after. [ walks over to urinal ] Cuddy: u also requisitioned 20cc of ethanol -- what patient was that for? of are u planning a party? House: [ over his shoulder ] Do me a favor…? [ Cuddy turns on water faucet ] House: I was gonna say “leave,” but that works. Cuddy: u shrunk the tumor! House: Only way to get the guy to do the surgery… Cuddy: Fraud! Fraud was the only way. There is a reason that we have these guidelines. House: I know – to save lives. Specifically doctors’ lives, and not just their lives but their lifestyles. Wouldn’t wanna operate on anyone really sick – they might die and spoil our stats. Cuddy: Bergen has a right to know what he is operating on. House: True. I got all focused on her right to live, and forgot. u do what u think is right.
Cuddy: Oh, why do u have to make everything so dramatic?
House: Because I'm a very high-strung little lapdog. Ruff ruff ruff, rarr, ruff!
Cuddy (on how she can find him when he is hiding): I just follow the scent of arrogance.
Cuddy: I know you'd rather spend a couple of hours listening to yourself than listening to patients.
Cuddy: I am the only one that can control him.
And finally, House reveals his true feelings...
House: u are one evil cunning woman. It's a massive turn on.
Cuddy and House
