Theme song: link
Bob: *Picks up his phone as it rings* Hello.
SeanTheHedgehog Presents
The Bob Newhart Fanfiction
Narrator: This is the story of a stallion named Bob Newhart. He lives in Fillydelphia with his wife, Emily. They have a friend that sometimes visits them, named Howard. Bob has a great life. He's a therapist, and helps out many ponies that have a problem. One day, he arrived at work, and three ponies were waiting for him.
The song fades away as the therapy session begins.
Lily: Good morning Bob.
Sam: How has your dag been Bob?
Mr. Carlin: Wonderful weather we're having, eh Bob?
Bob: Yeah, it's wonderful weather we're having. What's the matter with u three?
Sam: Mr. Carlin says that the two of us are lazy, because he want's us to wash his car.
Mr. Carlin: Just do somepony a favor, okay?
Bob: Mr. Carlin, if u want your car to be washed, but don't feel like doing it yourself, go to a carwash.
Mr. Carlin: That costs money. I want somepony to do it for free.
Bob: I don't think that's possible. You'll have to pay the ponies that wash your car.
Mr. Carlin: I don't have enough money to get a carwash though.
Bob: Do u have any kids?
Mr. Carlin: Only one. Why?
Bob: I know a lot of colts, and fillies that like to have fun with water, sponges, and everything used for cleaning a car. Perhaps your little pony would like to clean the car for free.
Mr. Carlin: Yeah. Good idea.
Bob: Excellent, I'm glad we could fix this. So, is that the only problem?
Lily: Yes, thank u for helping us.
Bob: Alright, u three come back anytime u have another problem.
Later, at Bob's apartment.
Howard: *On smartphone*
Emily: Howard?
Howard: Yes?
Emily: How long have u been on my phone?
Howard: Oh, this was yours? I've been playing Candy Crush for so long, that I forgot.
Emily: How many lives do I have left?
Howard: One.
Bob: *Enters his apartment*
Emily: Hi Bob.
Bob: Hello Emily. *sees Howard on smartphone* Need extra lives Howard?
Howard: Oh no, this is Emily's phone.
Bob: Well, don't u have your own phone?
Howard: I used to, but it got destroyed on the last plane I had to fly.
Bob: How?
Howard: Let's just say I was too busy to see where I was sitting.
Bob: Oh, I see.
Emily: How was your dag dear?
Bob: It was alright. I had three ponies come in, because one of them tried to create some slavery over a carwash.
Emily: Well, u don't have to worry about that anymore. I just finished preparing dinner. u two can eat whenever you're ready.
Howard: Alright, just as soon as I... *Fails level* What?! When did a bomb get there?
Bob: hallo Howard, how about we have some chicken, instead of a rage?
Howard: *Puts phone on table* Okay.
The volgende dag at work, Bob was in his office.
Bob: Carol?
Carol: Yes Bob?
Bob: Could u please get me some coffee?
Carol: Coming right up.
Mr. Carlin: *Knocking on door*
Bob: My door is open, u can come in.
Mr. Carlin: Oh, I knew that, I just like knocking on doors. *Enters room*
Bob: Is everything okay?
Mr. Carlin: Well, to be honest, no. My wife got angry with me, for letting our colt wash the car for free. Now, she's thinking on divorcing me.
Bob: Well, I'm sorry to hear that Mr. Carlin-
Carol: *Brings coffee* Here u are Bob.
Bob: Thanks, put it on my bureau in front of me.
Carol: *Puts coffee on desk, and leaves office*
Mr. Carlin: What were u going to say?
Bob: What I was going to say was that u should apologize to your wife, and try to take her out on a date. This works on most occasions, but if she's extremely angry, there's a chance it won't work. That reminds me, how angry is she?
Mr. Carlin: She threw mud on my car.
Bob: Yeah, I'd go with the divorce.
Mr. Carlin: Thank u Mr. Newhart.
Bob: u can just call me Bob.
Mr. Carlin: But u always call me Mr. Carlin.
Bob: Well, maybe that's because I don't know your first name.
Mr. Carlin: Well I don't have a bureau with my entire name on it.
Bob: What is your first name?
Mr. Carlin: George.
Bob: Alright George, I'm glad u came down here to talk, but unfortunately, we're out of time. u come back again volgende week if you'd like.
Mr. Carlin: Right, thanks. *Leaves office*
A half uur later, Bob's boss arrived.
Boss: Hello Bob.
Bob: Hello sir.
Boss: I just want to say you've been doing a great job this week. Keep it up.
Bob: u got it sir, but I wanna tell u something.
Boss: Yes?
Bob: I think it's time that I went on a vacation. Only for four days.
Boss: Okay. We'll get u something for your vacation.
Bob: Alright, I'll go the dag after tomorrow.
Boss: Good plan.
Lily & Sam: *Walk in office* Hi Bob.
Bob: Hello. What can I help u two with?
Lily: We were at the zoo, and something bad happened to us.
Bob: What happened?
Sam: One of the guards made us leave this exhibit, because he thought we were loitering, but we were just watching one of the monkeys.
Bob: And how did this make u feel?
Lily: Angry.
Six hours later, Bob returned home, and was talking to Emily about the vacation
Emily: What did u have in mind?
Bob: I was thinking we could go on a luxury cruise. We'll go the dag after tomorrow, and take a break from it all.
Howard: *Knocking on door* Bob, let me in!
Bob: In a minuut Howard, I'm busy.
Howard: *Walks in apartment, and walks right volgende to Bob*
Bob: Come in Howard!
Emily: Could u close the door?
Howard: Oh, right. Sorry. *Goes to door, and closes it* What's going on?
Bob: We're planning a vacation.
Howard: Can I come along?
Bob: Well...
Howard: *Hears his phone ringing* Hold that thought. *Answers phone* Hello... What?... Now?..... Alright, sorry, I'll get there right away. *Hangs up* I have to fly a plane to London. Perhaps another time, I'll go on a vacation with you.
Bob: Right.
Howard: *Leaving apartment* Bye gu- *walks into door, then opens the door* Bye guys. *Closes door as he exits apartment*
The volgende day, Bob came to work. Carol had a gift for his vacation tomorrow.
Bob: Hello.
Boss & Carol: hallo Bob. We have your present.
Bob: What is it?
Carol: *Shows gift* Some wine, for you, and your wife.
Bob: Thanks. How old is this wine?
Carol: It's from last Tuesday.
Bob: Oh.
Sam: *Arrives* Hello Bob.
Bob: Hi Sam, have a zitplaats, stoel in my office, I'll be right with you.
Sam: *Sees wine* What's the vintage on that? I'll bet it's from 1936.
Bob: Last tuesday.
Sam: Oh. Doesn't taste as good as a '36, but okay. *Goes to office*
Bob: Well, I really like the gift u have gegeven me, and I want to thank you.
Boss: No problem. Now get to work.
Bob: *Goes to his office*
The volgende dag was the vacation. Bob, and Emily got on the luxury cruise liner, and were enjoying theirselves very much.
Bob: *Laying in bed* This is great Emily. I'm glad we could get some time to do this.
Emily: You're right. We needed meer time for a vacation.
Bob: No Howard, no problems with Lily, Sam of Mr. Carlin. Just you, and me.
Somepony was knocking on the door.
Emily: Who could that be?
Scottish Pony: *Opens door* Good morning. My name is Burt Klinger, and this is me mum, Mildred.
Bob: u call your own mother door her first name?
Burt: I ain't got a mother, I zei mum.
Mildred: It's just a nickname he likes to use for me.
Bob: Pretty... Clever.
Burt: So how are you?
Bob: Good.
Emily: Excuse me for asking, but have we met before?
Burt: No we haven't. This is something I like to do with everypony when they seem friendly.
Bob: But u just met us.
Mildred: We saw u boarding, and we saw which room u went in, and we decided to come in, and say hello.
Bob: How nice of you, hello.
Burt: Well, we better get going, a scavenger hunt is going to start soon.
Emily: Ooh, I love scavenger hunts.
Bob: I was going to get some lunch.
Emily: Why don't the four of us go together?
Bob: I don't think thats-
Burt: That's a great idea. Let's go now.
Bob: *Sighs* Why?
Burt: u know what I like to get all the time?
Bob: Potatoes?
Burt: No, that's the Irish. I like to get the salad.
Mildred: And I get steak.
Burt: Maybe, this time u should have the salade with me mum.
Emily: salade sounds nice.
Bob: I have to agree with Mildred, the biefstuk sounds good.
Waiter: May I take your orders.
Burt: Me, and mum will have a salad.
Mildred: Don't be daft Burt, I can order for myself. Let me have a steak.
Waiter: Okay. *Writing down orders* And for the rest of you?
Bob: Steak.
Emily: Salad.
Waiter: Okay. What kind of dressing would u like for the salads.
Burt: Ranch.
Emily: French.
Waiter: Coming right up. *Goes to kitchen*
Burt: Why didn't u get the salad?
Mildred: I told you, I could order my own food!
Bob: Hey, there's no need to shout.
Mildred: Sorry Bobby.
Bob: Please, just call me Bob.
Burt: So, what u do u two do?
Bob: I'm a therapist.
Burt: A rapist?
Bob: No, I zei therapist.
Emily: I work on advertising.
Bob: So, what about-
Burt: u know something? I'm sorry to say this, but I hate therapists. They're always telling ponies that they have this problem, and how to solve them.
Bob: Actually Burt, the ponies that come to visit a therapist tell them their problem. Not the other way around.
Burt: But u always tell them how to solve it.
Bob: Because they want help.
Burt: I just hate therapy in general.
Emily: hallo look, the band is here.
The band shows up on stage, and is playing a song: link
Mildred: Oh, I love this song.
Bob: Me too. Emily, do u want to dance while we wait for our food?
Emily: Sure.
Mildred: I want to dance too.
Burt: I don't. u go ahead, and dance. We'll let the waiter know where u are.
Bob: Well, thanks. *Goes to dancing floor*
Emily: *Follows Bob*
While Bob, and Emily were dancing, Mildred seemed sad. She left the table.
Burt: Where do u think you're going?
Mildred: For a walk. I need some fresh air.
Burt: Oh, fine.
Mildred: *Goes for walk*
After lunch, Bob went in his room to relax, while Emily, and a few other ponies went on a scavenger hunt around the ship. Soon, Bob heard somepony knocking on his door.
Bob: Come in.
Mildred: *Comes in* I need your help with something.
Bob: What's the matter?
Mildred: It's Burt. He's been bothering me since we came here. I told him not to call me mum, but he got angry with me.
Bob: He didn't try to hurt you, did he?
Mildred: No, but he's probably looking for me, and then he'll hurt me.
Bob: I'll make sure he doesn't hurt you.
Random Pony: *Knocking on door*
Mildred: That's probably him!
Bob: *Opens door*
Random Pony: Hi I'm on a scavenger hunt. Do u have any grey socks, a football, of a long wooden stick?
Bob: No, I don't have any of those.
Random Pony: *Leaves room*
Bob: *Closes door* Now, where were we?
Mildred: I told u that Burt might hurt me if he finds me.
Bob: Well, if he shows up, u just hide somewhere, and I'll tell him that you're not around here.
??: *Knocking on door*
Mildred: That's him, I know it! *Hiding in closet*
Bob: *Opens door*
Random Mare: Hello, I'm on a scavenger hunt. Do u have a foto of Bruno Mars, of a diamond necklace?
Bob: What kind of a scavenger hunt has a diamond necklace?
Random Mare: None, but I thought if I zei it fast, u would give one to me. *Leaves*
Bob: *Closes door*
Mildred: *Comes out of closet*
Okay, I know that sounded wrong, but bare with me!
Mildred: I think this is too death defying.
Bob: Mildred, u have to relax. u should take some deep breaths, and if u need to, I'll let u lay in my bed.
??: *Knocking on door*
Mildred: Back to the closet! *Runs in closet*
Bob: *Opens door*
Random pony 35: Hello, I'm on a scavenger hunt. Do u have a pair of headphones, an Italian flag, of a spear?
Bob: No.
Random pony 35: Are u sure?
Bob: I think I'd remember packing a spear.
Random pony 35: *Leaves*
Bob: *Closes door*
Mildred: *Comes out of closet*
Emily: *Enters room*
Mildred: AH! *Sees Emily* Oh, it's just you. I thought it was somepony else.
Emily: What's the matter?
Bob: Mildred, and Burt got in this fight, and now she's concerned that Burt wants to hurt her.
Emily: What are u going to do?
Bob: I'm not sure. I guess we can keep Mildred in here until things get sorted out with her, and Burt.
Emily: Is that alright with u Mildred?
Mildred: Yes! Anywhere from that miserable stallion is a good place to me.
Bob: Alright. I'm gonna go talk to him.
Bob found Burt at the bar. He was drinking some alcohol.
Bob: Burt, may I talk to you?
Burt: Oh, sure thing Bob. What would u like to talk about?
Bob: I heard from your wife that u threatened to beat her up if u saw her again.
Burt: Yes I did. Have u seen her?
Bob: No.
Burt: Oh well. Why don't u have some drinks with me? You'll love it.
Bob: How many did u have?
Burt: Oh, about six so far.
Waiter: *Arrives* Would u like another drink?
Burt: Yes, and get one for me friend too.
Bob: Right. I want one too.
Waiter: Coming up. *Goes to get drink*
Bob: So anyway, why would u want to beat up your wife?
Burt: She disrespected me.
Bob: Well, the way I heard it, u were disrespecting her.
Burt: u must've heard it wrong. She told me that she didn't want to be called mum anymore, so that infuriated me, and I told her to leave me alone.
Bob: u know, maybe for once u should call your wife door her own name.
Waiter: *Arrives with drinks*
Burt: Thank you.
Bob: Yes, thanks.
Burt: Could u bring us another drink?
Waiter: Yep. I'm on it. *Goes to get drinks*
Burt: Now u drink that booze, and tell me what u think.
Bob: *drinks* It's- *Coughs* Good. *Bangs on counter twice*
Burt: I knew you'd like it. *Drinks his drink* Now, why would I want to call Mildred door her own name, when I got an adorable nickname for her?
Bob: I don't think she likes that nickname anymore. Maybe u should stop.
Burt: No thanks.
Waiter: *Brings drinks*
Burt: Thank you. *drinks*
Bob: *Drinks, coughs, then bangs on counter twice*
Burt: u really enjoy that, don't you?
Bob: Yeah, but I have to go. *Leaves counter*
Bob returned to his room, where Emily, and Mildred were waiting.
Mildred: What did he say?
Bob: *drunk* Who's he? I never met that pony.
Mildred: Burt. What did he say to you?
Bob: Oh, that pony... He zei that mum is a great name for you.
Emily: Are u okay Bob?
Bob: Me? Of course I am... Who are we talking about?
Mildred: I'm so kruis with Burt, I could just stempel, punch him.
Emily: Bob has a solution to get that anger out of your system. What was it Bob?
Bob: What was what?
Emily: Oh, I remember. Grab a pillow, and stempel, punch it.
Mildred: *Grabs pillow* Are u sure?
Emily: This works all the time.
Mildred: *Punches pillow* That felt fun.
Meanwhile outside of Bob's room
Burt: *Walking toward Bob's room*
Random Pony: *Sees Burt* Excuse me sir, I'm on a scavenger hunt, do u have a yellow crayon, of a cell phone?
Burt: I don't have any of those.
Random Pony: What kind of a pony doesn't have a cell phone? *Walks away*
Burt: *Knocks on door*
Mildred: AH! That could be him!
Burt: Bob, could I come in?
Bob: Sure.
Mildred: What are u doing?
Bob: Relax, use that hoofdkussen, kussen if he tries to stempel, punch you.
Burt: *Enters room* Mildred, what are u doing here?
Emily: She just stopped door a few minuten ago.
Burt: Oh. Anyway, I wanna apologize for my behavior. It was wrong of me, and I won't do it again.
Mildred: That's great Burt. Thank you.
Burt, and Mildred left the room smiling at each other.
Bob: Well, now what?
Emily: We enjoy the rest of our cruise until returning to Fillydelphia.
Captain: *Talking on loudspeaker* Attention, this is your captain speaking. I know this may seem like you're flying on an airplane, especially with the starting sentence, but that's not the point. u will be returning to Fillydelphia soon. Thank u for staying with us, and we hope u enjoyed your visit on this ship.
Bob: Well. It was nice while it lasted.
Bob, and Emily returned home.
Emily: Well, that was a fun cruise.
Bob: *Being sarcastic* Yeah, especially the part where random ponies ask for random items.
Emily: Perhaps some TV might help you. *Turns on TV* Let's see what's on.
TV Pony: Walt Disney has gone bankrupt creating the movie Frozen, which turned out to be the worst animated film ever.
Emily: Enjoy that, I'm gonna go get groceries. *Leaves apartment*
Bob: Yeah, but I'm not watching a review about some stupid cartoon that nopony likes. *Changes channel*
Ponies On The Rails came on the televisie
Gordon: *Loading baggage on train*
Pete: *Parks car in parking lot*
P.S.M: Gordon, your boss is here.
Gordon: How do u know? *sees Pete's car* Oh no.
Bob: *Changes channel*
The Seventh Scroll came on.
Bartholomew: I think we're here.
Javelin: My flat's over there in that building. *they walk up there and find the door open* Oh no... this can't be good...
Bob: Don't care *Changes channel*
A channel that played classical TV shows came on.
Bob: Oh good. I'm watching Adam 12.
25 minuten later.
Emily: *Returns* Bob, this isn't what u were watching when I left.
Bob: I know, I changed the channel.
Emily: *Sees TV* What are u watching?
Bob: The classics. Right now, they're playing an episode of Emergency, and the brand department has to run around Los Pegasus saving ponies.
Emily: Interesting, but it's almost ten O' clock. Don't u normally sleep at that time of night?
Bob: *sees Clock* Oh, you're right. *Turns off TV* I have almost forgotten.
volgende morning at work
Bob: *Sitting in office*
Boss: *Knocks on door*
Bob: Come in.
Boss: *Enters room*
Bob: Hello sir. What can I do for you?
Boss: First of all, I wanna welcome u back.
Bob: Well, thank you.
Boss: And I also wanna tell you, that Mr. Carlin is no longer going to be here.
Bob: Why not?
Boss: He zei it was because of everypony here, in this town. So he grabbed all his belongings, and moved all the way into Chicagoat.
Bob: Chicagoat? Goats live there, not ponies.
Burt: There's a few ponies that live there. Anyway, Mr. Carlin is gone.
Bob: That's too bad. Sir, I wanna tell u the truth. I was really tired of this job, so that's why I went on the vacation. When I was on there however, this Scottish couple zei they were having problems, and I helped them.
Boss: Good work. Do u think u could get them here?
Bob: Well I don't know. I never did get their number.
Burt & Mildred: *Come up in elevator*
Carol: Excuse me, who are u two?
Burt: vrienden with Bob, we'd like to see him.
Carol: Okay.
Burt & Mildred: *Walk into Bob's office* Hello.
Bob: How did u two find me?
Burt: We followed ye'.
Mildred: And we're sure glad we done it too.
Burt: Now we can come to u whenever we need help.
Bob: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
The End
The Bob Newhart Fanfiction - SeanTheHedgehog. Copyright 2014