June 25th.

June 6th 2010

They say, one day, one life, one minuet, one moment, you should cherish them all cause you never know how many of those ‘ones’ you have left. That applies for nearly everything when you come to think about it, for me it’s none of the above. It was my ‘one year’.

Daddy, oh how I loved my father, my love for him is undying. It was the one year we were allowed to see more of him, all our lives we’d been tied down in school, education was important to daddy so me and my brothers never complained, daddy was happy, we were achieving, and we got rewarded when we did so, all round the family was great. But there was something about 2009 that got individuals all around the globe buzzing with excitement and happiness it was overwhelming knowing my dad was the reason of so many people having hope once again, he’d been away for a while and he never really said bye the way he wanted to. Now he had the chance to. Just 5 amazing shows in London to tell everyone bye ‘this is it’ he said to us promising that once semester ended we’d get to come to London with him and watch him perform in front of millions. There was so many confusions back then some how they bumped up the number of shows to 50… and suddenly we’d have to be travelling around England doing them, it was now a tour. Daddy named the tour ‘this is it’ cause honestly this was it, he was 50 we’d laugh saying that he’d shock his fans with all his grey hairs. My dads love for music was the thing that kept his soul alive it took him quite a while to decide whether to go ahead with it ending his career with bang! But he sat all three of us down one day and explained how ‘he was getting too old’ and that ‘fans will get tired of him’ of course they wouldn’t as far as I never nobody hated daddy, I kind of think of him as the male mother Theresa….thinking about it now ‘this is it’ was a really bad name choice.



June 25th. Whoever’s reading this knows exactly what happened that day. The day my dads music, my dads pictures, my dads wisdom, my dads love covered the globe. My daddy, my hero. Michael Jackson. The day Michael Jackson died….. Forgive me if this sounds vain, but that day all the attention was on me, my family, my daddy. Everything surrounded us, that’s was only the beginning of a new start. I think he saw it coming you know, the last week he was here with us he would just tell us kids over and over again how much we made his life a joy and how much he loved us and how when he goes away we should always remember that he loves us and that its only a for a little while and we’d be together very very soon. They worked him way too hard, he was exhausted every night he came back from rehearsals, too worried about the tour to eat, mostly the only thing I ever saw him put into his mouth round that period was…well the same thing he died from… drugs. He had taken drugs all his life! So I don’t see why all of a sudden he died?!.....
I feel for blanket the most, bless his heart its been almost a year since daddy died and he still thinks he’s on holiday, we’ve tried trust me, to explain to him that he’s not coming back, but he snaps back at you saying daddy doesn’t lie and he’s on holiday and that he’ll be back soon. He thinks the memorial services was for one of daddy’s impersonators… he even complimented the minister for his great acting performance and that he hope the movie turns out to be big and how when daddy gets back he’s going to love the whole dramatic death scene. You may be laughing reading that, I do too sometimes, but its really sad at the same time cause my baby brother has no idea that his father has died, gone he’s not coming back. Ever.

I get angry, cause he died. How could he die? Doesn’t he not know that he has family here that includes you, yes you he considered everyone in the world his family. If he was with his family why leave? Family is where home is right? So why leave? Gosh! I’m so selfish listen to me! How can I blame him? I’m hurt. This hurts. I remember when Dr. Conrad (that’s what us kids called him) called us up to help him with daddy, when I touch him he was cold stone and I screamed, prince was the brave one doing mouth to mouth, and CPR. Poor me. That wasn’t the thing that scared me the most though what scared me was when I told my daddy I loved him with prince and Dr. Conrad trying to revive him all I could do was stand there repeating ‘I love you daddy…. I love you daddy… I love you daddy’ in hope he’s say it back I just wanted him to tell me he loved me, to get up and hug me and tell me everything’s going to be okay, but he just laid there still. I knew from then he was gone. ‘Cause I know for a fact my dad would have told me how much he loved me back. That was the thing that scared me the most it hurt the most too. Have you ever been in that position? That position where everything is solely counted by the power of love? Imagine it your father right dying in front of you and you say I love for the last time and he doesn’t say it back…. That was what killed me that day. Not the fact that he actually died, the fact that I was depending on him and his love I was depending on his love to keep me going and because I didn’t receive his love. I kind of didn’t know how to give love, to receive it from anybody else, to trust people, to trust myself. obviously I trust my family I’m not on about them, I’m on about the people who constantly lie to me saying they’ll be there but when daddy died they weren’t, I completely cut them out of my life. They’re not worth it.

Prince and I are close, he’s my bigger brother I go to him to talk about everything, I do love him. He’s the one who’s trying to be brave and keep his head held high, for the sake of me and blanket. He’s the oldest so I appreciate him trying to take charge trying to kind of fill daddy’s shoes a bit to keep us grounded and happy, that’s all daddy every wanted. Bless him. We live with grandma and grandpa now. Everything’s changed so there’s no more home schooling its all public yet private. So prince does this thing I call dad duty, just because dad used to do it, every morning before school he’d wake me and blanket up and gather us in the study room In the basement and we’d have morning parties…. Well, not like a party but there was junk food and music video games and some times we’d dance, that’s mostly blankets thing though, most of the time we just sit and talk about life I’ve had some pivotal moments like that, this morning blanket brought dad up and me and prince just held each other and cried. Despite the pain of some the issues that can come up in our little morning parties, I love the fact that prince does daddy duty. Grandma disapproves of junk food, she’s a die hard Jehovah’s whiteness so every luxury has been cut off in my eyes, so its nice to have morning parties with junk food (god bless auntie Janet she’s the one who sneaks the stash of candy into the study and hides then in a encyclopaedia book, if grandma ever found out that her encyclopaedia has hollow insides were screwed) but yeah, its our little taste of home…. Our little taste of daddy.

Debbie Rowe. Let’s talk about her, my mother. i knew about her a long time ago way before prince and blanket found out, that’s only cause I saw the papers giving daddy all rights to us, I saw that when I was 7, I didn’t understand it at the time but like I said education has been in my life a great deal and daddy made sure we knew every thing. It only took me 3 months to figure out what it finally meant. I never told anyone I knew about it, daddy never raised the subject so I figured he didn’t want us to know. After he died her name came up again blanket and prince where in shock that they had a mother…. I faked it. Another thing blanket needs to realise Debbie , yeah not his mom, I think its some Spanish surrogate mother If I read the papers correctly and I do actually know his mom personally we’ve met on various occasions, grandma doesn’t know this, I say that I go round Spencer’s house but I’m really with blankets mom. She just want to know about blanket see if he’ doing okay since the death, she’s really nice I like her. She told me to tell him that daddy will be back soon….that disturbed me a little. Wow! It’s June 6th and I just found the guts to actually write all this down into my diary.



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Later on that day – dinner.

I’m picking at my food today its some vegan stuff. Not my thing at all, grandma’s thing though, I’m twelve I have no say in what I eat.

“Paris sweetie, Spencer called asking if you wanted to sleepover hers tonight?” grandma said. That kind of shocked me at first grandma hates me sleeping away from home.

I thought about it, going to see Spencer may be a good idea after all, it’d be a chance to get away from the reality of this place, I don’t mean in a bad way, I just need a break. But then on the other hand if I go to Spencer’s I’m going to have to fake being happy to enjoy manicures and pedicures and playing house and don’t get me wrong I’m twelve, very mature for my age I know a lot that’s why I think I’m Spencer's friend cause to me Spencer is normal your normal twelve year old me on the other hand not so much. I know 7 languages, I have no daddy, my moms got to ring up court to come visit me and I have the paparazzi chasing for no reason what so ever. Spencer on the other hand is normal; she’s a childish person who knows how to have fun. But for some reason I feel a lot older that my birth certificate says I am.

“Yeah” I finally spoke “yeah, seems like a good Idea grandma”

I’d have to thank her when I get back from the sleep over I don’t much privileges so I may as well take this one.

“Okay sweetie ill call Nancy and tell her what time to come pick you up, would you be ready by 9:00pm?”

Grandma’s so cute though, I love old people, ha! The way she tries to munch like when she’s eating I tell you, you have to be here to understand.

“Yeah sure thing grandma” I smiled, yeah I should go a little one on one with Spencer should actually do me good.

“Nanny said that I can sleep round Seth's tonight too parry, and prince is going to auntie Janet's house tonight” blanket nearly popped my eardrum he was way too excited to see Seth. Wait prince is off to auntie J’s? I want to go! Wait! Why are all the kids out of the house?

“That’s great blanket I hope you have fun with the new super soaker buddy” I laughed blanket and his super soaker… just like daddy. “Prince you’re of to auntie J’s? Why?”

“ I want to meet her new man, Wissam something I think she said, I thought well, you’ know she’s like a mother to us I just got to make sure this dudes good for her I don’t want any one to mess her around” I nodded agreeing. I love my auntie Janet, and to me she is my mother not Debbie. Janet's been there all my life to be straight with you. And she’s had two failed marriages James and René. And her seven year relationship with Jermaine ended round the time dad died. I loved Jermaine he was perfect for her I honestly didn’t see any thing wrong with them. I’ll have to investigate that one another day.

I just realized I’m actually eating this vegan crap, I got so deep in thought I forgot that I was actually eating, oh well at least it won’t go to waste.

“So nana why’s all the kids out of the house tonight?” I was curious it was okay when she let on kid go but all three? Nu uh something’s up

“I have a guest coming round tonight and I can’t really have you guys in the house”….okays so why can’t we be here to meet this guest?

“Oh… so why do we have to go?”

“Me and the guest have, well al lot of catching up to do, and a lot of talking, nothing for little ears to hear” hmmm well call me Dumbo cause me ears are huge… and if he had something for kids not to hear she should of thought of that a week ago when her and granddad decided it was time for the to get down and funky at all hours of the night.

“Oh I see…” I told everyone night once I finished eating and went up to my room, I packed my over night bag for the sleep over and grabbed my tape recorder I went down stairs into the living room waiting for Spencer to arrive, I was the last out of the three of us to go. I quickly stuck the tape recorder under the table and pressed record, I had 98 hours of recording left. What ever was going to be talked about tonight I was going to find out. I knew it was wrong. But to be honest something about the tone of nana’s voice just went through me, it was something serious and it was concerning us kids… why else would she get rid of us like that?