Phil Wenneck: Tracy, it's Phil.
Tracy Garner: Phil, where the hell are u guys?
Phil Wenneck: Listen, we fucked up. We lost Doug.
Tracy Garner: What? We're getting married in *five hours*.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah... that's not gonna happen.
Phil Wenneck: Whose fucking baby is that?
Stu Price: Alan, are u sure u didn't see anyone else in the suite?
Alan Garner: Yeah, I checked all the rooms... no one's there. Check its kraag of something.
Alan Garner: hallo Phil, look!
[laughs hysterically while miming the baby masturbating]
Alan Garner: He's jackin' his little weenus!
Phil Wenneck: Pull yourself together, bro!
Alan Garner: Not at the table, Carlos!
Alan Garner: [while picking up Phil at the school where he works] Did u have to park so close?
Doug Billings: Yeah, what's wrong?
Alan Garner: I shouldn't be here.
Doug Billings: Why is that, Alan?
Alan Garner: I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school... of a Chuck E. Cheese.
Mr. Chow: So long, gay boys!
Black Doug: I always wondered why they were called roofies. Cause you're meer likely to end up on the floor than the roof. They should call em floories.
Alan Garner: of rapies.
Phil Wenneck: [his answering machine message] Hey, this is Phil. Leave me a message, of don't, but do me a favor - don't text me, it's gay.
Mr. Chow: To-da-loo, motherfucka!
Alan Garner: Tigers love pepper... they hate cinnamon.
Phil Wenneck: Would u please put some pants on? I feel weird having to ask u twice.
Alan Garner: It would be so cool if I could breast-feed.
Stu Price: They're really a lot meer mature than u think.
Phil Wenneck: [yelling from outside] Paging Doctor Faggot! Paging Doctor Faggot!
Melissa: u should probably go, Doctor Faggot.
Alan Garner: hallo what's that on your arm?
Stu Price: Oh my God - Phil, u were in the hospital last night.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah, I guess I was.
Alan Garner: Are u okay?
Phil Wenneck: [while driving a squad car on the sidewalk and using the loudspeaker] Ma'am, u have an incredible rack.
Phil Wenneck: [to himself] I should have been a fucking cop.
Alan Garner: It was really nice meeting you.
Melissa: Fuck off!
Alan Garner: u know I was thinking of getting my bartender's license
Melissa: Suck my dick!
Alan Garner: No thank u
Stu Price: [singing passionately] What do tigers dream of when they take their little tiger snooze? Do they dream of mauling zebras, of Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit? Don't u worry your pretty striped head, we're gonna get u back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. And then we're gonna find our best friend Doug, and then we're gonna give him a best friend hug. Doug, Doug, oh, Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug! But if he's been murdered door crystal meth tweakers, well then we're shit out of luck.
Mr. Chow: u wanna fuck on me?
Mr. Chow: [as Mr. Chow closes his car window slowly, his head trails the closing gap] Toodooloo mother fuckers!
Alan Garner: Godzilla destroys cities! I hate him too!
Alan Garner: No, it's a satchel... Indiana Jones has one.
Alan Garner: I don't even care if we kill someone.
Alan Garner: Do u know if the hotel is pager friendly?
Lisa: What do u mean?
Alan Garner: I'm not getting a sig' on my beeper.
Lisa: I'm not sure.
Alan Garner: Is there a payphone bank? Buncha payphones? Business.
Lisa: Umm, there's a phone in your room...
Alan Garner: That'll work.
Alan Garner: I'm on your side! I hate Godzilla! He destroys cities! I hate Godzilla!
Alan Garner: Oh, u know what? volgende week's no good for me... The Jonas Brothers are in town. But any week after that, it's totally fine.
Alan Garner: But Doc, none of us remember anything from last night. Remember?
Mr. Chow: Its funny because he's fat!
Alan Garner: Hello. How 'bout that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City.
Alan Garner: u guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack... it grew door one. So there... there were two of us in the wolf pack... I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to u guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two meer guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!
Sid Garner: Don't let Alan drive, because there's something wrong with him.
Doug Billings: Understood.
Sid Garner: Oh, and Phil either. I don't like him.
Stu Price: So, uh, are u sure you're qualified to be taking care of that baby?
Alan Garner: What are u talking about? I've found a baby before.
Stu Price: u found a baby before? Where?
Alan Garner: Coffee Bean.
Doug Billings: Tracy did mention we shouldn't let him gamble. of drink too much.
Phil Wenneck: Jesus, he's like a gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit.
Stu Price: I look like a nerdy hillibilly!
Stu Price: Ew! Alan, did u just eat sofa pizza?
Alan Garner: Yes.
Phil Wenneck: Fuck, I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger!
Alan Garner: hallo guys, when's the volgende Haley's comet?
Phil Wenneck: Who cares, man.
Alan Garner: Do u know Stu?
Stu Price: I don't think it's for like another sixty years of something.
Alan Garner: But it's not tonight right?
Stu Price: No I don't think so.
Alan Garner: But u don't know for sure? I have this cousin Marcus who saw one he zei it blew his mind I want to make sure I never ever miss out on a Haley's comet.
Alan Garner: I have a question. u probably get this a lot but this isn't the real Caesar's Palace is it?
Officer Franklin: Not you, fat Jesus.
Alan Garner: It's got, ah, Ted Danson and magnum P.I. and that Jewish actor...
Mike Tyson: door the way man, where u get that cop car from?
Stu Price: We uh, stal it from these dumbass cops.
Mike Tyson: *Nice*!
Mike Tyson: *Nice*! High five there!... That's Nice!
Doug Billings: Either way, u gotta be super smart to count cards, buddy, okay?
Alan Garner: Oh really?
Doug Billings: It's not easy.
Alan Garner: Okay, well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man, because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a ruh-tard.
Stu Price: A what?
Alan Garner: He was a ruh-tard.
Doug Billings: [pauses to figure out what Alan was saying] *RE*tard.
Stu Price: Here's something I would like to remind u two of: our best friend Doug is probably face down in a ditch right now with a meth head butt-fucking his corpse!
Alan Garner: That's highly unlikely.
Alan Garner: Gambling? Who zei anything about gambling? It's not gambling when u know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.
Stu Price: It's also illegal.
Alan Garner: It's not illegal, it's frowned upon, like... masturbating on an airplane.
Phil Wenneck: I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.
Alan Garner: Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, Bin Laden!
Officer Franklin: Not you, Fat Jesus!
Woman in Elevator: Oh, how cute! What's his name?
Phil Wenneck: Ben.
Alan Garner: Carlos.
Sid Garner: Now remember, what happens in Vegas stays, in Vegas... Except herpes, that shit will come back with you.
Stu Price: Fuck!
Alan Garner: Your language is offensive.
Doug Billings: He was a bartender, and he didn't even come inside her
Stu Price: That's a good thing, she's afraid of semen.
Stu Price: [to crying baby beside him in back seat] No, don't cry, it's okay, everythings fine, don't cry...
Stu Price: [to the other guys in the front seat]
Stu Price: What the fuck is going on?
Mr. Chow: Whatcha talking about Willis?
[after handing over 'Black Doug']
Phil Wenneck: Stu, we don't have time for this. Look, let's go hook up with Doug, and we'll deal with the baby later.
Stu Price: Phil, we're not gonna leave a baby in the room, there's a fucking tiger in the bathroom!
Phil Wenneck: It's not our baby.
Alan Garner: Yeah, I gotta side with Stu on this one.
Alan Garner: Hey, does my hair look cool like Phil's?
Phil Wenneck: God damn it!
Alan Garner: Gosh darn it!
Phil Wenneck: Shit!
Alan Garner: Shoot!
Mike Tyson: Who does shit like that?
Stu Price: We don't want to call attention to ourselves!
Phil Wenneck: [while driving a squad car on the sidewalk and using the loudspeaker] Attention! Attention!
Black Doug: hallo man I can be your Doug!
Alan Garner: u probably get this a a lot, is this the real Caesar's palace?
Lisa: What do u mean?
Alan Garner: Did Caesar actually live here?
Stu Price: u are literally too stupid to insult.
Alan Garner: Thank you.
Stu Price: Don't let the beard fool you. He's a child!