Muggle auteur Talks about Headmasters Snape and Dumbledore 

The Parseltongue News
Vindictive Edition

Vanity plays lurid tricks with our memory. ~Joseph Conrad


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Muggle Author Talks about Headmasters Snape and Dumbledore

Los Angeles, California

A Muggle woman professing to be a noted author of a series of Muggle books about the Wizarding World has made some curious statements about the late Professors Snape and Dumbledore of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Her remarks came as she was speaking to a group of Muggle Schoolchildren:


Quote:
A wide grin across her face, Rowling said she delighted in the fact that, even after "Deathly Hallows," there was still some speculation as to the true leanings of the erstwhile Potions Master.

"Snape is vindictive, he's cruel. He's not a big man," she insisted. "But he loves. I like him, but I'd also like to slap him hard."

Earlier, Rowling said she was particularly pleased with how Snape's story played out throughout the course of the series, contrasting his character arc with that of Dumbledore.

"Although [Dumbledore] seems to be so benign for six books, he's quite a Machiavellian figure, really. He's been pulling a lot of strings. Harry has been his puppet," she explained. "When Snape says to Dumbledore [toward the end of 'Hallows'], 'We've been protecting [Harry] so he could die at the right moment' — I don't think in book one you would have ever envisioned a moment where your sympathy would be with Snape rather than Dumbledore."



We must carefully take her statements with a grain of salt, since there is no way possible that Ms. Rowling could ever have attended Hogwarts and actually "known" these great men of whom she speaks.

She also seems unfamiliar with many aspects of their life stories, such as the torment Snape suffered as a child at the hands of Harry Potter's jealous, vindictive, Pureblood father, or the fact that Professor Dumbledore made sure that Harry Potter had as normal a childhood as possible, and liked to share candy drops with him. Harry Potter recalled eating Christmas dinner with both men, during which neither of them planned his Machiavellian death, nor treated him as a sock puppet. In fact, despite rumors to the contrary, Harry Potter was often allowed to play games and hang out with friends like a regular human being, and even looked forward to his return to Hogwarts each autumn.

Our readers may recall that the great Harry Potter himself wrote about both of these men, whom he called "heroes" and "surrogate fathers" in his autobiography "Memento Mori My Mentors."

"Dumbledore was a cool guy, and I learned alot from him about how to seem more childlike and innocent than I really am," Mr. Potter wrote. "Knowing how to play the fool is a great trait for an Auror to have, as my friend Ron can tell you, and he and I have used Dumbledore's techniques to play good cop/bad cop with suspects."

"Snape taught me useful stuff, too, such as "Expelliarmus," and how to use Veritaserum. I'm even a pretty good Legillimens now - old Snape wouldn't believe it, but alot of times I mentally thank him for teaching me how to interrogate people and getting the truth out of them. I use those tricks with my kids, too."

"Professor Dumbledore was like my Grandpa, while Snape was more like a step-father. Some people thought he kicked me around and warped my mind or something, but that was because I still had Voldemort stuck to my skull. I was a brat - I admit that - and Snape just wanted to protect me."

"Snape never whipped or beat me. He also never put me in chains or starved me, and though he had a wicked wit, he always told me the truth, but I was too blind to see it. He was only cruel in the amount of homework he gave us, which interfered with my goofing around. I hated him all the time I knew him, because I was a stupid kid, and as soon as he died I realized I should have tried to save him or something, if I could have remembered the right spell. But all's well that ends well, and he's probably happier in heaven with my mother right now anyway."

Potter's book includes the shocking passage in which he admits that if his biological father, James, was alive today, he would slap him hard for being an arrogant Berk.

Another revelation is that his Godfather, Sirius Black, often needed a flea bath and liked to carry off his bedroom slippers to chew on them at night. "That is why Sirius never married," said Mr. Potter. "His enjoyment of gnawing on chicken bones in bed and his persistant rat-breath interfered with his love life." This first-hand account of the life of Mr. Black is different from J. K. Rowling's comments that he was "sexy," but once again, it is not likely that she ever knew the man very well to begin with.

Ms. Rowling appears to have not an ounce of magic in her, though she has reportedly made a magical amount of currency by peddling of her written works, on display in Muggle stores everywhere. Harry Potter is very tolerant of her interpretation of his life story. "She loves me as a character, so in my eyes, she is redeemed by that," Harry Potter said, "And yet sometimes her wit can be cruel and vindictive."

It is amazing that Ms. Rowling ever became a writer, coming from lowly Muggle roots as she did, with merely a Muggle education behind her. Luckily, she is blessed with good looks and a nice coiffure. She also betrays a strange penchant for Slytherin snake accessories, which may be a key to her "inner" nature, since she speaks in violent terms of wishing to thrash Professor Snape and "slap him hard." Of course, Professor Snape never had the advantages of beauty that Ms. Rowling has, and it is a well-known fact in the Muggle World that if someone has the misfortune to have certain hair qualities or a a deformity such as a large nose, they may never rise above a certain station in life. Therfore, her aggression is understandable, in light of these backward Muggle ideas.

Indeed, even in the Wizarding World, there are those who have poured their hearts into books, only to have them burn up in a fiend fire, and deservedly so, since who wants to see an ugly author on tour?

We all remember dear Gilderoy Lockhart, who was the height of handsomeness, and people flocked to him as moths to a flame. Ms. Rowling has much the same sort of popularity, a Gryffindorian trait she highly values, along with courage, bravery, beauty, and a yen for Quidditch bordering on the obsessive.

Like Lockhart, Rowling is often so busy touring, signing autographs, and spending her fortune that she does not seem to take time to go back and read her series as a whole. Yet her fans forgive the contradictions about timelines, misunderstanding fan reactions to certain characters, and changing of facts from one book to another (the most famous being how the death of a Secret Keeper affects the spell).

Of course, poor Mr. Lockhart now has no memory at all of his books, having been accidentally obliviated in the Chamber of Secrets. Ms. Rowling does not have such an excuse.

Whatever the case, one thing is sure - Ms. Rowling's portrait will never hang next to either Dumbledore's or Snape's in the august circles of the Hogwarts Headmasters.

The Parseltongue News believes in giving the big picture, so we also sent a reporter to Hogwarts to get statements from the two men in question, through their portraits.

Dumbledore was asked if he agreed with the "Machiavellian" description given off-the-cuff by Ms. Rowling.

"Probably," he answered, "And yet, what choice did I have? Harry had that alien matter stuck in his forehead, and I was the only one who knew about it. What was a mastermind to do? If Professor Snape had felt the boy's fate was hopeless, he would have quit spying and possibly committed hari kiri on himself with the Sword of Gryffindor. As it was, I was able to keep an eye on both Severus and Harry, and it all worked out in the end, at least until the Snake attacked Severus and killed him. Oh, and the wand thingy did not work out as I had hoped, but oh well, do you want a lemon sherbet? . . . Where was I . . . Oh yes . . ."

"In the end, you should know that during Harry Potter's near death experience, he forgave me everything, and we sat there in Limbo having a quiet moment before he came back to send Voldemort to his own demise. At the end of the Battle of Hogwarts, Harry also said some very nice things about me, as well as Professor Snape, as he struck the final blow that killed Voldemort. I was very proud."

"Have you seen his son, Albus Severus Potter? A fine lad, and quite an honor for myself and for Professor Snape for Harry to show such sentiment in keeping our names in his family."

Professor Snape, who snorted sarcastically several times during Dumbledore's explanation, said he only wanted to issue a short statement.

"Please tell Ms. Rowling that I enjoy dominating all her interviews, which I'm sure will be the case for years to come, and as far as being a 'big man', I assure you I am big enough."

"... and as far as being a 'big man', I assure you I am big enough."
I've got no doubt on that ! Err... if he's thinking about what I'm thinking. (naughty stuff ? LOL)

Brilliantly written piece, snarky and so true at the same time, especially about Dumbledore's Machiavellian side. I've always thought he was the Slytherin and Severus the Gryffindor...

Thanks for sharing that gem !