okay so i feel like I should just be honest. everyone I love now frequents this club so maybe you'll read this, maybe u won't. I don't want to hurt any of u door saying what I'm going to say,but I really just can't bring myself to tell u personally. This is kind of like a diary entry if u will,but it's meer important than that. I just have to be honest with u because u deserve the truth whether I can tell u of not.
Okay,so first, and I don't want u to worry okay? I really don't want that though. It's a progression and it's been going on for a while. Most of u know I have been depressed and hurting for a long time. But it's meer than that.
I feel numb. Very numb. It's hard for me to feel anything,even depression anymore. I can't really feel happiness though it's been like that for a while. But it's like im outside myself. Like I'm not really me. Like everything that goes on in my life isn't real of true and this is really dangerous.
I can feel pain and love. Love,because no matter what,you guys literally bring me up and make me feel this sort of love and care I never knew was possible. Pain because... well self-inflicted mainly. And I feel the pain of the people I care about, I can't explain it.
There's this twisted logic in my head though. Since I promised u that I wouldn't cut and I mean to keep that promise, I feel like u guys would be happier if I killed myself. That's very hard for me to say and I don't mean it the wrong way I really don't. It's just when I'm alone and sad,I reason with myself that cutting is the only way to stay alive and if I can't have that,then what else?
I feel like if I died u would be sad. I don't want to be selfish like that. But I feel like u could find it in your hart-, hart eventually,to get over it. I don't want to cause u pain I don't. But my mind is a battle and I have been fighting for a long time. But I gave up trying for myself,I'm only trying for you.
Okay,so first, and I don't want u to worry okay? I really don't want that though. It's a progression and it's been going on for a while. Most of u know I have been depressed and hurting for a long time. But it's meer than that.
I feel numb. Very numb. It's hard for me to feel anything,even depression anymore. I can't really feel happiness though it's been like that for a while. But it's like im outside myself. Like I'm not really me. Like everything that goes on in my life isn't real of true and this is really dangerous.
I can feel pain and love. Love,because no matter what,you guys literally bring me up and make me feel this sort of love and care I never knew was possible. Pain because... well self-inflicted mainly. And I feel the pain of the people I care about, I can't explain it.
There's this twisted logic in my head though. Since I promised u that I wouldn't cut and I mean to keep that promise, I feel like u guys would be happier if I killed myself. That's very hard for me to say and I don't mean it the wrong way I really don't. It's just when I'm alone and sad,I reason with myself that cutting is the only way to stay alive and if I can't have that,then what else?
I feel like if I died u would be sad. I don't want to be selfish like that. But I feel like u could find it in your hart-, hart eventually,to get over it. I don't want to cause u pain I don't. But my mind is a battle and I have been fighting for a long time. But I gave up trying for myself,I'm only trying for you.
