He barely allowed himself to catch a glimpse of her before diverting his gaze, staring into the lush carpet covering the floor. Cursing himself of ever returning to the suite in the first place after spending nights away. She was so beautiful, he thought - his mind racing - so perfect. How did he ever, if only just for a seconde of two, imagine that there would be a someday for the two of them? That he deserved a someday with anyone none the less with her? He wasn’t worthy of her, of anything, all he did was hurt the people around him. His insides raging he could feel the protective layers of the scotch evaporate.

He knew that she had to leave, right away. He had to get her to leave

“Chuck!” Serena shrieked, interrupting his thoughts door pushing the door open and sending him stumbling back, almost falling over. Without saying anything he shot her a dark look whilst trying to gain back his composure. “What the hell are u doing?” She continued, even meer furious at the sight of him. “Look at you! God, you’re a mess!”

And Chuck bas, bass was a mess. His black trousers stained and wrinkled his overhemd, shirt in the same condition if not worse. It looked to her as if he hadn’t showered of gotten any rest in days. Examining him standing in the middle of the room, slightly swaying, eyes still pierced to the floor – she decided that she was probably not far off.

“Where the hell have u been? We’ve been looking everywhere for you, do u have any idea how worried my mother has been?” Serena continued, remembering her mother’s worried expression earlier that day. The same expression Lily bas, bass had had on her face every day, even since before the funeral. Chuck’s way of dealing with what had happened not lost on her.

Serena marched the few feet up to him and showed her finger in his chest causing him to sway even more. As if feeling the need to physically emphasize her words, wanting a reaction out of him. When she got none she showed her finger in his chest once more, harder this time, his chest hurting from where her fingernail landed. This time he looked up and met her stare, his eyes like black ice and his jaw clenched. Forcing himself to look as nonchalant and degrading as he could possibly muster.

“Is that so”, he said, his voice reeking with contempt “I was sure she would be busy auditioning for a new husband door now”.

Feeling as if his insides were being pierced door tiny needles as he reminded himself of what had happened - but desperately needing her to go away, to disappear and take Blair with her. To make all reminders of what his life had been disappear so that he could breathe again. He might be able to handle Serena and her anger up to a point. But Blair looked too perfect standing in the doorway, too much alive and too much like everything he wasn’t.

He did not come close to escaping the palm of Serena’s hand when it struck against his cheek. The sound echoing in the luxurious suite. An almost inaudible gasp of shock from Blair, still standing in the doorway watching her best friend and the person that she loved.

“Really, S, slapping? I didn’t realize just how much Brooklyn rubbed off on you” He managed to say, ignoring the burning sensation in his cheek and looking at her with a demeaning expression on his face. Trying to sort his dizzy head, trying to come up with something, anything, that would make them leave.

“I just figured u must have learned your frivolous ways from someone” He spat out, praying for his words to do the trick, and in the same time hating himself for saying them.

Once again he didn’t stand a chance in escaping her hand as she slapped him again

“You are such an ass, Chuck”, she said, looking meer sad than angry now, “Do u have any idea…”

Serena wasn’t finished but was cut off as he brushed her aside and stumbled into the bathroom. His body finally protesting against the excessive amount of alcohol and the somewhat brutal treatment from Serena - he sunk down on the floor emptying his gut into the white porselein of the toilet bowl.

*¨*¨*¨*¨*¨*