-Leave Out all the Rest door Linkin Park
- When Your Mind's Made Up door Glen Hansard (available at projectplaylist.com)
- Come Undone door Jackson Waters (myspace.com/jacksonwaters)
The Wait
minuten before dawn Kyle awoke; traces of Jessi fresh in his mind. He drifted down to the keuken-, keuken for some water. It quenched his thirst, but he was far from satisfied. He sighed in response to the dull pain radiating through his chest. The black void rendered him near lifelessness. Then a sudden faint thumping interrupted his thoughts. It was a heartbeat. An accelerated heartbeat.
"Jessi?" Kyle called absently.
He slowly wandered to her room and felt the pounding thicken in ambience. He cautiously etched her door open to find her restless in sleep.
"Jessi." He whispered faintly hesitantly approaching the sleeping beauty. What's wrong? He thought as he sat beside her and pulled her hair back behind her ear. He knew she now belonged to someone else, but his hart-, hart paid no attention to the technicality.
Jessi stood at a crossroads. On the one side there was Xander - and on the other there stood Kyle.
Jessi moaned in her sleep as her limbs tangled with the sheets. "Kyle." A broken grimace covered her face.
Kyle froze wide eyed, worried that Jessi was awakening. But when he saw that her eyes remained closed he began to reach for her face, tempted to see what she's dreaming about. He then regained control of himself, leaned in, lightly kissed her forehead, and shot her one last glance from her door before he retreated back to his room. It took meer strength to walk away than he anticipated.
***************************************
Morning broke too soon. Jessi's eyes burned as she awoke breaking from the confines of her sheets. She winced as she gripped her sore neck. She hadn't slept well. She rushed to the bathroom to examine the damage.
Damnit.
She knew Xander would soon arrive to pick her up and she had no intention of looking like the walking dead. She leaned into the sink and began the repair: the cold water shrank the protruding blood vessels in her eyes and she already began to feel a little meer awake. But her hart-, hart would not stop speeding. That dream she thought as she absently retrieved her toothbrush. I must be losing my mind.
"Hi." Kyle uttered entering the bathroom. It hurt to much to look at her so he went about his business and grabbed his toothbrush with a guarded melancholy.
Gasps "Oh. Hi." Jessi froze, staring at her soulmate. He met her eyes briefly before he began to remove the night's merciless stench from his teeth.
He doesn't love u - brush your bloody teeth Jessi thought.
So they stood side door side facing their brutal reflections, cleaning their teeth in silence. And one door one, they went their separate ways to prepare for school.
**************************************
Jessi sat with her head hung low playing with her eggs as the Tragers conversed during breakfast. Kyle mirrored Jessi's silence as he repeatedly, hopelessly glanced her way.
"You two are awfully quiet this morning." Nicole inquired with a thoughtful smile.
"I um...didn't get a lot of sleep last night." Jessi muttered as she caught Kyle's gaze then returned to her sparring session with her eggs.
Kyle's eyes remained on a secluded Jessi as Nicole pressed further. "I'm sorry to hear that. Are u feeling ok?"
"I'm fine." Jessi lied as she threw Nicole a broken smile. Then a car horn - oxygen at last. Jessi stumbled out of her zitplaats, stoel with a prominent sigh of relief. "My ride's here, I'd better go." She announced with a near smile.
Kyle stared after Jessi as she ungracefully dropped her dishes into the sink, slipped on her jas and backpack on, and paced out of the house in an obvious hurry. Left behind, Kyle then sunk his head to his plate with a quiet sigh as the door shut - Bye Jessi.
"Kyle, is there something wrong? u and Jessi seem-"
"I'd better get going too." Kyle cut in as he rose to escape as well. He wasn't nearly ready to talk about Jessi.
"Kyle." Nicole persisted as Kyle began to gather his belongings.
"You don't want a ride?" Josh inquired.
"Thanks, but, I think I think I'd rather go for a run." Kyle insisted with a sure nod. He then turned to Nicole. "You have nothing to worry about. I'm ok." He nodded, then preceded to his escape - the front door.
********************************
"Morning gorgeous." Xander welcomed Jessi with a large smile as she entered the familiar black jeep.
"Hi." Jessi huffed. Her eyes were aimed at her lap.
Xander's smile shrank. "You ok?"
"Yeah I'm fine." Jessi insisted with a forced smile. She reflexed a kiss on his cheek to reassure the man she loved. "Let's go." She uttered with a forced cracked cheery pitch as she formed another effort driven smile - broken this time. She glanced out the window to cover the evidence and found Kyle staring from the Tragers' front porch. She quickly broke her gaze back to her lap in fear of being exposed.
Xander grinned and retreated from pushing further as he leaned on the accelerator, and began his ritual trip to school with the woman who possessed his heart.
Kyle stared after Xander and Jessi until they were out of site. He then began his run.
********************************
Jessi's first classes dragged on as her mind wondered to Kyle. His broken grimace broke her. Though she no longer trusted him with her heart, it still made her ache to see him so sad. Her eyes drifted out the classroom window aimlessly as her teacher's voice became meer and meer muffled. Then that fateful conversation replayed in her mind. What if Kyle did mean it this-... Should I have let him explain...? Ugh! Idiot. He loves Amanda. It's always been Amanda and it always will be. Jessi snapped self deprecatingly. Always she repeated within with a melancholic grimace.
Xander, sitting at a bureau directly beside Jessi, glanced her way and blinked into a frown knowing something had been wrong all morning.
*********************************
Lunch time finally arrived and Jander sat in the Quad under a boom to shade the beaming sunlight. For the first time, they sat in silence.
Jessi knew Xander deserved better than her mute absent status. She loved him and knew how much he loved her. Finally she mustered up the courage to speak. "Um, Kyle and Amanda broke up - again, heh." She announced. She wanted to be open with Xander.
"Oh yeah?" Xander tried to mask his relief of the broken silence with his genuine concern. "I noticed that things weren't going well for those two. I hope they ended on good terms at least."
"They'll get back together." Jessi insisted with a kinked brow and focused eyes.
"Really...?" Xander retorted with sarcastic cynicism. "What makes u so sure?" He grinned slightly with squinted slightly teasing eyes.
"I...just know. I know Kyle." Jessi's voice shrunk in despairing certainty. "He loves her." She insisted.
"Well u don't seem too happy about that." Xander inquired.
Jessi shrugged her shoulders as she stared at her food with a sad grimace. She didn't have the hart-, hart to lie to him.
Xander rolled his torso back devastated that he was right. "Do u like him of something?" Xander blurted out softly making a great effort to conceal his sudden gust of insecurity.
Jessi met his eyes with a guilt stricken face. She'd dreaded this conversation for months, but now loved him enough to be honest with him about Kyle.
She finally sighed and began: "I care about Kyle. I always will. Yes there was a time when I..." She sighed at the pain she felt as she had to relive her heartbreak "...I wanted to be with him," She met Xander's eyes to inspect his reaction "but I'm happy with you." She forced a convincing toothy breath filled half smile. "I want to be with you." She iterated with convincing certainty.
Xander huffed out a large sigh as his brows floated up, and his eyes met the grass. "So...you loved him." He stated.
Jessi couldn't lie. "Yes." She muttered in a broken voice. She felt the crack return and suddenly, desperately felt the need to escape.
Xander shook his head as he gazed at the sky with a melancholic smile. "This is great." He jested in repressed graceful anger.
Jessi knew she needed to fix what she'd done. "Xander. Do u trust me?" Jessi leaned into Xander reasoning with her wide desperate eyes.
Xander looked into Jessi's eyes, truly unsure. "Jessi." Xander scrambled to find the words. "I don't want to be your fallback guy." He didn't want to lose her, but the thought of being anyone's seconde choice sickened him.
Jessi then knew she had to tell Xander something she hoped would never have to surface. She propped up on her knees and etched her way close enough so that her limbs were touching Xander's when she rested on her legs. She cupped his face into her hands and focused her eyes into his sunken gaze. "Xander, last night, after u left, Kyle told me he wanted to be with me."
Jessi began.
Xander locked eyes with Jessi in reaction to her revelation. His lips tightened and his eyes were painted in devastation.
"But I zei no. I want to be with you." She proclaimed in confidence with her hands ever sure on his face.
Xander gazed at Jessi in uncertainty. seconden passed, then finally words exited Xander's mind. "I knew there was something between u two." His voice was calm, but Jessi saw the anger and the feeling of betrayal in his eyes.
Jessi sighed at her failed attempt and her eyes met the ground as her hands slid down from his face. "Xander." Jessi pleaded softly.
"He loves u doesn't he?" His tone worsened.
Jessi's head snapped up as she locked her painfilled eyes with Xander's.
"That explains everything. His standoffish behavior, his possessive attitude, everything. I see how nice he is to everyone else...." He huffed out an angry open smile. "He wants you. He's always wanted u - it just took ME going out with u to make him realize it." Xander snapped for the first time.
Jessi began to break. "I...I don't know how he feels about me. I just know that I don't want to lose you." Jessi pleaded. She swam in his eyes desperately awaiting a response.
Xander's angry grimace quickly broke as he closed his eyes in slight shame. "Jessi." He peeled his eyes open and sighed away the anger. "I'm sorry."
Jessi looked down as her lips began to quiver.
Xander leaned in, cupped her face, and stared at her as he pressed his reconciling lips against hers. Her eyes closed as she danced two soft kisses with him - the first longer than the second. "I love you." His squinted eyes beamed at Jessi as he reassured her apologetically.
Jessi's eyes opened and she scoped her new love with desperate fear.
"I just don't think u love me." Xander added softly as he grazed her cheek with the tips of his fingers.
Jessi's mouth opened, but only breath would exit, for she had no words. They stared at one another earnestly - one moment after the other they remained still facing one another. Xander's hand wouldn't leave her face. Despite the fact that he no longer knew the fate of their relationship, he longed to be her comfort - always.
****************************************
"Yo! Kyle. Are u listening?!?" Declan barked. Kyle had also been in the Quad, having lunch with Declan. But his focus was aimed under a tree. He was no longer angry. He purposely sat at a reasonable angle for a decent view. He chose to suffer through seeing her with Xander if it meant seeing her at all. His desperation outweighed his embarrassing self deprecating shame.
"Sorry, what?" Kyle muttered absently as his gaze never left his target.
Declan focused on Kyle's eyes and followed his gaze to the tree. "Oh boy." Declan muttered rolling his eyes. "Kyle! Snap out of it!"
Kyle finally broke out of his trance with a surprised grimace and found Declan's eyes.
"Can I be honest with you?" Declan cautioned.
Kyle nodded hesitantly.
"I don't think you're being very fair." Declan sighed. "I mean, I haven't seen Jessi this happy - ever. They love each other Kyle."
Kyle leaned backward and sighed as his head drifted down to their table.
"And I know you're hurting from your breakup with Amanda - again, but u should leave Jessi out of it. Re-" Declan hesitated for a spleet, split seconde as he felt bad about railing on Kyle who already appeared to be broken, but he felt it had to be done. His tone sharpened. "REbounding is not the wisest thing. Not to mention it's not fair to u or Jessi." Declan concluded boldly.
Kyle paused with his head down, then locked eyes with Declan, keeping his mouth closed as he sighed before looking away when he finally found words. "You don't know what you're talking about Declan." Kyle muttered as he gazed absently aside.
Declan kinked his head back in disbelief. "No?" He retorted sarcastically. He thought Kyle to be defensive and stubborn in that moment.
"No u don't." Kyle confirmed. He impatiently locked eyes with Declan in all certainty of his claim.
They paused. Declan stared at Kyle as he returned his gaze to the table.
"Look, I gotta get to class." Declan rose from his seat. "We still on for the Rack tonight?" He hoped their disagreement wouldn't put a bitter taste on their friendship.
"Sure. We'll talk meer then." Kyle zei defensively, but reassuringly.
"Great." Declan zei in a wincing sarcastic voice coupled with a likewise smile. He turned slowly and walked toward class while Kyle remained behind. He had a spare period, and a class right after to end the day, but he decided to go home pagina and rest his worries away - after Jander were out of sight.
**************************************************
"You should get to class." Jessi concluded. She broke at the uncertainty that loomed over her relationship with Xander.
"Yeah." Xander agreed but also wanted to sort things out. Yet a part of him clutched at the opportunity to break away from the conversation so he could have time to think. He stood and reached his hand down for Jessi. She clutched his hand and stood toe to toe with him.
They paused and stared at one another for a moment.
Then Xander began grinning... "Come out with me tonight...!" Xander offered. He missed her already.
Jessi smiled. Some of the old Xander was creeping back. "Ok." She responded simply, and surely in sheer captivation. What is he up to?
Xander kissed her forehead. Jessi's eyes closed at the gesture. He smiled at her, walked backwards to catch a final glimpse of her before facing the rigors of study, then finally turned around and headed for class. Jessi, like Kyle, had a spare period. She decided to make her way home pagina as well - she hoped the run would clear her head.
Where is she going? Kyle thought.
He followed her from a distance and realized they were both heading home. He felt silly for stalking her from behind, but feared another horrific confrontation.
Jessi huffed slightly out of breath when she finally reached the Trager household. She shut the door behind her, kicked off her shoes, dropped her bag lazily near the door, and dragged her exhausted dreary soul to her room. She collapsed onto her bed self piteously and quickly slipped into sleep.
Once Kyle heard Jessi thump into bed, he made his way out of the bushes down the road, and crept into the house. He'd learned how to avoid the certain creaks in the floors and how to shut certain doors in an effectively quiet manner from years of watching Josh and Lori sneak in and out of the house. For once he was grateful for their conniving histories. He found himself weighed down door exhaustion so he snuck into his room and crept into his tub. He was grateful for how quickly he fell asleep. His hart-, hart sped as he drifted deeper into rapid eye movement.
Then a crash burned into his mind.
He suddenly saw flashes of red. One bounding crash after the other, only a few seconden apart, separated door darkness. The red became clearer with each bound. Finally, it took shape. He then knew what was arising out of the blur. It was Jessi. She was walking down towards him in the red dress he came to remember always. Her rock pendant glowed brighter as she neared him with each flash. Her smile was infectious. "Kyle." She echoed.
Kyle gasped in his tub with protruded pores, still lost in the dream. Then blackness overpowered his sight - she was gone. Kyle's hart-, hart rate climbed once again. He moaned at his loss.
Then another flash - Kyle was holding Jessi's face with his electric hands; flash, "Just try to be gentle" he heard her voice echoing, flash. An energy surged through them both as their lips united. Kyle began to rise out of his tub unconsciously. His body gravitated out of his room and down the hallway. Crash - "promise me, you'll help me find out." "I promise." With a caress of her face; crash, the embrace - rocks aglow, crash - enveloped embrace in an ice filled tub. Kyle moaned jaggedly as his body continued its way across the house and shut a door behind him. Lights flickered around the house in response to Kyle's soul emissions. Boom, kiss door the laptop, flash, hands on chest, boom, she folded his kraag down, crash, she smirked with loving eyes as he caressed her hair longing to kiss her, wave, the lamp blowing kiss, wave, they rested pendant rocks aglow, in Jessi's bed, with their souls tied tight. Kyle then suddenly woke, breathless - sleeping on a familiar surface.
Oh no.
Jessi was asleep beside him. He knew he shouldn't have been there, but there he was, close to the person whom he'd been longing for months. His hand found its way to her hair and slightly pushed it back. He winced as he did so, for he knew he could risk waking her - but he knew it was worth it. It felt like he hadn't touched her in ages. The dose of her was invigorating; terrifying; painful - it was everything to him. He fell back asleep and soaked in the time he'd have left with her before reality came crashing back.
Jessi's eyes peeled open minuten later. She knew she could sense him.
I don't believe it. What are u doing here???
She knew she should have told him to leave. She knew she should have been furious that he was in her bed at all, but she watched him sleep instead. She couldn't deny that she missed him terribly. She felt a small smirk pull on her cheeks. She reached for his face, but stopped inches away. She dared not kruis the line. She'd but enjoy the bizarre turn of events, until reality came crashing back. Her weight of her lids overcame her and she succumbed back into unconsciousness.
90 minuten passed. Jessi opened her eyes and found Kyle lying volgende to her with his eyes locked into hers. He knew he could have stal away earlier, but he couldn't bring himself to move. His hart-, hart weighed him down.
"Kyle." Jessi slowly sat up.
"I'm sorry." He meant it - but didn't regret what he had done. He was prepared to take whatever blow she was about to deliver.
"Don't be." She confessed, exposing herself with a shy grimace.
Kyle sat up confused, and guarded. He had no idea what awaited him next. But she zei nothing. She just beamed into his eyes.
So he gazed back, but saw no anger in her eyes. "You're not mad at me." He stated with a hopeful faint smirk.
She shook her head. "No."
Kyle sighed, and took a risk born of the sliver of hope she planted. "Jessi-"
"Kyle, don't." She cut in, for she knew where the conversation would lead.
"But-" he persisted with fleeting hope, but she cut in yet again.
"Look, I'm not mad. It's my fault for letting u stay. It was selfish of me." She sighed and looked down. "I've missed you." She couldn't help but tell him.
"Jessi-" Kyle's grimace broke in concurrence.
"But I...can't do this." Jessi added as she made her way off the bed. Then a familiar horn. Jessi gasped. "Xander!" Her eyes sped side to side. "I gotta go." She zei guiltily as she scrambled to get ready.
"Yeah, I'd better get to the Rack." Kyle remembered in disappointment.
Jessi stopped and turned to Kyle. "The Rack. To meet Amanda?" Jessi kinked her brow in a sliver of jealousy.
Kyle was thrown off guard. "What? No. I'm meeting Declan."
Jessi immediately realized how unfair she was being. Then she huffed an embarrassed smile. "I'm sorry. u didn't have to answer that. It's none of my business." She then turned back around to put on some earrings, utterly humiliated door her behavior.
"No, it's ok." He insisted. He jumped at any opportunity to make sure Jessi knew he was serious when he'd cut his ties with Amanda.
"No it's not. I told u to focus on your life, and I'd focus on mine." Jessi stated in a rehearsed fashion as she spotted his reflection in her mirror.
Kyle winced at the cold notion. "It's really ok, Jessi." He muttered, hurt. He stared at her, broken into the reality he dreaded - he had to let her go.
"I should go. I'll see u later." He got up off her bed and walked out facing the floor.
Jessi knew he was hurt as she stared after him, regretting her harsh words. But there was no time, 5 minuten had already passed. She'd done enough damage at lunch and she didn't want to add fuel to the brand door making Xander wait. She changed her top, rubbed on some deodorant, quickly brushed her teeth and ran down to meet her man in the Jeep.
******************************************
Kyle had decided to walk to the Rack. As he made his way down the sidewalk, Xander's Jeep quickly caught up and zoomed past him - he was once again left behind as he helplessly watched them steal away together. He sighed and kept his pace. One foot after the other he brooded.
******************************************
Xander folded his fingers into Jessi's, lifted her hand to his face, and laid on a prolonged kiss with his eyes ever fixed on the road.
Jessi shot him a faint smile. As they continued to travel in silence.
She took in a deep breath and attempted a happy tone: "So where are we going?"
"You'll see." He grinned mischievously.
"Xander." Jessi grinned with a frown bearing straining curiosity. She loved his spontaneity. It was bittersweet. bitter for the lack of control she had, and sweet for the thrill of the surprise.
They reached a river that glittered under the moonlight, wrapped in a scenic path.
Xander exited the car as Jessi was removing her seatbelt. He opened her door and reached out his hand. "Care to go for a walk with me?" He smiled formally.
Jessi beamed. "Xander, this place is amazing...!"
They made it half way around the river and talked like they used to. With wit, charm, and beauty.
Suddenly Jessi's mind trailed back to Kyle - asleep beside her. Her grimace fell in response to the thought. Sadness crept its way into her quickly, and mercilessly.
"Hey beautiful, what's going on in that amazing mind of yours?" He inquired with a patient grin.
"Sorry. I'm just - I have a lot on my mind." She failed to be cryptic.
"By a lot, u mean Kyle." He read her in an understanding tone, but failed to mask the hint of impatience in his voice.
Jessi's head sunk as she prepared to confess. "Xander...you need to know." Jessi's voice cracked and her eyes welled. "I do...Love You." She meant it completely. Yet her lips quivered because she knew she'd only been able to give Xander half of her heart. The other half was undecided.
Xander grinned. "But u love him more."
Jessi stopped walking. As did Xander.
"I don't know." She moaned in utter confusion. She was embarrassed about the dilemma, for her boyfriend was the last person she should have been discussing it with. She was angry at herself for putting him through her roller coaster emotions, and sad that she did not know which path to walk. Still, she knew Xander. She knew how understanding he was. She knew he had been her best friend in the recent months. As promised, he was there for her - Always.
Xander turned to face her, placed his hands on her shoulders and found her flooded eyes. "Jessi, it's ok." He smiled.
Jessi opened her tear filled eyes to find his. "How is this OK?" She asked impatiently. She was annoyed with him for letting her off so easily.
"Jessi I love you...I Love You. And I want to see u happy. Whatever happens, I'm so grateful to have had you." His grin grew as he took in his time with her in the past months.
"Xander." She moaned bewildered door his grace.
He laughed. "Now I'd be lying if I told u I wanted u to choose the douche bag, but I'll love u no matter what choice u make. I'll be waiting Jessi. For as long as u want." He promised with a solid grin.
Jessi shook her head with sunken eyes. "I don't deserve you." She blurted.
Xander huffed out a smile as he shook his head in disagreement. "I'm not as selfless as u think. I need u to know, that you'd never have to worry about getting your hart-, hart broken with me - u give it to me, and I'll guard it with my l-" Jessi covered his mouth with her fingers as she stood overwhelmed. She stared in awe at the man she loved as the tears streamed, and jumped into a long embrace.
**********************************************
"Hey." Declan sighed.
"Sorry I'm late." Kyle muttered apologetically as he sat at their table.
"No worries. I've had a great view of a few prospects - 2 O'clock." Declan nudged his head jokingly toward two cheerleaders in the corner of the store.
Kyle sighed as he sunk his head. Declan cleared his throat awkwardly. He knew Kyle needed to talk - it was no time for jokes. So Declan listened - to everything....
It took Kyle nearly an uur to get all of the words out. And finally, he'd concluded. "I ruined everything. I waited too long and now I'm too late..." All Kyle's hope had withered away in that moment. He had but two words to address his relationship with Jessi: "It's over." He muttered as he lowered his head. Then a pause.
Though he didn't feel better, he felt relief and a modicum of comfort that he'd finally been able to talk to someone about Jessi.
Declan was at first stunned to learn about Kyle's feelings, but found the words to help his friend. "Do u love her? Like, u loved Amanda?"
Kyle's eyes glanced at Declan's. "To be honest, this is a whole other level that I can't quite explain yet, but...yes, I do." He shot his gaze to their tafel, tabel in slight embarrassment of his revelation. "A lot." Kyle surprised himself with the admission.
He sighed, "It's a little overwhelming," Kyle muttered in a broken voice. His mind began to wander back to the beginning: Kyle began to realize he'd always loved Jessi - before their eyes met on that fateful day, they sensed eachother and it was as if two magnetic halves were trying to find their way to each other. "I think...I've always loved her on some level." Kyle realized, feeling even meer foolish for not realizing it sooner.
"Until Amanda and I broke up I never really had to vraag my feelings for Jessi. Now it's hard to remember a time when I didn't...love her." It was still hard and embarrassing for Kyle to say it aloud. Declan sat, without words, wide eyed in bewilderment.
As always Kyle felt comforted door his loyal friend. "You're the first person I've ever really told. I've never even zei it out loud until now." He huffed out a broken smile in his embarrassing melancholy.
"Man, Kyle. Hehem, well, the hart-, hart wants what it wants." Declan sighed out a small smile, "To be honest, I've always wondered about u two. There was always something about u and Jessi."
Declan offered Kyle a brotherly heavy pat on the shoulder. "So I can't say I'm too surprised." Declan smiled as a consolation to his broken friend who still appeared lost.
"So what do I do?" He asked hopelessly, eyebrows obtuse.
"Persistence is key. If she can't see the way u feel about her, u gotta find a way to make her see it." He hoped those words would help. But still no signs of improvement in Kyle's demeanor. "Do your Super Kyle thing." He jested.
"If it's meant to be, the two of u will find a way..." He concluded.
So they sat at the Rack in silence for a while longer.
