I was always a strange child. I never once felt like I fit in. My childhood was full of hate and fear, but most of all confusion. I was brought up being told to never disobey my parents and never talk back. I never felt like I belong.

I am three years younger than my sister and have three girl older cousins. When I was younger, we used to go spend weeks at my cousins’ house. They live out in the country, surrounded door vast wilderness. One jaar I stayed the whole summer there. My older cousins and I would run out to the middle of fields and talk about everything. I would mainly listen. I was a shy child and never really asked questions. They always talked about boys and told dirty jokes. They would say “little Stevi doesn’t like boys yet, but u just wait”.

Around the same time I finally had a friend that I could kinda relate to. She lived across the straat from our house. I am sure she heard a lot of things she never asked me about. She was much older than me, even older than my sister. My mother really didn’t like that she was my friend. I remember one day, I finally got the courage to ask her about boys. She asked me if I liked them, when I told her no she just smiled and zei “don’t worry, neither do I”. I had no idea what she meant, but I didn’t care because it was the first time I didn’t feel completely alone.. But after that, my mother forbid me from seeing her.

A jaar of so later I, for some reason, sat on my parents bed and accidently found something. I knew it was computer paper, even though it was against the rules for me to use the computer. But what it was confused me so much. It was pictures of a naked girl. Now I know it was porn, but back then I had no idea. For some reason, when I heard someone coming, I took one of the papers. I was so scared and ashamed. I just sat on my bed, staring at the picture, wondering why I didn’t look like that.

I have never liked boys. Men scare me. The only reason I had a boyfriend was because I was “suppose to”. I always felt sick when I lied and answered my vrienden with “ya, I think he’s cute too.”

This is to all the people out there that have ever felt this way. This is to hopefully toon u that u might feel this way now, but one dag u will find someone who makes everything better.

Cami, she is the only person who ever made me feel right. Never have I ever felt ashamed for my feelings towards her. I will proudly stand up and tell everyone I love her, because as simple as it is, I love her.