ETERNAL AGONY (Edward: A Cruel Thing Called Love)
I watched her sleep restlessly. She has been tossing and turning almost all night. I adjusted her bandaged arm and placed it over her stomach. I got up from the bed and went to sit on the rocking chair – in order to give her space. Give her space – that’s what I ought to do.
Immediately after I left her side, her hands searched for me.
“No…” she whimpered. Her eyes flew open. Her eyes searched for me in the dark. Panic written all over her face.
I thought she was already deeply asleep. I sighed.
“I’m here.” I said. Her eyes adjusted to the dark and she finally saw me. Relief washed over her face.
“I thought…” She started and then stopped. She shuddered. “What are u doing over there?” She asked hoarsely.
“I’m giving u space.” I winced at the double meaning of my simple explanation. Would she comprehend the meaning behind the words?
Confusion clouded her chocolate brown eyes. I couldn’t do this to her, now. I couldn’t do this to her, ever. I couldn’t beer the thought of leaving her, hurting her. But I know I SHOULD. If I want to keep her safe, alive.. I MUST.
Her lower lip trembled.
My defenses crumbled…
“You’ve been tossing and turning. I wanted to give u meer room.” I explained softly.
Again relief washed over her lovely face. She smiled sheepishly.
“Sorry.” She said, then lowered her eyes.
“There’s no need for u to apologize, Bella. It is, after all, your bed.” I zei harshly.
Your bed…Your life…Your Safety.
She lifted shocked eyes to me.
“I only meant…” She stammered.
“I’m sorry.” I said.
“You’re forgiven.” She zei immediately.
How easy for her to forgive me – for being selfish, for putting her in danger over and over again for being who I am. Could she also forgive me if I do what I’m supposed to do?
“How’s your arm?” I asked her to distract myself from the gloom that’s threatening to engulf me.
“Not hurting.” She murmured. I could easily see through her lie. I decided to let it go. She would see the real art of lying, soon.
Tomorrow, then.
No, not tomorrow.
Indecision crippled me.
I’ll allow myself a couple of weeks. No, a couple of days…a week…even a dag of two – with her. I need to prepare her.
For what?
The truth – something I don’t want to admit, to face - I need to find the will…The strength – to say goodbye..
I kept my face smooth and expressionless as pain hit me, crushed me. The thought of leaving her was unbearable. But I knew I couldn’t risk her life anymore. I knew what I must do. I fought the choking sound that’s trying to escape from my parched throat.
“Go back to sleep.” I told her hoarsely.
“I can’t sleep without u beside me. I don’t need meer room. I need you.” She zei almost shyly.
Aaah…this is going to be difficult.
‘Please…” She breathed.
I caught the scent of her breath in the air. I knew this would haunt me when I’m gone.
Oh, why not? Why not spend this entire night holding her? Why not carve this last night with her in my memory?
I got up from the rocking chair and lay beside her.
Remember what is right and what is wrong. I reminded myself. I sighed. I wrapped the quilt around her snugly. I smoothed out her hair – arranged it so it fans around her face, just as I always like it, just like the first time I sneaked inside this very room and watched her sleeping.
Stinging in my eyes? Tears? I touched the corner of my left eye. Of course, there were no tears for me. Tears are for humans…and I am not human.
I wish I could have tears now, so I could have release.
I wish I could be human again so I wouldn’t have to leave her.
I touched her eyelids, her cheek, her nose, her chin, and finally her lips. I memorized every line, every crease, and every curve. I pressed my nose on her throat and inhaled deeply. The brand blazed on my throat. I would have liked the blaze to go on forever – to never stop – as long as that meant she’s with me. I raised her unbandaged arm. I placed her hand on my chest. How I wished my hart-, hart would beat again, just this once, so that she would know how much I love her. How much the thought of leaving her, hurting her, kills me.
“What are u doing?” She asked sleepily.
“What do u think I’m doing?” I wanted to clue her in so that she could…stop me (?) I shook my head then sighed.
“Just thinking how lovely u are.” I zei softly. Again, stinging in my eyes.
I buried my face in her hair. I couldn’t let her see me fall apart. She embraced me. I moaned. I wish to stay this way with her forever.
“You know I love you, don’t you?”
I simply nodded. I don’t trust my voice not to break.
Don’t let me go…Don’t believe the lies I will tell you….Forgive me…
I wanted to say them aloud – to be selfish one last time…
“Don’t leave me…” She whispered.
I didn’t answer for I couldn’t promise her that. I knew what I should do…knew what was right.
Instead, I kissed her with all my might, with all the love I have inside me. I broke the kiss before it could weaken my already weak defenses.
“Now be a good girl and go back to sleep.” Be a good girl so I could fall apart, I thought sadly.
Finally, sleep came to her. I sat up in bed and faced the open window. It was a dark, starless night. An omen to my endless future without her. I cradled my head in my hands.
“Please don’t let the morning come. Don’t let the morning come.” I zei over and over again as I rock myself back and forth. Of course, there are things I could never stop, I thought as the soft straal, ray of light started peeking through the heavy clouds – now turning grey.
Panic, depression, agony washed through my whole being. I trembled uncontrollably. I went back to memorizing her face. I took her hand carefully and held it with both of my hands.
“Bella, I love you. I love you.” I zei over and over again. I finally gave in to sobs. Choking and gasping, I kneeled on the floor door her bed, still holding her hands. I kissed her hand, the inside of her wrist, each of her fingers…
The morning finally won. The time for me to leave her is nearing. I pulled myself together and let go of her hand. I sat back on the rocking chair. Love played a cruel trick on me, I realized. Giving her to me and forcing me to leave her.
The clock’s ticking became louder, ominous – marking the little time I have left with her. Two meer days…
Before I say goodbye…Before I succumb to eternal agony.
With that in mind, I carefully arrange my face into a cold hard mask – hiding all the anguish away.
I watched her sleep restlessly. She has been tossing and turning almost all night. I adjusted her bandaged arm and placed it over her stomach. I got up from the bed and went to sit on the rocking chair – in order to give her space. Give her space – that’s what I ought to do.
Immediately after I left her side, her hands searched for me.
“No…” she whimpered. Her eyes flew open. Her eyes searched for me in the dark. Panic written all over her face.
I thought she was already deeply asleep. I sighed.
“I’m here.” I said. Her eyes adjusted to the dark and she finally saw me. Relief washed over her face.
“I thought…” She started and then stopped. She shuddered. “What are u doing over there?” She asked hoarsely.
“I’m giving u space.” I winced at the double meaning of my simple explanation. Would she comprehend the meaning behind the words?
Confusion clouded her chocolate brown eyes. I couldn’t do this to her, now. I couldn’t do this to her, ever. I couldn’t beer the thought of leaving her, hurting her. But I know I SHOULD. If I want to keep her safe, alive.. I MUST.
Her lower lip trembled.
My defenses crumbled…
“You’ve been tossing and turning. I wanted to give u meer room.” I explained softly.
Again relief washed over her lovely face. She smiled sheepishly.
“Sorry.” She said, then lowered her eyes.
“There’s no need for u to apologize, Bella. It is, after all, your bed.” I zei harshly.
Your bed…Your life…Your Safety.
She lifted shocked eyes to me.
“I only meant…” She stammered.
“I’m sorry.” I said.
“You’re forgiven.” She zei immediately.
How easy for her to forgive me – for being selfish, for putting her in danger over and over again for being who I am. Could she also forgive me if I do what I’m supposed to do?
“How’s your arm?” I asked her to distract myself from the gloom that’s threatening to engulf me.
“Not hurting.” She murmured. I could easily see through her lie. I decided to let it go. She would see the real art of lying, soon.
Tomorrow, then.
No, not tomorrow.
Indecision crippled me.
I’ll allow myself a couple of weeks. No, a couple of days…a week…even a dag of two – with her. I need to prepare her.
For what?
The truth – something I don’t want to admit, to face - I need to find the will…The strength – to say goodbye..
I kept my face smooth and expressionless as pain hit me, crushed me. The thought of leaving her was unbearable. But I knew I couldn’t risk her life anymore. I knew what I must do. I fought the choking sound that’s trying to escape from my parched throat.
“Go back to sleep.” I told her hoarsely.
“I can’t sleep without u beside me. I don’t need meer room. I need you.” She zei almost shyly.
Aaah…this is going to be difficult.
‘Please…” She breathed.
I caught the scent of her breath in the air. I knew this would haunt me when I’m gone.
Oh, why not? Why not spend this entire night holding her? Why not carve this last night with her in my memory?
I got up from the rocking chair and lay beside her.
Remember what is right and what is wrong. I reminded myself. I sighed. I wrapped the quilt around her snugly. I smoothed out her hair – arranged it so it fans around her face, just as I always like it, just like the first time I sneaked inside this very room and watched her sleeping.
Stinging in my eyes? Tears? I touched the corner of my left eye. Of course, there were no tears for me. Tears are for humans…and I am not human.
I wish I could have tears now, so I could have release.
I wish I could be human again so I wouldn’t have to leave her.
I touched her eyelids, her cheek, her nose, her chin, and finally her lips. I memorized every line, every crease, and every curve. I pressed my nose on her throat and inhaled deeply. The brand blazed on my throat. I would have liked the blaze to go on forever – to never stop – as long as that meant she’s with me. I raised her unbandaged arm. I placed her hand on my chest. How I wished my hart-, hart would beat again, just this once, so that she would know how much I love her. How much the thought of leaving her, hurting her, kills me.
“What are u doing?” She asked sleepily.
“What do u think I’m doing?” I wanted to clue her in so that she could…stop me (?) I shook my head then sighed.
“Just thinking how lovely u are.” I zei softly. Again, stinging in my eyes.
I buried my face in her hair. I couldn’t let her see me fall apart. She embraced me. I moaned. I wish to stay this way with her forever.
“You know I love you, don’t you?”
I simply nodded. I don’t trust my voice not to break.
Don’t let me go…Don’t believe the lies I will tell you….Forgive me…
I wanted to say them aloud – to be selfish one last time…
“Don’t leave me…” She whispered.
I didn’t answer for I couldn’t promise her that. I knew what I should do…knew what was right.
Instead, I kissed her with all my might, with all the love I have inside me. I broke the kiss before it could weaken my already weak defenses.
“Now be a good girl and go back to sleep.” Be a good girl so I could fall apart, I thought sadly.
Finally, sleep came to her. I sat up in bed and faced the open window. It was a dark, starless night. An omen to my endless future without her. I cradled my head in my hands.
“Please don’t let the morning come. Don’t let the morning come.” I zei over and over again as I rock myself back and forth. Of course, there are things I could never stop, I thought as the soft straal, ray of light started peeking through the heavy clouds – now turning grey.
Panic, depression, agony washed through my whole being. I trembled uncontrollably. I went back to memorizing her face. I took her hand carefully and held it with both of my hands.
“Bella, I love you. I love you.” I zei over and over again. I finally gave in to sobs. Choking and gasping, I kneeled on the floor door her bed, still holding her hands. I kissed her hand, the inside of her wrist, each of her fingers…
The morning finally won. The time for me to leave her is nearing. I pulled myself together and let go of her hand. I sat back on the rocking chair. Love played a cruel trick on me, I realized. Giving her to me and forcing me to leave her.
The clock’s ticking became louder, ominous – marking the little time I have left with her. Two meer days…
Before I say goodbye…Before I succumb to eternal agony.
With that in mind, I carefully arrange my face into a cold hard mask – hiding all the anguish away.
