Her face was so shocked. I laughed. It felt wrong, I had not laughed in such a long time. I felt so light. How had everything worked out so easily in such a short time? I now had everything I could ever want, and I hadn't even know I wanted it. I wanted her to experience her new self, so I stopped to set her down. She looked disappointed, but after a moment she seemed to get excited. What I would have gegeven to see into her mind! It was only all the meer madenning due to the fact she had hardly spoken. There were so many things I wanted to ask her. I opened my mouth to start, looking into her eyes, but shut my mouth again. It was not the time. She must be very thirsty. I was, too for that matter, but I did not care at that moment. A crease appeared in her brow, and she frowned deeply. Whatever thought she was having-I tried harder to probe her mind, unless as I knew it was-it had left her meloncaly.
"How are you?" she breathed. Ah, that would explain her sadness.
"Wonderful, now." I answered, hoping to spread my happiness to her. Her expression did not change except becoming meer confused.
"I'm glad to hear that," she muttered even meer quietly, looking at the ground. It frustrated me. I wanted to look into her eyes, my only window into her mind. She seemed to think for some ludicrous reason that I did not want her. I bulted forward, taking her tightly in my arms.
"Bella," I murmered into her hair, enhaling. She wrapped her arms around my waist.
"I can't put into words...this feeling. Missing you would not do justice. I cannot live without you." I pulled back to look at her face, keeping my arms around her. Her mouth hung open slightly.
"I lied, Bella. I lied so that u would let me go. I did not want u to have this fate," I was rushing through my words. Her face grew so pained when I zei this that I hurried to currect myself, to make her understand.
"I thought u would lose your soul, as u know. I underestimated your feeling for me, I suppose. I had no idea how much it would hurt u for me to leave. I had to try...I wanted u to have a normal life. Because u deserve a normal life. u deserve better than me." Now I grew sad, picturing my life without her, only forever this time. I would not be able to live through that. She starred at me, her expression blank. Shocked.
"Of course..." I added, continuing, seeing as how she obviously would be unable to speak for sometime. I had meer to say before she spoke, anyway.
"If you had moved on...if I have hurt u too much, if you...if there is someone else..." I thought back to Alice's memory. Bella's best friend...Jacob Black. She had obviously been quite attached to him...a werewolf. It was just like Bella to be vrienden with him....or more.
"I..." she breathed, quiet as a breath. "You...want me?" she asked in disbelief. I felt instantanious relief, and I tried to suppress it. She had not zei that she wanted me.
"Of course, Bella." I zei passionately.
"I have always, and will always wanted you. Have I not zei dozens opon dozens of times how dearly I care for you? When I lied to you..." I could hear the pain in my own voice, so I was sure she could aswell.
"When I told u I did not want you...Of all the sins I have commited, that was door far the worst. I thought it would be best for you. If I had not thought that, I would never have been able to do it. That was the single most painful thing I have ever been through." I thought back to when I had first found out she was becoming a vampire, not sure if I was lying. Even if she did not have a soul, which I was possitive she did, I would still never have been able to live without her. I waited for her to speak. It took a few moments, but eventually, she did.
"You only left...to protect me?" she sounded as though she did not believe me. I frowned deeper.
"You are all I will ever want. I love u meer than anything in this world. While I was away, I thought of nothing but you. Every moment felt like an eternity." I wanted so badly for her to believe me, but I understood why she didn't. I had lied to her, and now she did not know which was the truth. After all I had put her through, how could I expect her to trust me? I wanted nothing meer than her trust, though I had done nothing to earn it. A crease appeared in her brow again, and she buried her face in my chest.
"I don't believe it..." she murmured. It did not sound like she meant this litterally, just that this moment felt unreal. As it did to me. It was hard to believe that only three days geleden I had been in misery. I pulled back slightly and pulled her face to mine. If she did not want me, she was at least enjoying this moment. Her lips moved with urgency against mine. It was unbelievable to be free from her scent. To be able to touch her, without fear of harming her. I wrapped my hand around her head, crushing her to me. She squeazed me with what felt like all her strength, getting carried away, as usual. Though this made me very happy, it also hurt very much. I broke off from the kiss. She released a bit of the preassure, worried lines creasing her forhead. Like she had done something wrong.
"Sorry, love," I murmured, explaining myself. "You just need to be a bit care. Ow." Suprise flitted accross her face, her eyes widening. Alice had already explained how strong she would be. She must have forgotten, of just been carried away in the moment. Either way, the fact that I had that effect on her still thrilled me.
"Oh," she muttered, pouting and looking disgruntalled. I laughed out loud. The expression was adorable. Her face muscles relaxed at the sound. I pulled my hand softly from the back of her head, placing it lightly on her cheek and stroking the side of her face. She starred up at my face. She looked...perfect. It was unfortunate that I had to ruin the moment, but I needed to know.
"Can u forgive me?" I whispered. Her expression grew soft.
"There's nothing to forgive." she said, reaching for my face. I closed my eyes in bliss as she moved her hand accross myjaw, my cheek, my eyes, my lips...It felt like nothing I had ever experienced. I sighed, opening my eyes.
"We should really get going," I informed her. She dropped her hand, as did I. She looked down.
"I...I don't know how...What do I do?" she asked me, looking back at my face. I smiled, stepping away, but keeping her hand in mine. She had still not told me if she wanted me in return, but she seemed to, and we had all the time in the world the discuss it.
"Don't worry," I said. "It comes naturally. Instinct. Here," I said, pointing east, to a spot where wolves teneded to gather. My voice faded I realized she may not want to hunt dogs...after all, her best friend was one. There weren't perticularly good choices for beginner hunting...Other than the bear, it was only grizzy bears and mountian sheep. The bears would be difficult, and the schapen were not all that appitizing.
"Actually," I currected myself, pointing south. "That would be a better direction."
"Why?" she asked, always curious.
"I figured u should start with something easy..." My voice fafded out when her eyes narrowed at the word easy.
"For your first time," I zei hurriedly. She shrugged, looking away from me, to the south where I pointed. She released my hand, darting forward. I followed quickly after. She was fast. I caught the scent of some sheep, and and stopped, calling to her. She skitted to a stop, runnig back to where I stood. An exilerated smile lit her features. I smiled in return.
"Here," I said, stepping behind her and placing my hands on her shoulders. "Do u smell anything?" I asked her. She paused, inhaling. A moment later, she muttered, "Yes," I looked at her face. It was wrinkled in distaste, her eyes closed. I supressed a laugh.
"I know, it doesn't smell very good, but u will get used to it. I promise," I comforted her, pressing my lips lightly to her cheek. Her eyes opened-only for a moment-and she turned her lips to mine. She wrapped her arms around my head, as far as she could reach with me behind her. I chuckled, breaking the kiss. We were never going to get through this. Not that I cared when we got back, but my family might worry. They were such good people, it was hard to stay mad at them. Especially when they had known what I wanted, even when I did not. She dropped her arms, sighing. "Focus," I muttered, though that was the last thing I wanted her to do. We were both very thirsty.
"What do I do now?" she asked me. I chuckled again.
"What your instincts tell you," I informed her. "Just let the scent pull u forward." As I zei this, I caught another scent. A bear, to the south-east. I would have gone after it, but I needed to stay with Bella. She bent into a crouch, and ran in the direction of the bear. I paniced, running after her. She was faster than me, I couldn't catch up. Calm down, I told myself. The instinct to protect her was still very much a part of me. I had to remind myself that the beer could not hurt her now. There were very few things that could. I calmed myself, following less urgently now. Within thirty second, we reached the bear, and she did not hesitate. She simply leaped at it catching it door suprise. They both fell to the forest floor, and I watched in shock. I continually had to stop myself from lunging and killing the creature. Everytime it hauled in anger, raked it's claws accross her granite skin, tried to reach her with it's jaws...I had to look away. It was hard to watch. The T-shirt and jeans she was wearing were being torn to shreds. She seemed oblivious, but I wasn't. I could see her stomache, her thighs...I felt intrusive, and looked away. I remembered a conversation we had had.
"Well," she had said.
"Yes?" I prodded, impatient to know her thoughts.
"You zei that Rosalie and Emmett will get married soon...is that...marriage...the same as it is for humans?" I had laughed, understanding why she was uncomfortable then.
"Is THAT what you're getting at?" I had teased her. She did not reply, shifting uncomfortablly.
"Yes, I suppose it is much the same," I had explained to her. "I told you, most of the human desires are there, just hidden behin meer powerful desires." My desires did not feel hidden now, thirsty as I was.
"Oh," she had zei quietly. She seemed about to dtop the subject, but I was not ready to let that happen.
"Was there a purpose behind your curiousity?"
"Well, I did wonder..about u and me...someday..." I had been taken door suprise, and I wanted to explain without hurting her. I had imagined being that close to her, and being out of control. Being carried away, and hurting her. Killing her.
"I don't think that...that...would be possible for us."
"Because it would be too hard for you, if I were that...close?" she asked.
Bella awakened me from the memory. In my periferal vision, I saw her throw the limp carcass.
"Why am I still thirsty?" she demanded in frustration. I smiled.
"Don't worry," I said, pushing away from the boom I was leaning on, and heading over to where she stood, virtually naked, and totally oblivious.
"You will get used to it. It is the worst when you're a newborn, but it will get better if u feed more." As I zei this, I took of my jas and flung it across her shoulders. She looked down at herself for the first time, and looked embarassed. I missed her blush. But if I had to trade it for all of these other things I had now, I could easily live with that.
"More?" she asked in disbelief. I smiled, putting my arm around her shoulders and guilding her in the direction we came.
"If you'd like. But either way, I do need to hunt aswell." It really was very uncomfortable. It burned. Of course, after everything I had been through with Bella, it seemed nothing.
"Oh, yeah." she muttered. It had been almost a maand sonce I had arrived three days ago. That was a longer time than most could stand.
"What are we hunting?" she asked me. I chuckled.
"What we were about to hunt before u ran off."
She wrinkled her nose.
"Sheep?" she asked. She sounded unenthusiastic to put it mildly.
"Yes," I informed her. "I know the bears smell better-meat eaters do-but I doubt there are a whole lot meer around here. Besides, I'm not sure I could stand watching that again." I looked at her. She looked confused and worried.
"Why?" she asked.
"It was harder than it should have been. Ever since the moment I first saw you, I have been fighting to keep u from any danger. To watch u wrestle with a beer will take some adjusting." Neither of us zei anything then, because we had reached the herd. I released her hand, and snapped the biggest male's neck in my hands before he realized what was happening. At the same time, Bella tackled another, biting into it's neck instantly. I was very thirsty, so I let myself go, biting into his neck. I was aware that she had stopped, her eyes now on me, studying my every move. I finished, looking back at her. She looked disgruntalled. She looked down, examining herself, and looking back at me. Under my jacket, her cloths were torn and bloodied. I did not look much better, but that was only because I had still not changed since the moment I heard her scream. The fact that I looked no worse from when we had started this hunting trip must have been why she looked at me that way. I pressed my lips into a tight line to keep from laughing.
"Are u done?" I asked.
"Yes," she zei quickly, throwing the half-drained carcass off her. As we ran back to the house-she insisted on racing me, and I had not put up a fight, though I was putting little effort into it-I was thinking about that conversation we had had so long ago. IT had not been possible then. She was too breakable. But what about now? She was stronger than I. We were equal, as she had wanted all along. Did she still feel that way? Surely she did not, she was still a newborn. But, unlike I had told her then, perhaps that would be possible for us someday.