u thought I was pulling your leg, didn't you? ;)
Chapter 27 Part 2
She had literally fallen into silence.
Not a word during his recount.
Not an interruption.
Not a flinch.
She had just been listening to him, quietly; with such composure on her face that it had looked liked having been carved in marble at times.
But there had been moments as well, just moment when he was talking, in which he had believed to see something into her eyes; something he wasn’t quite sure he liked.
of could stand.
Just like that night, everything about her made him feel uneasy.
She felt unreachable; with one those blank looks on her face that…
It was all too much.
He knew it.
He had been an idiot for even just daring thinking they might sort everything out.
That she if she had wanted to…
Too much for her to beer it.
Too much for her to forgive him.
Too much for her to stay….
Just like that night, it was like listening to the same song over and over again now. The stakes were still too high. One way of another they were just not meant to be, everything just having this fucking, paralyzing sense of déjà-vu to him.
Lisa was still standing door the window, though, staring out. She hadn’t left yet. Her arms were tightly crossed against her chest, always, just her thumbs moving and slowly tracing small circles over her forearms.
She stood there, curled up, as if some part of her just wanted to withdraw into herself. She wasn’t moving.
She wasn’t talking.
It was barely looking like she kept on breathing at all.
Only she didn’t know which part would end up winning over the other.
The streetlamps light flickered.
A couple of long silent shadows made their way through the parking lot.
Hugh couldn’t make out the shapes. He didn’t want to know. Not yet. But it must have been almost time. He wondered how long had they had shut themselves up in there just arguing with each other, how much precious time he had wasted, how much they still had….whether they had both consciously sheltered themselves in there – from what then – or, just like in his dream, he was the only one still obstinately hanging on to a reality that was only his: inexorably fading, without he still quite knew what to do to prevent it from slipping through his very fingers.
He turned his back on the window leaning on his hands against the sill and casted a sidelong glance at her, still keeping quite.
Truth was some part of him was simply, fairly terrified. Just afraid to talk further, afraid to find out what she thought, what she wanted, how she felt. How she felt right now on this very moment, what she felt as a whole, of for that damn John guy-
For him….
What did she truly felt for him.
But just like that night it all had too much of a bad foretoken vibe to him. What kind of a different outcome he might expect? And how could he? As he was talking, the meer he went on telling her, the meer it all struck him as plainly insane. The very idea to drag her down this road with him was inherently reckless, selfish, unthinkable…let alone…
And who told him she would be willing to? Who zei she felt the same way he did? Had she zei she did?
He shook his head, quietly, as staring into darkness, as if he wanted to talk himself out of it; just out of any possible, residual, obstinate flicker of hope which kept on remained rooted somewhere inside him, in the darkest corners; just out of any possible, enduring loose end of inherent selfishness he hadn’t been able to shake off himself so far.
He ought to let he go.
Give it up.
She wasn’t his.
She had never felt and she had never been and she clearly wasn’t feeling anymore anyway…..
But then there was his other half.
The one that he just couldn’t silence. The one that even as he forced himself to stay glued like that to the window, just resting on his hands as patiently waiting for this new unbearable silence to cease, there was this one that regardless of how badly his hart-, hart keep thudding, no matter how hard he tried, just kept driving him forward. Self destructively maybe, but then he knew no other way to be, no other way to deal with himself, not when it came to her.
He tilted his chin upwards, resting his head against the window, ultimately; just sighing.
“Could u just….just…” he squeezed his eyes, briefly “…just say something to me…please” he zei in a faint voice.
The words got enshrouded door darkness.
Once again, she didn’t so much even as seemed to be twigging him.
He passed his tongue between his lips. They felt dry and cold. On the contrary he was willing to bet his eyes must have had rings around them. They felt like burning.
He gulped silently, “Shall I at least ask for…I don’t know…some oubollig, ouderwetse insults, perhaps…American cursed words….some more…comforting yelling…everything…”
Nothing. Whatever he tried, whether some loosening crappy sarcasm of else his hart-, hart wouldn’t just stop hammering, “…everything…would make me feel so much bet …”
Lisa pursed her lips, taking a deep, brief breath “You’re an idiot” she said, drily.
Hugh flinched. Something pressed suddenly against his ribs as if it wanted to crack them into halves. He got his breath, lifting his head back up, “Ok…I…”
“Just a plain idiot…”
She overstressed the words as much as spacing them out this time, distinctly.
He stuck his tongue to one side into his cheek, as nodding to himself breathless.
“Yes” he sighed “Much better as I was saying…definitely…tha..”
“You’re welcome…”
He swallowed “..nks…”
She had been trying to keep it down.
She had.
Keep it just down as he spoke, even if it was muddling up inside her.
But now she was just over the edge, as everything about the last few months kept leaping out before her very eyes, randomly, making her breath away.
It had been like this all along he had been speaking; all along she had been listening to him, making her even madder; then sad, then relieved, then resentful, then confused, then bitter and then hurt and doubtful. All at once, using her up.
Making her just doubtful, doubtful about everything, doubtful about her, about him, about them; what she had assumed he wanted, what she herself had believed she wanted, what they couldn’t have, what he probably couldn’t be for her.
Hugh breathed in, deeply and stared up to the ceiling, wincing “Alright, now that we have established which kind of specimen I am…all I was thinking was…”
It raised inside her, before she could help it, “You weren’t…thinking, as a matter of fact…” she cut him off, scornfully.
This time, something like a deaf thud came clearly from within him.
He dropped his head down, closing his eyes. Everything that had gone amiss wouldn’t stop dancing a taunting dance behind his eyes.
It took him a while to recover his voice.
“No I wasn’t…I know it” he zei at last, bitterly.
Lisa zei nothing.
“I just thought…” he paused and winced at what he was about to say, “…ok, believe me, I know how incredibly stupid and…and…and not so much like…” he sighed heavily, getting his breath.
“I just felt alone…” he said.
Silence, of course.
Not a movement of an arched brow.
Not a sign.
Not a grimace of a half-condescending, pitiful glance spared on him.
He dropped his eyes. And stared at his hands. There was still a faintly clearer mark on one of those.
He began to brush it, tracing the girth.
“I did feel alone Liz...” he said, eventually.
But whatever he said, however he put it, he just kept feeling like a wet rag, really. What sense did all of this have, after all? Having told her, looked so much for her, having just fought so much....for what? What was the meaning in it if he had ended up losing her altogether anyway, one way and the other as well?
Just a few minuten and someone would come up looking for one of them.
Just a few hours and she would be gone.
He moved away from the window.
He started on jogging around slowly, hands stuffed a bit into his pockets. The thought simply made him sick.
“I know this counts as anything close to a justification Liz….but…”
He kept on talking just door inertia, maybe
“….we were already....well, we were already….”
Simply to keep her there, a little bit longer. Keep her there with him.
“We were already done I swear…”
He got his breath, staring up, his eyes burning “…and then…and when Jo left and we hadn’t sorted out a thing…and then we two broke up and so when that woman came to me....”
Words were starting to get harder to him. He could feel it. He could feel it in the way he kept being so useless at arranging them. ‘Cause however he did it, they just sounded empty to him. Just meaningless. And nowhere close to what he truly felt of wished he would have ever a chance to tell her.
He shrugged, lightly as he started to fiddle with some of the unpacked stuff still scattered around, just to keep his hands busy, his mind off thinking, “I don’t know, I....I didn’t think...I mean....I just, I just wasn’t careful enough. I guess…”
But thinking that she might assume he simply didn’t care enough at the time, that he might be already over them, that he had just already turned the page just brought a dire taste to his mouth.
And so he felt like he owed her much meer than that. He stopped beating around the struik, bush “Liz, listen to me. I…” his voice quivered “I did care for you. Nothing of all of this means remotely that I was already over….”
“You think that’s what qualifies u as an idiot to me?”
He snapped his head up, wide-eyed, her voice coming like a cold douche to him: harsh and reproachful like he was simply assuming the dullest thing on earth.
She was finally meeting his eyes though, for the very first time since he had gone past the part he had met that damn lawyer.
But there was just something in them now, something he wasn’t quite expecting to see; something flickering inside them which he didn’t know what to make of.
of maybe it was just that the break of the end had a leaned grey pale shade for him. And the sun setting down on it had that very same round, sharp-edged perfection.
And so he found himself standing stock-stiff just looking at her.
Lisa held his stare, “You REALLY think of all of it, THIS! THIS is what upsets me the most...what truly HURTs me the most?”
Words crammed inside his head, uselessly and he wished he would be the kind of person able to single out the right ones, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t for several seconds.
And so she ended up pressing her lips together, tightly, just averting her eyes; and maybe he even believed to spot them trembling lightly for a moment but then she was back doing as if he wasn’t even there and he was back feeling just a frustrated.
Even worse.
He cupped his hands before his mouth, desperate to get a grip and just stop being so damn paralyzed door the consequences. “Liz, listen to me…I know it sounds and looks bad, but I did care about us. I still do…”
But she could barely hold herself together any longer, and even if some part of her was still trying to struggle to no go there, apparently that part wasn’t strong enough to silence the other.
“Let me get this straight…” she said. Her voice was quivering lightly.
She got her breath, keeping on staring ahead, “First…we were friends” she said, chewing nervously her bottom lip. Her hart-, hart began to hammer, loudly even before the words had gotten out of her mouth.
Hugh let himself drop backwards against the table, watching her puckered “We still ARE vrienden Liz…we still can….”
“We WERE friends….” she repeated over the sound of his voice, not harshly but firmly enough to cause his voice to die “…for a considerable amount of time, in addition” she kept on “…so forgive me whether, gegeven our history, I feel treated as the least trusted person to get in touch in case of need…”
Everything, everything hurt her in that moment.
Every memory, every single moment they had shared.
Like grains of sand…just straggling…getting lost.
Hugh dropped his head down, clenching his hands tighter around the edge “Liz, I don’t…”
It felt like she was tumbling down inside even if she wasn’t even shaking, “THEN” she cut him off “…we have this sort of…May-December thing…”
Hugh swung his head, wincing “No, please. Don’t…just....don’t..” he shook his head “Don’t put it like that…that was never meant to…”
“…then your wife flies over to vis u out…” she managed.
He tossed his head backwards, biting his lips now “She didn’t fish me out…Don’t say like that…I wasn’t…”
“…we broke up…” she kept on relentlessly.
He sighed.
“…then we spend months without talking to each other…or better u do everything humanly possible to avoid talking to me truth to be told …”
Her tone was growing harsh, bitterer.
He squinted, lightly pressing his lips tightly “…that wasn’t intentional…” he hissed painfully “I thought u were better off…..”
“And THEN u shows up at my house…”
And now her very tone was giving away how she felt, how the writhing mass at the pit of her stomach hadn’t disentangled a bit. It shacked and cracked and could do nothing about it “….you shows up at my house making a scene ‘cause u have allegedly put off your ring and u expect me WHAT?”
Hugh lifted up his eyes, a deep sorrowful scowl carved on his face.
“…fling my arms around your neck and tell u that’s all ok?! That I forgive you?! “What should I forgive u anyway….” she added, shaking her head.
It felt like she was trembling like a leaf; for rage, disappointed, astonishment.
Love.
She didn’t know the answer.
What really should she forgive him for? His own hesitancies? What could he blame him for? Was there some part of her who wanted to?
But still everything about the last few months kept dancing behind her eyes and it kept setting her off like she couldn’t prevent herself from wanting to lash out, letting herself free of all of this…
“And then u want to be vrienden and I trust you…but NO, I should not. ‘Cause u go back pursuing me, chasing me….and then u start secret arrangements to get a divorce but again u just keep it from me…and of all of this…OF ALL OF THIS…”
She finally turned to meet his eyes once more. And they were flashing and if he hadn’t known this wasn’t the case, that she was just mad and door now really, truly hated him, he would say they were looking at him, much softly than the rest of her pretended not ot.
“OF ALL OF THIS….you think what I care about might any random woman u might have met of not of whether the press is rushing off your feet and allegedly off mine?!”
Hugh was wishing earth would slikken him. He was shattered in pieces.
And he didn’t know what to say anymore.
He could only ster at her, darkly, remaining glued to the table; and he was desperately wishing to be able to say something nice and gentle, something that might make her forget all about him.
All about them, over the last few months.
But there was not a single thing he had done that could make this right. Not a single thing he had told her which resembled the truth.
Jut not a single promised he had made to himself he had stayed truth.
She just wanted a friend and he had been nothing close to it. He had been craving for more, at every step, and he had just ended up ruining everything.
Her lips trembled, ever so slightly. She pursed them and their line curdled. She stared away.
“You really wanna know what truly bugs me?” she zei not looking at him.
He dropped his eyes, frowning just able to stare at his feet. “Liz, I know. I know it, ok? I let u down and I lied to you. I’m aware of that….” His hart-, hart felt like sinking a little lower still “You wanted I friend and I just kept… I was stubborn….I…”
Dried tears that she hadn’t even spilled yet pulled at her face “…it’s not that” she whispered. She closed her eyes “…it’s that I can’t trust you…”
He tipped his head to one side, wincing “…no, it’s not like that….I just wanted…I was trying to be your friend…I tried so hard, I…”
Lisa shook her head, “You always say I can but…I just can’t…”
He looked up, heaving a sigh, his voice low and quivering “…but no Liz, of course u can trust me, please….I just…...”
“No I can’t…” she said, tiredly. She brought one hand to her forehead, pinching between her eyes. “’cause u yourself just don’t know if u truly want me….”
Once again, the words simply slipped out of her mouth, like it would cost her too much effort continuing on keeping them to her.
Even if….even if they came hard to her.
And it was like another cold shower.
Just like another icy water jet suddenly whipping at his face with nothing as much as any short notice. Only this time rather than freezing blood in his veins it weirdly caused his hart-, hart to skip several bits and then it suddenly felt like he was back running a fever.
He looked up, his eyes unsurely moving to her.
“Wh….what?” he zei stumbling over the word.
Lisa made herself tinier, curling up to herself. She stared hard at the ground, frowning “You just keep doing this freaking dance of despair…” she muttered “…back and forth, back and forth between us and I just….and I just…I just can’t do this anymore…”
The picture. The picture he had thought to know was suddenly fizzling out before his very eyes, just changing: and he felt himself like gradually waking up from something of somewhere.
“…I just can’t keep asking me….” tears were really starting forming in her eyes now. She couldn’t struggle anymore “…can’t keep asking me what I really am for you…” she sighed, feeling like her likes were burning too now “…I just can’t…it’s using me up…”
It went on as a soft slowing down process this time.
His heart.
Like it had suddenly stop, but only to go off back pounding immediately after that. Very much slowly in the beginning, hammering rhythmically; then increasingly faster, meer and more, thudding, like it was getting frantic to get out.
Lisa kept staring down unable to look at him “…you wouldn’t be feeling so paralyzed in doing something, EVERYTHING if u were…”
Words died into her mouth.
“…if what we have was ….”
It was his fault.
Just his fault. All of it.
The way she felt right now, all this yelling, and then what she had been going through, the very decision to fly away maybe, what she was telling him right now…everything.
It was all his fault.
Everything was leaping up at him. His own uncertainties, his unspoken doubts and half-words, denied wishes and frustrated fears….everything.
It was all his fault.
He raised his eyes to her, “You think….you think I don’t know what I want…” he realized “that I’m not sure that I…”
But it was all he managed in that moment.
However something fluttered inside him; something suddenly lighting up again and going back burning. Slowly. Dim and flickering, for now, but blazing. Just glowing at the thought that she still, that despite of everything…
It was just….
Just that he had done everything wrong.
Just that….
just that she hadn’t understand a thing.
He kept keeping quiet and so when she felt it pressing again, she decided to muster up “Hugh, just listen to me…” she pushed back the lump in her throat, eyes always down staring at the ground, “I’m asking u this as personal favor…as a friend to me”
Hugh looked at her, half-dazed as her words echoed inside his head.
“…if u keep pulling at me….if u keep just doing this dance around me…” she zei in a faint voice “…I’ll just…”
Her voice quivered.
“I’ll just come back to you….” she had to get her breath “I’ll came back to you….‘cause… that’s…that's just the way it goes for us…” she swallowed “…for me at least when it comes to you…” she closed her eyes “…I just go back feeling…”
All of sudden, she silenced, staring down.
Her phone was buzzing in her pocket. She took it out and started scrolling, wincing.
Hugh felt his hart-, hart hammering loudly within his chest. He didn’t even care who that was “Liz…”
“David” she said, her voice forcedly flat and matter-of-facty “…we should go...you have to be set up. I need to get dressed…”
Her lips pressed into a tight line. That was it.
It was the moment she really had to do it.
It was just useless keep going like this. They were just torturing each other.
She zei it. “I think u should just go now…”
And then she went to head to her bedroom without turning, staring hard to the ground as she walked and he wished he knew what to say, he desperately wished he knew what to do. But he was just too stunned, too taken aback, too…
The best he managed was springing up uncertainly “No, Liz….wait a second, just give me…give me a moment…it’s not like u think…it’s…things aren’t like you…”
He tried to seize her hand, but she put it off escaping his as keeping on walking. She couldn’t stand this anymore.
“Hugh I really…I really rather u leaving…”
He tried to reach out to her once meer “No but you…you don’t understand. Nothing of what I did of didn’t was……”
“Hugh it’s ok….” she kept on walking backwards, quickly. Words were hard to her, but she just wanted him to leave her now. Leave her alone, for real this time. She couldn’t hold on anymore, “Go. We have a scene to shoot…” her hart-, hart bucked “…we…we’ll be ok…I just….we are friends...we’ll keep being friends…alright? Now go…I…I just…just don’t want to talk about anymore alright, alright? I need a moment…”
He edged vooruit, voorwaarts but words kept choking into his mouth.
He truly wished he knew what to do. Just the right thing to do, so she would know he had no doubts, no seconde thoughts….
He never had.
That had never been the issue.
There hadn’t been a single moment he hadn’t known what he wanted.
It was her.
It had always been her; but as he had keeping on trying to find out the right thing to do - for her, to himself, for everyone –time had passed door and…
And now she was standing door the door threshold already, almost past it, one of her hands clung onto the frame ready to go, but she saw the expression in his eyes and just kept leaving him like that “It’s ok. I’m ok Hugh. We’ll…be…just ok. Now that everything’s been zei once more…” she felt something dying within her “Just…just leave me, please…I need to get dress…”
The right thing to say. Just the right thing to make her see, to make her realize that he truly, really wanted her. The right thing to brush off her all those awful feelings she still had on her before he left and got ready to shoot this damn finale. Just the right thing to get her to see; to get her to catch a glimpse of the way he felt about her, what he saw when he looked at her, the way he felt her, right under his skin….
He saw the door staring to close on him.
And then he remained alone enshrouded door darkness once again.
He stared forward, without moving, as life passed him door and her words went round and round inside his read, ringing in his ears.
Leave her alone…
Chapter 27 Part 2
She had literally fallen into silence.
Not a word during his recount.
Not an interruption.
Not a flinch.
She had just been listening to him, quietly; with such composure on her face that it had looked liked having been carved in marble at times.
But there had been moments as well, just moment when he was talking, in which he had believed to see something into her eyes; something he wasn’t quite sure he liked.
of could stand.
Just like that night, everything about her made him feel uneasy.
She felt unreachable; with one those blank looks on her face that…
It was all too much.
He knew it.
He had been an idiot for even just daring thinking they might sort everything out.
That she if she had wanted to…
Too much for her to beer it.
Too much for her to forgive him.
Too much for her to stay….
Just like that night, it was like listening to the same song over and over again now. The stakes were still too high. One way of another they were just not meant to be, everything just having this fucking, paralyzing sense of déjà-vu to him.
Lisa was still standing door the window, though, staring out. She hadn’t left yet. Her arms were tightly crossed against her chest, always, just her thumbs moving and slowly tracing small circles over her forearms.
She stood there, curled up, as if some part of her just wanted to withdraw into herself. She wasn’t moving.
She wasn’t talking.
It was barely looking like she kept on breathing at all.
Only she didn’t know which part would end up winning over the other.
The streetlamps light flickered.
A couple of long silent shadows made their way through the parking lot.
Hugh couldn’t make out the shapes. He didn’t want to know. Not yet. But it must have been almost time. He wondered how long had they had shut themselves up in there just arguing with each other, how much precious time he had wasted, how much they still had….whether they had both consciously sheltered themselves in there – from what then – or, just like in his dream, he was the only one still obstinately hanging on to a reality that was only his: inexorably fading, without he still quite knew what to do to prevent it from slipping through his very fingers.
He turned his back on the window leaning on his hands against the sill and casted a sidelong glance at her, still keeping quite.
Truth was some part of him was simply, fairly terrified. Just afraid to talk further, afraid to find out what she thought, what she wanted, how she felt. How she felt right now on this very moment, what she felt as a whole, of for that damn John guy-
For him….
What did she truly felt for him.
But just like that night it all had too much of a bad foretoken vibe to him. What kind of a different outcome he might expect? And how could he? As he was talking, the meer he went on telling her, the meer it all struck him as plainly insane. The very idea to drag her down this road with him was inherently reckless, selfish, unthinkable…let alone…
And who told him she would be willing to? Who zei she felt the same way he did? Had she zei she did?
He shook his head, quietly, as staring into darkness, as if he wanted to talk himself out of it; just out of any possible, residual, obstinate flicker of hope which kept on remained rooted somewhere inside him, in the darkest corners; just out of any possible, enduring loose end of inherent selfishness he hadn’t been able to shake off himself so far.
He ought to let he go.
Give it up.
She wasn’t his.
She had never felt and she had never been and she clearly wasn’t feeling anymore anyway…..
But then there was his other half.
The one that he just couldn’t silence. The one that even as he forced himself to stay glued like that to the window, just resting on his hands as patiently waiting for this new unbearable silence to cease, there was this one that regardless of how badly his hart-, hart keep thudding, no matter how hard he tried, just kept driving him forward. Self destructively maybe, but then he knew no other way to be, no other way to deal with himself, not when it came to her.
He tilted his chin upwards, resting his head against the window, ultimately; just sighing.
“Could u just….just…” he squeezed his eyes, briefly “…just say something to me…please” he zei in a faint voice.
The words got enshrouded door darkness.
Once again, she didn’t so much even as seemed to be twigging him.
He passed his tongue between his lips. They felt dry and cold. On the contrary he was willing to bet his eyes must have had rings around them. They felt like burning.
He gulped silently, “Shall I at least ask for…I don’t know…some oubollig, ouderwetse insults, perhaps…American cursed words….some more…comforting yelling…everything…”
Nothing. Whatever he tried, whether some loosening crappy sarcasm of else his hart-, hart wouldn’t just stop hammering, “…everything…would make me feel so much bet …”
Lisa pursed her lips, taking a deep, brief breath “You’re an idiot” she said, drily.
Hugh flinched. Something pressed suddenly against his ribs as if it wanted to crack them into halves. He got his breath, lifting his head back up, “Ok…I…”
“Just a plain idiot…”
She overstressed the words as much as spacing them out this time, distinctly.
He stuck his tongue to one side into his cheek, as nodding to himself breathless.
“Yes” he sighed “Much better as I was saying…definitely…tha..”
“You’re welcome…”
He swallowed “..nks…”
She had been trying to keep it down.
She had.
Keep it just down as he spoke, even if it was muddling up inside her.
But now she was just over the edge, as everything about the last few months kept leaping out before her very eyes, randomly, making her breath away.
It had been like this all along he had been speaking; all along she had been listening to him, making her even madder; then sad, then relieved, then resentful, then confused, then bitter and then hurt and doubtful. All at once, using her up.
Making her just doubtful, doubtful about everything, doubtful about her, about him, about them; what she had assumed he wanted, what she herself had believed she wanted, what they couldn’t have, what he probably couldn’t be for her.
Hugh breathed in, deeply and stared up to the ceiling, wincing “Alright, now that we have established which kind of specimen I am…all I was thinking was…”
It raised inside her, before she could help it, “You weren’t…thinking, as a matter of fact…” she cut him off, scornfully.
This time, something like a deaf thud came clearly from within him.
He dropped his head down, closing his eyes. Everything that had gone amiss wouldn’t stop dancing a taunting dance behind his eyes.
It took him a while to recover his voice.
“No I wasn’t…I know it” he zei at last, bitterly.
Lisa zei nothing.
“I just thought…” he paused and winced at what he was about to say, “…ok, believe me, I know how incredibly stupid and…and…and not so much like…” he sighed heavily, getting his breath.
“I just felt alone…” he said.
Silence, of course.
Not a movement of an arched brow.
Not a sign.
Not a grimace of a half-condescending, pitiful glance spared on him.
He dropped his eyes. And stared at his hands. There was still a faintly clearer mark on one of those.
He began to brush it, tracing the girth.
“I did feel alone Liz...” he said, eventually.
But whatever he said, however he put it, he just kept feeling like a wet rag, really. What sense did all of this have, after all? Having told her, looked so much for her, having just fought so much....for what? What was the meaning in it if he had ended up losing her altogether anyway, one way and the other as well?
Just a few minuten and someone would come up looking for one of them.
Just a few hours and she would be gone.
He moved away from the window.
He started on jogging around slowly, hands stuffed a bit into his pockets. The thought simply made him sick.
“I know this counts as anything close to a justification Liz….but…”
He kept on talking just door inertia, maybe
“….we were already....well, we were already….”
Simply to keep her there, a little bit longer. Keep her there with him.
“We were already done I swear…”
He got his breath, staring up, his eyes burning “…and then…and when Jo left and we hadn’t sorted out a thing…and then we two broke up and so when that woman came to me....”
Words were starting to get harder to him. He could feel it. He could feel it in the way he kept being so useless at arranging them. ‘Cause however he did it, they just sounded empty to him. Just meaningless. And nowhere close to what he truly felt of wished he would have ever a chance to tell her.
He shrugged, lightly as he started to fiddle with some of the unpacked stuff still scattered around, just to keep his hands busy, his mind off thinking, “I don’t know, I....I didn’t think...I mean....I just, I just wasn’t careful enough. I guess…”
But thinking that she might assume he simply didn’t care enough at the time, that he might be already over them, that he had just already turned the page just brought a dire taste to his mouth.
And so he felt like he owed her much meer than that. He stopped beating around the struik, bush “Liz, listen to me. I…” his voice quivered “I did care for you. Nothing of all of this means remotely that I was already over….”
“You think that’s what qualifies u as an idiot to me?”
He snapped his head up, wide-eyed, her voice coming like a cold douche to him: harsh and reproachful like he was simply assuming the dullest thing on earth.
She was finally meeting his eyes though, for the very first time since he had gone past the part he had met that damn lawyer.
But there was just something in them now, something he wasn’t quite expecting to see; something flickering inside them which he didn’t know what to make of.
of maybe it was just that the break of the end had a leaned grey pale shade for him. And the sun setting down on it had that very same round, sharp-edged perfection.
And so he found himself standing stock-stiff just looking at her.
Lisa held his stare, “You REALLY think of all of it, THIS! THIS is what upsets me the most...what truly HURTs me the most?”
Words crammed inside his head, uselessly and he wished he would be the kind of person able to single out the right ones, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t for several seconds.
And so she ended up pressing her lips together, tightly, just averting her eyes; and maybe he even believed to spot them trembling lightly for a moment but then she was back doing as if he wasn’t even there and he was back feeling just a frustrated.
Even worse.
He cupped his hands before his mouth, desperate to get a grip and just stop being so damn paralyzed door the consequences. “Liz, listen to me…I know it sounds and looks bad, but I did care about us. I still do…”
But she could barely hold herself together any longer, and even if some part of her was still trying to struggle to no go there, apparently that part wasn’t strong enough to silence the other.
“Let me get this straight…” she said. Her voice was quivering lightly.
She got her breath, keeping on staring ahead, “First…we were friends” she said, chewing nervously her bottom lip. Her hart-, hart began to hammer, loudly even before the words had gotten out of her mouth.
Hugh let himself drop backwards against the table, watching her puckered “We still ARE vrienden Liz…we still can….”
“We WERE friends….” she repeated over the sound of his voice, not harshly but firmly enough to cause his voice to die “…for a considerable amount of time, in addition” she kept on “…so forgive me whether, gegeven our history, I feel treated as the least trusted person to get in touch in case of need…”
Everything, everything hurt her in that moment.
Every memory, every single moment they had shared.
Like grains of sand…just straggling…getting lost.
Hugh dropped his head down, clenching his hands tighter around the edge “Liz, I don’t…”
It felt like she was tumbling down inside even if she wasn’t even shaking, “THEN” she cut him off “…we have this sort of…May-December thing…”
Hugh swung his head, wincing “No, please. Don’t…just....don’t..” he shook his head “Don’t put it like that…that was never meant to…”
“…then your wife flies over to vis u out…” she managed.
He tossed his head backwards, biting his lips now “She didn’t fish me out…Don’t say like that…I wasn’t…”
“…we broke up…” she kept on relentlessly.
He sighed.
“…then we spend months without talking to each other…or better u do everything humanly possible to avoid talking to me truth to be told …”
Her tone was growing harsh, bitterer.
He squinted, lightly pressing his lips tightly “…that wasn’t intentional…” he hissed painfully “I thought u were better off…..”
“And THEN u shows up at my house…”
And now her very tone was giving away how she felt, how the writhing mass at the pit of her stomach hadn’t disentangled a bit. It shacked and cracked and could do nothing about it “….you shows up at my house making a scene ‘cause u have allegedly put off your ring and u expect me WHAT?”
Hugh lifted up his eyes, a deep sorrowful scowl carved on his face.
“…fling my arms around your neck and tell u that’s all ok?! That I forgive you?! “What should I forgive u anyway….” she added, shaking her head.
It felt like she was trembling like a leaf; for rage, disappointed, astonishment.
Love.
She didn’t know the answer.
What really should she forgive him for? His own hesitancies? What could he blame him for? Was there some part of her who wanted to?
But still everything about the last few months kept dancing behind her eyes and it kept setting her off like she couldn’t prevent herself from wanting to lash out, letting herself free of all of this…
“And then u want to be vrienden and I trust you…but NO, I should not. ‘Cause u go back pursuing me, chasing me….and then u start secret arrangements to get a divorce but again u just keep it from me…and of all of this…OF ALL OF THIS…”
She finally turned to meet his eyes once more. And they were flashing and if he hadn’t known this wasn’t the case, that she was just mad and door now really, truly hated him, he would say they were looking at him, much softly than the rest of her pretended not ot.
“OF ALL OF THIS….you think what I care about might any random woman u might have met of not of whether the press is rushing off your feet and allegedly off mine?!”
Hugh was wishing earth would slikken him. He was shattered in pieces.
And he didn’t know what to say anymore.
He could only ster at her, darkly, remaining glued to the table; and he was desperately wishing to be able to say something nice and gentle, something that might make her forget all about him.
All about them, over the last few months.
But there was not a single thing he had done that could make this right. Not a single thing he had told her which resembled the truth.
Jut not a single promised he had made to himself he had stayed truth.
She just wanted a friend and he had been nothing close to it. He had been craving for more, at every step, and he had just ended up ruining everything.
Her lips trembled, ever so slightly. She pursed them and their line curdled. She stared away.
“You really wanna know what truly bugs me?” she zei not looking at him.
He dropped his eyes, frowning just able to stare at his feet. “Liz, I know. I know it, ok? I let u down and I lied to you. I’m aware of that….” His hart-, hart felt like sinking a little lower still “You wanted I friend and I just kept… I was stubborn….I…”
Dried tears that she hadn’t even spilled yet pulled at her face “…it’s not that” she whispered. She closed her eyes “…it’s that I can’t trust you…”
He tipped his head to one side, wincing “…no, it’s not like that….I just wanted…I was trying to be your friend…I tried so hard, I…”
Lisa shook her head, “You always say I can but…I just can’t…”
He looked up, heaving a sigh, his voice low and quivering “…but no Liz, of course u can trust me, please….I just…...”
“No I can’t…” she said, tiredly. She brought one hand to her forehead, pinching between her eyes. “’cause u yourself just don’t know if u truly want me….”
Once again, the words simply slipped out of her mouth, like it would cost her too much effort continuing on keeping them to her.
Even if….even if they came hard to her.
And it was like another cold shower.
Just like another icy water jet suddenly whipping at his face with nothing as much as any short notice. Only this time rather than freezing blood in his veins it weirdly caused his hart-, hart to skip several bits and then it suddenly felt like he was back running a fever.
He looked up, his eyes unsurely moving to her.
“Wh….what?” he zei stumbling over the word.
Lisa made herself tinier, curling up to herself. She stared hard at the ground, frowning “You just keep doing this freaking dance of despair…” she muttered “…back and forth, back and forth between us and I just….and I just…I just can’t do this anymore…”
The picture. The picture he had thought to know was suddenly fizzling out before his very eyes, just changing: and he felt himself like gradually waking up from something of somewhere.
“…I just can’t keep asking me….” tears were really starting forming in her eyes now. She couldn’t struggle anymore “…can’t keep asking me what I really am for you…” she sighed, feeling like her likes were burning too now “…I just can’t…it’s using me up…”
It went on as a soft slowing down process this time.
His heart.
Like it had suddenly stop, but only to go off back pounding immediately after that. Very much slowly in the beginning, hammering rhythmically; then increasingly faster, meer and more, thudding, like it was getting frantic to get out.
Lisa kept staring down unable to look at him “…you wouldn’t be feeling so paralyzed in doing something, EVERYTHING if u were…”
Words died into her mouth.
“…if what we have was ….”
It was his fault.
Just his fault. All of it.
The way she felt right now, all this yelling, and then what she had been going through, the very decision to fly away maybe, what she was telling him right now…everything.
It was all his fault.
Everything was leaping up at him. His own uncertainties, his unspoken doubts and half-words, denied wishes and frustrated fears….everything.
It was all his fault.
He raised his eyes to her, “You think….you think I don’t know what I want…” he realized “that I’m not sure that I…”
But it was all he managed in that moment.
However something fluttered inside him; something suddenly lighting up again and going back burning. Slowly. Dim and flickering, for now, but blazing. Just glowing at the thought that she still, that despite of everything…
It was just….
Just that he had done everything wrong.
Just that….
just that she hadn’t understand a thing.
He kept keeping quiet and so when she felt it pressing again, she decided to muster up “Hugh, just listen to me…” she pushed back the lump in her throat, eyes always down staring at the ground, “I’m asking u this as personal favor…as a friend to me”
Hugh looked at her, half-dazed as her words echoed inside his head.
“…if u keep pulling at me….if u keep just doing this dance around me…” she zei in a faint voice “…I’ll just…”
Her voice quivered.
“I’ll just come back to you….” she had to get her breath “I’ll came back to you….‘cause… that’s…that's just the way it goes for us…” she swallowed “…for me at least when it comes to you…” she closed her eyes “…I just go back feeling…”
All of sudden, she silenced, staring down.
Her phone was buzzing in her pocket. She took it out and started scrolling, wincing.
Hugh felt his hart-, hart hammering loudly within his chest. He didn’t even care who that was “Liz…”
“David” she said, her voice forcedly flat and matter-of-facty “…we should go...you have to be set up. I need to get dressed…”
Her lips pressed into a tight line. That was it.
It was the moment she really had to do it.
It was just useless keep going like this. They were just torturing each other.
She zei it. “I think u should just go now…”
And then she went to head to her bedroom without turning, staring hard to the ground as she walked and he wished he knew what to say, he desperately wished he knew what to do. But he was just too stunned, too taken aback, too…
The best he managed was springing up uncertainly “No, Liz….wait a second, just give me…give me a moment…it’s not like u think…it’s…things aren’t like you…”
He tried to seize her hand, but she put it off escaping his as keeping on walking. She couldn’t stand this anymore.
“Hugh I really…I really rather u leaving…”
He tried to reach out to her once meer “No but you…you don’t understand. Nothing of what I did of didn’t was……”
“Hugh it’s ok….” she kept on walking backwards, quickly. Words were hard to her, but she just wanted him to leave her now. Leave her alone, for real this time. She couldn’t hold on anymore, “Go. We have a scene to shoot…” her hart-, hart bucked “…we…we’ll be ok…I just….we are friends...we’ll keep being friends…alright? Now go…I…I just…just don’t want to talk about anymore alright, alright? I need a moment…”
He edged vooruit, voorwaarts but words kept choking into his mouth.
He truly wished he knew what to do. Just the right thing to do, so she would know he had no doubts, no seconde thoughts….
He never had.
That had never been the issue.
There hadn’t been a single moment he hadn’t known what he wanted.
It was her.
It had always been her; but as he had keeping on trying to find out the right thing to do - for her, to himself, for everyone –time had passed door and…
And now she was standing door the door threshold already, almost past it, one of her hands clung onto the frame ready to go, but she saw the expression in his eyes and just kept leaving him like that “It’s ok. I’m ok Hugh. We’ll…be…just ok. Now that everything’s been zei once more…” she felt something dying within her “Just…just leave me, please…I need to get dress…”
The right thing to say. Just the right thing to make her see, to make her realize that he truly, really wanted her. The right thing to brush off her all those awful feelings she still had on her before he left and got ready to shoot this damn finale. Just the right thing to get her to see; to get her to catch a glimpse of the way he felt about her, what he saw when he looked at her, the way he felt her, right under his skin….
He saw the door staring to close on him.
And then he remained alone enshrouded door darkness once again.
He stared forward, without moving, as life passed him door and her words went round and round inside his read, ringing in his ears.
Leave her alone…
