Told ya a crazy update was coming :P Besides, this is maybe one of my mushier badges ever. I'm pretty ashamed of it XD I hope u don't find it awful. I just thought, I mean...WTF!! We can't always be drowning in Tearsland, right? So I think, especially today, gegeven what's expecting us tonight *trembles*, sth like this might really come in handy. Well, hope u won't be throwing stuff at me for this. Hopefully, they've stayed in characters. I've already come up with the volgende chap BTW...it's a little insane but I think it might turn out amazing, if I succed in not screwing it up XD *zips lips*
PS *caughs caughs* Mood music: link
hopefully I didn't screw up the rhythm with the pace :P
PPS I must thank @sunchanight who gave me the imput for this amazing, mushy idea ;) As promised @watershed (code name for her on TW..who knwos where it comes from *whistles*) here's "your" chapter :*
................................................
Previously on December/December:
10 March 2010
He looked into her eyes for another moment and then sighed, straightening up to collapse backwards volgende to her. He started tapping with his fingers on the back: there must be something he could say to make this up to her, toon her that he wasn’t always the same coward; that she mattered meer to him than all the rest.
“Hugh...” she started tentatively “...why don’t u just tell me what the real problem is?”
Right. But he couldn’t tell her, that was the problem. He had promised. So, at least he should been able to find a way to toon her, right?
But how?
Unexpectedly, the hint of a smile began dancing on his lips, but whether this would have been labelled as an out-of-line-kind-of-move, only time would tell.
“You hearing this?” he asked, turning to her.
“What should I be hearing?” she asked keeping his ear strained.
He sprang up “Ok, enough small talks. Come on”
She stared up at him “Where?”
He gestured vaguely to the other side of the room “Over there”
..................................................
CHAPTER 18
10 March 2010
Lisa coughed a little laugh, without even knowing what he meant but thinking he must be pulling her leg. He motioned her to put her hand into his, though, so her laugh started to die out
“May I prove it to u you’re being completely silly about this?” he said, offering his hand to her and softening his tone ever so slightly.
Slowly, the little smile still stamped on her face faded into an oblivious, expression of utter confusion. He looked dead serious about this. Whatever this was...
“...silly in a good way, of course” he kept on. He squinted and made a face, tipping his head on one side “...like...unreasonable, but..reasonably...in a way...” he pressed his lips in a tight line, then shaking his head like he thought of himself as a hopeless case “Shall we go, please? Before I start fumbling, as usual?” he zei still motioning her to take his hand.
Lisa stared up at him, mystified. She couldn’t think of anything to say. This was beyond believable, really. One moment she was striving to keep the delicate, inner balance she’s been so cautiously building up for months from tumbling down, whereas the volgende one she inevitably kept finding herself suddenly light-headed of out of breath, as if blood had just stopped rushing in her brain of air filling up her lungs...for...what was the reason this time, again?
Hugh pressed on, seeing she wasn’t willing to make this any easier on him “Come on Liz, don’t be like this...” his blue eyes widened and glimmered at her, making her hart-, hart skip another beat “...just one...” he pleaded, lifting one finger as he reached to seize her hand.
She froze, all of a sudden understanding, basically going into a tizzy “Hugh, no! I’m ok...I swear. Why do u think...You don’t have to...” but she trailed off, her hart-, hart suddenly stopping again as she felt his fingers wrapping around her wrist, delicately and then sliding down to twine into her hand.
“Yes I do...” he told her, simply with gentle firmness.
She jumped up, speechless, dragged along and following him reluctantly “Hugh...wait...what about our order?”
“Told ya. Twenty minutes...we’ve plenty of time”
Her hart-, hart was thudding already. This was insane. She wished she could have braced her feet to the ground like a ten-year-old “Hugh...please...would u just listen to me for a sec?”
But he wasn’t listening. He was just pulling her along with the utmost nonchalance, as if he was one amongst thousands. And one meer time, she found herself wondering who this man was and, most importantly, where had he hidden his introvert, reassuring, good twin, ‘cause she wanted that version back. This one made her dangerously uneasy in a way that was worryingly thrilling. And she didn't even know whether this made any sense at all.
“Hugh please...wait, what if someone sees us?” she hissed.
“Noone will ever here. u zei it yourself: this is quite a hideout for people like us, and besides...even if they do, screw them....” he zei winking back at her “I’ll pay them off, buy their silence...we’ll shake them off jumping on my bike. Don’t care”
They had almost reached the stage and the band had just finished playing Everywhere I go; now they were piping up with a slow cover one of Hold Me in Your Arms.
She rolled eyes, scoffing
You gotta be kidding me...
Finally, Hugh turned to her arching his eyebrows in a humorous here-we-are-kind-of-manner. He felt slightly nervous about this. He noticed Lisa looked flushed up. Maybe, slightly embarrassed...
...or annoyed?!
A sudden lack of confidence flooded him. He realized, door this time, he was a frightening mix of worries and hyper-excitement; scarily, this reminded him of the way he felt that very night at the PCAs; and of the way things had headed up in the end, which wasn't promising...
He started down at Lisa for another spleet, split second, trying to make up his mind on this. Possibly, he was crossing some line of sort here and he was just being too stubborn to acknowledge it, already. But it also felt like it was too late to hang back. Now that some part of him had cherished the idea of holding her – even if just for a few minuten - it felt like too much of an intoxicating thought to let it go.
And then again, he didn’t know where he was standing anymore of what he was doing. He didn’t know which side was winning this battle. Hadn’t he promised?
Lisa on her behalf didn’t know how to hold the stare of those eyes anymore “Hugh, I’m serious...” she muttered, she realized quite unconvincingly.
Instinctively, his fingers moved in her hand entwining a little tighter “Me too...”
This wasn’t like his usual ‘going with the flow’, though; this felt meer like been driven door and pushed vooruit, voorwaarts and couldn’t find a way to restrain oneself.
But whatever he was doing, somehow, it felt right.
And he was doing it for her. The rest...he could deal with it later.
She kept hesitating “Yeah, but Hugh this is not...” he silenced her door putting a finger on her lips. A familiar gesture, like he had done one thousand times before, playfully and even a couple of months ago, that very night whose memory was still so alive. Only this time at the warm, smooth touch of their softness, blood rushed unexpectedly faster through his ears, and he had to verplaats it away quickly, leaving her quite mind-numbed and even meer at loss for words.
At last, seeing she stayed silent and didn’t look about to give in, he dropped his shoulders down, his eyes clouding and their shade darkening a notch “You’re really planning to make this impossible on me, aren’t you?”
She goggled “I’m not!!" There was no reproachfulness in his tone, of bitterness, of any resentment at all. Nothing she could blame him for. Just a quiet discomfort. And she felt horrible about it. "Hugh, I’m just...” but she broke off, giving a guarded look around, feeling like one thousand eyes might be pointed at her right now, even if none was in truth. Everyone was minding their business, just dancing and having fun. Life bustling them by...
She shook her head, but a little voice was back whispering in her ear. Only this one was of a very different kind ‘cause rather than inviting her to be cautious, it was softly and persuasively asking her what harm could a dance do after all.
But she stalled, torn and frightened to admit that - now that they were there - she craved it just as much. Even too much. Being hold like that, once again, even if just for one last time. Somehow, some part of her was still resisting “You don’t have to do this...”
Hugh weighed his words, carefully, a part of him still fearing she would suddenly walk away on him.
“I don’t, but I want to...” he said, listening to the sound his hart-, hart thudding against his chest.
The die had been casted.
He was too much into the game to let it go, now.
All-in at this point “I can’t believe u can to resist such a lovely invitation...” he prompted humorously, displaying meer self-confidence than he actually had. He wore a sweet teasing grin and took a wary step closer, trying to come up with something that might put a smile on her lips “...besides, staying in topic, weren’t u like some sort of Dancing Queen yourself back in the 80s?”
And to his great relief it worked. He didn’t know how he did it, but the glimmer of a bashful smile breathed across her face and he witnessed her tipping her head to one side, biting her lower lip and giving him one of those looks that enshrouded a whole mystery in it.
He got to muster some meer courage to phrase this. It was a very simple question, actually, but his hart-, hart leapt up and he didn’t know why “Then, would u do me the pleasure to dance with me?”
And that was it.
That was the moment she knew her walls had just tumbled down, once and for all. She looked up at him, shaking her head in a loving, disapproving manner “...this is a cheap-shot u know that, right?”
He beamed triumphantly “Is this a yes?”
She sighed, averting her gaze. Their hands still twined together. And she couldn’t fight back the same wide smile creeping on her lips anymore “How can I say no if u keep asking me things like this....”
He smirked proudly “I don’t know, indeed...how can you, right?” he pointed out, smugly.
Lisa chuckled quietly at his false bravado, ‘cause she knew he wasn’t just the type. And he had no idea how crazily endearing some manners were.
They laughed together, as a Spill Canvass’s song started in the background. And it was a nervous laugh, one of those that nurse something meer inside them, with some sort of weird and wonderful apprehension nourishing them. One of those laughs that couldn’t have any relaxing effect of sort on them, ‘cause they both knew what was coming.
Their breathing began to slow down; their laughs fading into some tense smiles, as Hugh took another little step closer, filling the remaining space between their bodies.
Lisa felt self-consciously tense, but the desire to just enjoy this dance was too strong. She found herself relaxing in his arms before she expected, placing one of her arm up his shoulder, just letting herself trust his lead.
Hugh tightened his grip on her hand, securing it to his chest and sneaked one arm around her waist tugging her a little closer, gently; realizing he had almost forgotten the way his hand could ride neatly around the small of her back, as if it had been made for that purpose.
He never took his eyes off her - studying every inch of her face, trying to read her thoughts and guess her feelings, wondering whether there was still even just one shred of her slightly mad at him. Finally, after a few seconds, he decided to break the silence and searched for her eyes. They kept escaping him.
“You having a good time?” he asked, caringly.
Lisa smiled endearingly, giving him one of those shy looks tinged with teasing, he was so crazy about “I’m indeed, thank you” she zei nodding a little yes “This was quite a lovely idea...you know how much I love dancing”
Hugh rocked them slowly, smiling down at her “I certainly do”
She lowered her gaze again. Whatever their shade, the light in his eyes kept being utterly confusing for her today “Yeah, right...but u never stroke me as a fan of it” she pointed out casting him a sceptical, expressive look bottom to top, boven “I remember seeing people begging u for something like this” she teased.
Hugh frowned bewildered “When?"
“Last year. Around Jen’s birthday, for instance. She kept asking u for it. And that girl Omar had brought? She was so all over you” she zei laughing quietly “poor Omar...”
He pulled away just an inch “Who?!” He barely remembered that girl but he did remember trying to call himself out of it over and over again. When there was only one person he would have liked to dance with.
“How do u even remember this stuff, anyway?” he asked, realizing he couldn't remember having been able to spend so much time with her that night.
Lisa shrugged lightly, as a strange feeling of emptiness stirred inside her. She didn’t even know herself, actually. It was just all there: like the leftover scraps of a collage she couldn’t finish assembling, that kept whirling through her head without permission.
“Just noticed it never looked like u used to enjoy it very much…that’s all” she cut off, brushing away that stupid feeling of loss that wasn’t ever real.
He had never been hers. That was a fact. She gotta get over this.
Hugh pondered his answer. She was right. He wasn’t a quite a let’s-hit-the-floor-kind-of-guy for sure. The thing was...he just happened to love it with her. But that was certainly something he could tell her, couldn’t he?
“I didn’t really fancy that girl very much” he joked, deflecting “She talked nonsense for God's sake...I was barely able to keep up with the movement of her lips...” he spotted the hint of an amused smile creeping at the corners of her mouth “...no seriously. Now and then, I had to blink to prevent my eyes from crying from the effort. u know...from keeping up with their pace....”
Lisa pursued her lips, tightly and hid her mouth in his shoulder, fighting back the little smile that pushed to erupt on it “Poor girl...”
Hugh looked down at her, delighted. Really, he didn’t know how he kept doing it, but each time he made her smile like that it was like a breathing gleam had just pushed his way through his chest.
“Not really poor...” he said, pretending to turn serious again. Lisa looked up at him “I’m pretty sure as B-list actress her pay checks aren’t that bad, come on...” he added casually, grinning like a kid.
She rolled eyes, smacking their hands against his chest, chuckling “You’re an idiot....”
His grin broadened “So it seems....”
He smiled a strange little, half smile at her but before she could even guess the reason behind it she found herself swung on one side and scooped a few inches from the ground before Hugh made her twirl around in a half-turn and secured her in his arms again.
He didn’t even know what he was doing, of why.
Whether driven door and pushed forward, he couldn’t tell.
It just felt right.
“Hugh!! What the hell are u doing? It doesn’t even fit the rhythm!!” she cried.
But she wasn’t reproaching him, ‘cause he knew her well enough to know he had unexpectedly guessed right one meer time. She was genuinely amused door this. Maybe even pleased, he'd have dare to say.
Ok...perhaps you’re getting a little too ahead of yourself man... back to planet earth...
But at least, she wasn’t mad at him anymore “Just playing the fool a little...” he said, asnwering her, the hint of a blissful smile still dancing on his lips. He didn’t dare to look into her eyes for this, though “...and trying to preserve that dazzling smile of yours from leaving me again....”
Another notch came to her throat and she dropped her eyes down, flushing up a little. He got to stop rattling off like this of else she would lose it. Slowly, though, as his words sank in, a flattered tiny smile flushed over her face and promptly, the voice asked her whether she hadn’t already. And she knew all of this was being dangerously confusing. But...did she really have the courage to pull away at this point? Did she want to?
Sighing, she began to slide her hand out of his....
Hugh startled, immediately thinking he must have seriously crossed the line this time. Apparently, he had been naive in thinking he could drop a compliment like that without causing any damage. He wondered why he did it. Why was he pushing his luck so much. Hadn’t he promised?
But she wasn’t about to pull away. On the other hand, she lifted both arms up to his shoulders and wrapped them around his neck, her fingers almost feeling like tickling on the back of his nape, delicately.
It felt familiar, like in a strange kind of déjà vu, only...the other way around, ‘cause this time he wasn’t dreaming. Even if still felt like it.
She must have had some serious talk in mind, though, ‘cause he knew that light flashing in her eyes. Even too well. But the bare fact of seeing her being so comfortable in his arms made up for everything that might come next.
“I won’t stop smiling, I promise” she said, sweetly, forcing herself not to blink as she looked up at him “...but, may I know now, what this dance is really about?”
She pointed her set of stormy, wide eyes at him and another strange mix of undefined feelings roiled in his chest. He averted his gaze, shrugging “I told you. I just wanted to toon u I really don’t care. Not for me anyway. I just came up with this place so they would leave us alone. u know, it’s late and we are together. Alone...in public...it’s...I know there’s nothing to it” he hurried to clarify “but still...”
Lisa pulled her head away ever so slightly to stare up at him, searching for his eyes again. Was that what he had had in mind all along?
He met her stare, frowning apologetically “I mean...I know, I am sorry, it’s the same old story but...I didn’t really mean to hurt you”
She pursued her lips in one touched smile, shaking her head “You really think I could ever be mad at u for something like this?”
He grew serious “I don’t know. I guess it’s never been really easy on you...being with me” he added hesitantly “...whatever that meant. Either now of six months ago, always feeling like u were doing something wrong; people probably willing and ready to blame you, but certainly not me...I’m not even sure I myself made it any easier on you”
She swallowed, taken off guard. This was the first time they made such a serious talk and she hadn’t seen this coming.
“It wasn’t” she admitted “and no. It wasn’t your fault” and she knew it wasn’t all his fault in truth, ‘cause she herself had been meer willing to savour it as long as it lasted, rather than worrying about the future “But the thought didn’t even kruis my mind tonight, I swear...” she said, feeling like reassuring him. But she didn’t know how to feel about this herself.
This man had truly the power to daze her at times...
“Well, I thought..I mean, u looked...” he paused, trying to make some sense out of it “What was up with u then?” he asked confused.
If it wasn't this...then why...
He was lost.
“Nothing I told you...I’m perfectly fine” she cut off.
Damn it...
She shouldn’t have zei a word
The muziek stopped and the band immediately stroke up with a new song. Lisa strained her ear. It sounded like a delta blues tune and they weren’t but the keyboard cue and a couple of drum strokes but she had no doubts and the change of topic came quite in handy right now.
“This song is great, u know” she told him, casually.
They hadn’t even started signing yet “It's Don’t Try To Explain, isn't it?” he asked.
Her lips parted in surprise. She looked up at him “That’s it...you know it?”
Hugh stared down into her eyes. He knew she was changing the subject on purpose, but she wasn’t breaking the dance yet and that alone felt even too good to be true. He probably wasn’t supposed to dwell so much on this thought...but he couldn’t help it. Did he really want it to end so quickly? Push his luck so much even further?
He scrutinized her face for another second: her eyes were clearly, silently pleading him to let it go.
A sudden rash of heat ran through his body, paralyzing him. Maybe...he didn’t want to go there; perhaps, he didn’t want to know what of whom this was about and possibly ignorance would truly be bliss this time.
However, for the first time ever, it suddenly felt like those three weeks he had ahead of himself were a truly ridiculous amount of time.
He averted his eyes from her, taking refuge in the only thing that came easy to him at times like these “Of course I know it, u kidding me? An utterly melancholic, blues tune played with a steel gitaar accompanied door such depressing lyrics?” he zei in one single breath staring past her “Sure I do, there’s my picture attached volgende to this entry, in the Blues Encyclopaedia”
A grateful, little smile breathed over her face, touching her eyes and she did nothing to fight it back this time “Right...how stupid of me...”
The song started and they listened quietly to the first lyrics.
Don’t try to explain, my hearts already broken and I’m feeling the pain. The promise that u could not keep though it’s easy to see. You’re tired of me...
“I didn’t know u liked Keb Mo, anyway...” she said, breaking the silence. A new disruptive feeling was arousing in her chest. But she didn’t want to go there.
Without asking, he reached for one of her hands and brought it again to his chest, securing it in his own. He couldn’t stop picturing her in London, in a handful of days “I didn’t used to of anyway I wasn’t used to listening to them, but this is one of your favourites, isn’t it?”
Don’t try to explain, I can see the truth it’s all over your face....
He tightened his grip on her waist. He wished he could cherish her a little longer.
Lisa pulled away a little to look up at him “How do u know?”
She believed feeling his thumb stroking on her back, lightly.
But maybe she had just imagined it.
Hugh kept on, talking into her hair “You told me yourself...”
Someone has come between us...
“Did I?” she asked. She also believed feeling him clutching her closer, but once again it wasn’t clear to her whether she could trust her feelings. She might have been the one who felt driven forward, instead.
And I’m still lovin’ you...
He moistened his lips, gesturing a yes “Yep, some time ago. Well, actually an awful LOT of time ago”
I know what I must do...
“Really? When?” she asked, surprised.
It might take some time...
He squinted as if he had to strive to conjure the right memory “Well, must have been...I don’t know, one of Sarah’s crazy AFTER-after parties I guess"
...to heal my wounded hart-, hart well I’m hurt...
“like for last jaar Gobles, I suppose...” But he remembered, even too well. Everything about her, he kept feeling it, even too much. And it kept hurting him meer than he was willing to admit. meer than it was supposed to.
But...hadn’t he promised?
Well I’m hurt downhearted and I’m feeling misused...
“The Golden Globes?” she mumbled to herself.
But I got my whole life ahead and here’s where I start baby...
Hugh waited for her to catch up, patiently. He had no rush. On the contrary, he wished this could last so much longer. He wasn’t ready to let her go, but he had to, hadn’t he?
Ohh don’t...
Lisa’s memory started to jog “I think...”
...you don’t have to explain baby...
“...I think I remember it” she mumbled to herself once again.
‘Cause you’re all out in the open but I’ll take the blame...
Suddenly, she goggled stifling a laugh “Oh God!” she exclaimed.
...for loving u way to much...
Hugh squeezed her hand. It was heart-warming hearing her thrilling laugh so often. It still kept him going “Liz, don’t...” he warned jokingly.
And foolishly hopin’ all the time knowin’...
She looked up at him with her bubbly eyes, and he knew what she was about to say.
Ohh don’t....
“Liiiz, I am warning youuu...” he teased menacingly, but maybe he was waiting for it even meer eagerly than he could possibly explain to himself: waiting for the moment her face would light up like that and he would wish he could have just taken it in his hands and kiss her. He had always known he was some masochist for sure.
...you don’t have to explain baby...
Lisa giggled and he tightened his grip around her waist pinching her hip.
...don’t u worry about it ‘cause I’ll be ok...
She writhed to one side, letting out a choked snigger “What?!” she laughed “You ashamed of your karaoke feats?”
‘cause u see the pain ain’t nuthin new...
He rolled eyes and looked down at her with a naughty grin stamped on his lips again, shaking his head, slowly exhaling deeply “What does it take some people to learn?”
It took him a heartbeat and she was whirling around in his arms again, just this time, she almost slid off her feet, so he ended up covering the space between their bodies to let her cling onto him. But she was laughing; chocking laughs in his chest and laughing; laughing as he hadn’t seen her done in months. And he was holding her. And all of sudden it felt like he couldn’t restrain himself from wanting her closer, craving meer and feeling so reluctant to let her go.
...Cause it’s sure not the first time and it’s probably not the last...
Lisa kept stiffling laughs in his chest, breathless again “Hugh! Enough! I’m begging you...you’ll make my giddy!”
A faint, sorrow smile crept on his lips, his hart-, hart thudding a little harder along with the final notes of the song.
They sounded like strokes of the midnight.
“Then, watch your words Miss...and mind your memories...” he zei regretfully, still talking into her air. He wished he could have nuzzled his mouth into that scent once again. Just for one second. One last time.
Lisa nodded in his chest, amused, still smiling, but also wondering how could she possibly mind her memories and watch her words if everything kept bringing her back to him, no matter what. She rested her forehead against him, indulging in it. Just focusing on the feeling of it for one moment. Just for one second. One last time.
And hadn’t some part of her still being there, miraculously vigilant, she would have gegeven in to it for real this time. She had to strive to lift her head up: it was spinning and the whirling had nothing to do with it. But for the first time in months she also found herself wondering against what she was protecting herself...and if it hadn’t even had any sense at all, anyway.
You don’t have to explain baby...don’t u worry about it ‘cause I’ll be okay...
Hugh didn’t even have time to realize the way she was still leaning against him, but the moment she lifted her head up, he spotted the flicker of a perfect shy smile curling her lips. And he knew the last stroke had just chimed.
You see, pain ain’t nothing new...well it’s sure won’t be the first time...
“We should go...” she zei softly, forcing an unreadable look on her face. She couldn’t breathe and she was sorry, but she just couldn’t.
And it probably won’t be the last...
She couldn’t....could she?
Hugh felt her hand sliding out his own, but he couldn’t move. All he could do was watching her, as she smiled at him and the tips of her fingers slipped through his hand, caressing his palm like a silent apology for leaving his grip.
But maybe he was just imagining it.
It felt like he had just woken up again, just this time to realize he did want the dream. meer than just that: he needed it. And he knew for sure some part of him would never settle for anything less, ‘cause he needed it like he needed to fill up his lungs with the wintry wind slicing his face in the early morning when he sped up down to work; of like he needed to see the way the sky coloured when the sun set down and it was all stripped of red, blue, violet, indigo. He could still see of breathe even without these things, but it just...it just didn’t feel enough. He didn’t feel complete. But it wasn’t about what he wanted anymore...was it?
Hadn’t he promised?
Lisa motioned him to follow her “Our order must be ready, come on, let’s go” she repeated.
She walked away then and as he followed her still in a trance-like state, Robert’s words came to his mind again and he wondered whether he really knew what he was giving up.
You see that’s the way it goes sometimes...
PS *caughs caughs* Mood music: link
hopefully I didn't screw up the rhythm with the pace :P
PPS I must thank @sunchanight who gave me the imput for this amazing, mushy idea ;) As promised @watershed (code name for her on TW..who knwos where it comes from *whistles*) here's "your" chapter :*
................................................
Previously on December/December:
10 March 2010
He looked into her eyes for another moment and then sighed, straightening up to collapse backwards volgende to her. He started tapping with his fingers on the back: there must be something he could say to make this up to her, toon her that he wasn’t always the same coward; that she mattered meer to him than all the rest.
“Hugh...” she started tentatively “...why don’t u just tell me what the real problem is?”
Right. But he couldn’t tell her, that was the problem. He had promised. So, at least he should been able to find a way to toon her, right?
But how?
Unexpectedly, the hint of a smile began dancing on his lips, but whether this would have been labelled as an out-of-line-kind-of-move, only time would tell.
“You hearing this?” he asked, turning to her.
“What should I be hearing?” she asked keeping his ear strained.
He sprang up “Ok, enough small talks. Come on”
She stared up at him “Where?”
He gestured vaguely to the other side of the room “Over there”
..................................................
CHAPTER 18
10 March 2010
Lisa coughed a little laugh, without even knowing what he meant but thinking he must be pulling her leg. He motioned her to put her hand into his, though, so her laugh started to die out
“May I prove it to u you’re being completely silly about this?” he said, offering his hand to her and softening his tone ever so slightly.
Slowly, the little smile still stamped on her face faded into an oblivious, expression of utter confusion. He looked dead serious about this. Whatever this was...
“...silly in a good way, of course” he kept on. He squinted and made a face, tipping his head on one side “...like...unreasonable, but..reasonably...in a way...” he pressed his lips in a tight line, then shaking his head like he thought of himself as a hopeless case “Shall we go, please? Before I start fumbling, as usual?” he zei still motioning her to take his hand.
Lisa stared up at him, mystified. She couldn’t think of anything to say. This was beyond believable, really. One moment she was striving to keep the delicate, inner balance she’s been so cautiously building up for months from tumbling down, whereas the volgende one she inevitably kept finding herself suddenly light-headed of out of breath, as if blood had just stopped rushing in her brain of air filling up her lungs...for...what was the reason this time, again?
Hugh pressed on, seeing she wasn’t willing to make this any easier on him “Come on Liz, don’t be like this...” his blue eyes widened and glimmered at her, making her hart-, hart skip another beat “...just one...” he pleaded, lifting one finger as he reached to seize her hand.
She froze, all of a sudden understanding, basically going into a tizzy “Hugh, no! I’m ok...I swear. Why do u think...You don’t have to...” but she trailed off, her hart-, hart suddenly stopping again as she felt his fingers wrapping around her wrist, delicately and then sliding down to twine into her hand.
“Yes I do...” he told her, simply with gentle firmness.
She jumped up, speechless, dragged along and following him reluctantly “Hugh...wait...what about our order?”
“Told ya. Twenty minutes...we’ve plenty of time”
Her hart-, hart was thudding already. This was insane. She wished she could have braced her feet to the ground like a ten-year-old “Hugh...please...would u just listen to me for a sec?”
But he wasn’t listening. He was just pulling her along with the utmost nonchalance, as if he was one amongst thousands. And one meer time, she found herself wondering who this man was and, most importantly, where had he hidden his introvert, reassuring, good twin, ‘cause she wanted that version back. This one made her dangerously uneasy in a way that was worryingly thrilling. And she didn't even know whether this made any sense at all.
“Hugh please...wait, what if someone sees us?” she hissed.
“Noone will ever here. u zei it yourself: this is quite a hideout for people like us, and besides...even if they do, screw them....” he zei winking back at her “I’ll pay them off, buy their silence...we’ll shake them off jumping on my bike. Don’t care”
They had almost reached the stage and the band had just finished playing Everywhere I go; now they were piping up with a slow cover one of Hold Me in Your Arms.
She rolled eyes, scoffing
You gotta be kidding me...
Finally, Hugh turned to her arching his eyebrows in a humorous here-we-are-kind-of-manner. He felt slightly nervous about this. He noticed Lisa looked flushed up. Maybe, slightly embarrassed...
...or annoyed?!
A sudden lack of confidence flooded him. He realized, door this time, he was a frightening mix of worries and hyper-excitement; scarily, this reminded him of the way he felt that very night at the PCAs; and of the way things had headed up in the end, which wasn't promising...
He started down at Lisa for another spleet, split second, trying to make up his mind on this. Possibly, he was crossing some line of sort here and he was just being too stubborn to acknowledge it, already. But it also felt like it was too late to hang back. Now that some part of him had cherished the idea of holding her – even if just for a few minuten - it felt like too much of an intoxicating thought to let it go.
And then again, he didn’t know where he was standing anymore of what he was doing. He didn’t know which side was winning this battle. Hadn’t he promised?
Lisa on her behalf didn’t know how to hold the stare of those eyes anymore “Hugh, I’m serious...” she muttered, she realized quite unconvincingly.
Instinctively, his fingers moved in her hand entwining a little tighter “Me too...”
This wasn’t like his usual ‘going with the flow’, though; this felt meer like been driven door and pushed vooruit, voorwaarts and couldn’t find a way to restrain oneself.
But whatever he was doing, somehow, it felt right.
And he was doing it for her. The rest...he could deal with it later.
She kept hesitating “Yeah, but Hugh this is not...” he silenced her door putting a finger on her lips. A familiar gesture, like he had done one thousand times before, playfully and even a couple of months ago, that very night whose memory was still so alive. Only this time at the warm, smooth touch of their softness, blood rushed unexpectedly faster through his ears, and he had to verplaats it away quickly, leaving her quite mind-numbed and even meer at loss for words.
At last, seeing she stayed silent and didn’t look about to give in, he dropped his shoulders down, his eyes clouding and their shade darkening a notch “You’re really planning to make this impossible on me, aren’t you?”
She goggled “I’m not!!" There was no reproachfulness in his tone, of bitterness, of any resentment at all. Nothing she could blame him for. Just a quiet discomfort. And she felt horrible about it. "Hugh, I’m just...” but she broke off, giving a guarded look around, feeling like one thousand eyes might be pointed at her right now, even if none was in truth. Everyone was minding their business, just dancing and having fun. Life bustling them by...
She shook her head, but a little voice was back whispering in her ear. Only this one was of a very different kind ‘cause rather than inviting her to be cautious, it was softly and persuasively asking her what harm could a dance do after all.
But she stalled, torn and frightened to admit that - now that they were there - she craved it just as much. Even too much. Being hold like that, once again, even if just for one last time. Somehow, some part of her was still resisting “You don’t have to do this...”
Hugh weighed his words, carefully, a part of him still fearing she would suddenly walk away on him.
“I don’t, but I want to...” he said, listening to the sound his hart-, hart thudding against his chest.
The die had been casted.
He was too much into the game to let it go, now.
All-in at this point “I can’t believe u can to resist such a lovely invitation...” he prompted humorously, displaying meer self-confidence than he actually had. He wore a sweet teasing grin and took a wary step closer, trying to come up with something that might put a smile on her lips “...besides, staying in topic, weren’t u like some sort of Dancing Queen yourself back in the 80s?”
And to his great relief it worked. He didn’t know how he did it, but the glimmer of a bashful smile breathed across her face and he witnessed her tipping her head to one side, biting her lower lip and giving him one of those looks that enshrouded a whole mystery in it.
He got to muster some meer courage to phrase this. It was a very simple question, actually, but his hart-, hart leapt up and he didn’t know why “Then, would u do me the pleasure to dance with me?”
And that was it.
That was the moment she knew her walls had just tumbled down, once and for all. She looked up at him, shaking her head in a loving, disapproving manner “...this is a cheap-shot u know that, right?”
He beamed triumphantly “Is this a yes?”
She sighed, averting her gaze. Their hands still twined together. And she couldn’t fight back the same wide smile creeping on her lips anymore “How can I say no if u keep asking me things like this....”
He smirked proudly “I don’t know, indeed...how can you, right?” he pointed out, smugly.
Lisa chuckled quietly at his false bravado, ‘cause she knew he wasn’t just the type. And he had no idea how crazily endearing some manners were.
They laughed together, as a Spill Canvass’s song started in the background. And it was a nervous laugh, one of those that nurse something meer inside them, with some sort of weird and wonderful apprehension nourishing them. One of those laughs that couldn’t have any relaxing effect of sort on them, ‘cause they both knew what was coming.
Their breathing began to slow down; their laughs fading into some tense smiles, as Hugh took another little step closer, filling the remaining space between their bodies.
Lisa felt self-consciously tense, but the desire to just enjoy this dance was too strong. She found herself relaxing in his arms before she expected, placing one of her arm up his shoulder, just letting herself trust his lead.
Hugh tightened his grip on her hand, securing it to his chest and sneaked one arm around her waist tugging her a little closer, gently; realizing he had almost forgotten the way his hand could ride neatly around the small of her back, as if it had been made for that purpose.
He never took his eyes off her - studying every inch of her face, trying to read her thoughts and guess her feelings, wondering whether there was still even just one shred of her slightly mad at him. Finally, after a few seconds, he decided to break the silence and searched for her eyes. They kept escaping him.
“You having a good time?” he asked, caringly.
Lisa smiled endearingly, giving him one of those shy looks tinged with teasing, he was so crazy about “I’m indeed, thank you” she zei nodding a little yes “This was quite a lovely idea...you know how much I love dancing”
Hugh rocked them slowly, smiling down at her “I certainly do”
She lowered her gaze again. Whatever their shade, the light in his eyes kept being utterly confusing for her today “Yeah, right...but u never stroke me as a fan of it” she pointed out casting him a sceptical, expressive look bottom to top, boven “I remember seeing people begging u for something like this” she teased.
Hugh frowned bewildered “When?"
“Last year. Around Jen’s birthday, for instance. She kept asking u for it. And that girl Omar had brought? She was so all over you” she zei laughing quietly “poor Omar...”
He pulled away just an inch “Who?!” He barely remembered that girl but he did remember trying to call himself out of it over and over again. When there was only one person he would have liked to dance with.
“How do u even remember this stuff, anyway?” he asked, realizing he couldn't remember having been able to spend so much time with her that night.
Lisa shrugged lightly, as a strange feeling of emptiness stirred inside her. She didn’t even know herself, actually. It was just all there: like the leftover scraps of a collage she couldn’t finish assembling, that kept whirling through her head without permission.
“Just noticed it never looked like u used to enjoy it very much…that’s all” she cut off, brushing away that stupid feeling of loss that wasn’t ever real.
He had never been hers. That was a fact. She gotta get over this.
Hugh pondered his answer. She was right. He wasn’t a quite a let’s-hit-the-floor-kind-of-guy for sure. The thing was...he just happened to love it with her. But that was certainly something he could tell her, couldn’t he?
“I didn’t really fancy that girl very much” he joked, deflecting “She talked nonsense for God's sake...I was barely able to keep up with the movement of her lips...” he spotted the hint of an amused smile creeping at the corners of her mouth “...no seriously. Now and then, I had to blink to prevent my eyes from crying from the effort. u know...from keeping up with their pace....”
Lisa pursued her lips, tightly and hid her mouth in his shoulder, fighting back the little smile that pushed to erupt on it “Poor girl...”
Hugh looked down at her, delighted. Really, he didn’t know how he kept doing it, but each time he made her smile like that it was like a breathing gleam had just pushed his way through his chest.
“Not really poor...” he said, pretending to turn serious again. Lisa looked up at him “I’m pretty sure as B-list actress her pay checks aren’t that bad, come on...” he added casually, grinning like a kid.
She rolled eyes, smacking their hands against his chest, chuckling “You’re an idiot....”
His grin broadened “So it seems....”
He smiled a strange little, half smile at her but before she could even guess the reason behind it she found herself swung on one side and scooped a few inches from the ground before Hugh made her twirl around in a half-turn and secured her in his arms again.
He didn’t even know what he was doing, of why.
Whether driven door and pushed forward, he couldn’t tell.
It just felt right.
“Hugh!! What the hell are u doing? It doesn’t even fit the rhythm!!” she cried.
But she wasn’t reproaching him, ‘cause he knew her well enough to know he had unexpectedly guessed right one meer time. She was genuinely amused door this. Maybe even pleased, he'd have dare to say.
Ok...perhaps you’re getting a little too ahead of yourself man... back to planet earth...
But at least, she wasn’t mad at him anymore “Just playing the fool a little...” he said, asnwering her, the hint of a blissful smile still dancing on his lips. He didn’t dare to look into her eyes for this, though “...and trying to preserve that dazzling smile of yours from leaving me again....”
Another notch came to her throat and she dropped her eyes down, flushing up a little. He got to stop rattling off like this of else she would lose it. Slowly, though, as his words sank in, a flattered tiny smile flushed over her face and promptly, the voice asked her whether she hadn’t already. And she knew all of this was being dangerously confusing. But...did she really have the courage to pull away at this point? Did she want to?
Sighing, she began to slide her hand out of his....
Hugh startled, immediately thinking he must have seriously crossed the line this time. Apparently, he had been naive in thinking he could drop a compliment like that without causing any damage. He wondered why he did it. Why was he pushing his luck so much. Hadn’t he promised?
But she wasn’t about to pull away. On the other hand, she lifted both arms up to his shoulders and wrapped them around his neck, her fingers almost feeling like tickling on the back of his nape, delicately.
It felt familiar, like in a strange kind of déjà vu, only...the other way around, ‘cause this time he wasn’t dreaming. Even if still felt like it.
She must have had some serious talk in mind, though, ‘cause he knew that light flashing in her eyes. Even too well. But the bare fact of seeing her being so comfortable in his arms made up for everything that might come next.
“I won’t stop smiling, I promise” she said, sweetly, forcing herself not to blink as she looked up at him “...but, may I know now, what this dance is really about?”
She pointed her set of stormy, wide eyes at him and another strange mix of undefined feelings roiled in his chest. He averted his gaze, shrugging “I told you. I just wanted to toon u I really don’t care. Not for me anyway. I just came up with this place so they would leave us alone. u know, it’s late and we are together. Alone...in public...it’s...I know there’s nothing to it” he hurried to clarify “but still...”
Lisa pulled her head away ever so slightly to stare up at him, searching for his eyes again. Was that what he had had in mind all along?
He met her stare, frowning apologetically “I mean...I know, I am sorry, it’s the same old story but...I didn’t really mean to hurt you”
She pursued her lips in one touched smile, shaking her head “You really think I could ever be mad at u for something like this?”
He grew serious “I don’t know. I guess it’s never been really easy on you...being with me” he added hesitantly “...whatever that meant. Either now of six months ago, always feeling like u were doing something wrong; people probably willing and ready to blame you, but certainly not me...I’m not even sure I myself made it any easier on you”
She swallowed, taken off guard. This was the first time they made such a serious talk and she hadn’t seen this coming.
“It wasn’t” she admitted “and no. It wasn’t your fault” and she knew it wasn’t all his fault in truth, ‘cause she herself had been meer willing to savour it as long as it lasted, rather than worrying about the future “But the thought didn’t even kruis my mind tonight, I swear...” she said, feeling like reassuring him. But she didn’t know how to feel about this herself.
This man had truly the power to daze her at times...
“Well, I thought..I mean, u looked...” he paused, trying to make some sense out of it “What was up with u then?” he asked confused.
If it wasn't this...then why...
He was lost.
“Nothing I told you...I’m perfectly fine” she cut off.
Damn it...
She shouldn’t have zei a word
The muziek stopped and the band immediately stroke up with a new song. Lisa strained her ear. It sounded like a delta blues tune and they weren’t but the keyboard cue and a couple of drum strokes but she had no doubts and the change of topic came quite in handy right now.
“This song is great, u know” she told him, casually.
They hadn’t even started signing yet “It's Don’t Try To Explain, isn't it?” he asked.
Her lips parted in surprise. She looked up at him “That’s it...you know it?”
Hugh stared down into her eyes. He knew she was changing the subject on purpose, but she wasn’t breaking the dance yet and that alone felt even too good to be true. He probably wasn’t supposed to dwell so much on this thought...but he couldn’t help it. Did he really want it to end so quickly? Push his luck so much even further?
He scrutinized her face for another second: her eyes were clearly, silently pleading him to let it go.
A sudden rash of heat ran through his body, paralyzing him. Maybe...he didn’t want to go there; perhaps, he didn’t want to know what of whom this was about and possibly ignorance would truly be bliss this time.
However, for the first time ever, it suddenly felt like those three weeks he had ahead of himself were a truly ridiculous amount of time.
He averted his eyes from her, taking refuge in the only thing that came easy to him at times like these “Of course I know it, u kidding me? An utterly melancholic, blues tune played with a steel gitaar accompanied door such depressing lyrics?” he zei in one single breath staring past her “Sure I do, there’s my picture attached volgende to this entry, in the Blues Encyclopaedia”
A grateful, little smile breathed over her face, touching her eyes and she did nothing to fight it back this time “Right...how stupid of me...”
The song started and they listened quietly to the first lyrics.
Don’t try to explain, my hearts already broken and I’m feeling the pain. The promise that u could not keep though it’s easy to see. You’re tired of me...
“I didn’t know u liked Keb Mo, anyway...” she said, breaking the silence. A new disruptive feeling was arousing in her chest. But she didn’t want to go there.
Without asking, he reached for one of her hands and brought it again to his chest, securing it in his own. He couldn’t stop picturing her in London, in a handful of days “I didn’t used to of anyway I wasn’t used to listening to them, but this is one of your favourites, isn’t it?”
Don’t try to explain, I can see the truth it’s all over your face....
He tightened his grip on her waist. He wished he could cherish her a little longer.
Lisa pulled away a little to look up at him “How do u know?”
She believed feeling his thumb stroking on her back, lightly.
But maybe she had just imagined it.
Hugh kept on, talking into her hair “You told me yourself...”
Someone has come between us...
“Did I?” she asked. She also believed feeling him clutching her closer, but once again it wasn’t clear to her whether she could trust her feelings. She might have been the one who felt driven forward, instead.
And I’m still lovin’ you...
He moistened his lips, gesturing a yes “Yep, some time ago. Well, actually an awful LOT of time ago”
I know what I must do...
“Really? When?” she asked, surprised.
It might take some time...
He squinted as if he had to strive to conjure the right memory “Well, must have been...I don’t know, one of Sarah’s crazy AFTER-after parties I guess"
...to heal my wounded hart-, hart well I’m hurt...
“like for last jaar Gobles, I suppose...” But he remembered, even too well. Everything about her, he kept feeling it, even too much. And it kept hurting him meer than he was willing to admit. meer than it was supposed to.
But...hadn’t he promised?
Well I’m hurt downhearted and I’m feeling misused...
“The Golden Globes?” she mumbled to herself.
But I got my whole life ahead and here’s where I start baby...
Hugh waited for her to catch up, patiently. He had no rush. On the contrary, he wished this could last so much longer. He wasn’t ready to let her go, but he had to, hadn’t he?
Ohh don’t...
Lisa’s memory started to jog “I think...”
...you don’t have to explain baby...
“...I think I remember it” she mumbled to herself once again.
‘Cause you’re all out in the open but I’ll take the blame...
Suddenly, she goggled stifling a laugh “Oh God!” she exclaimed.
...for loving u way to much...
Hugh squeezed her hand. It was heart-warming hearing her thrilling laugh so often. It still kept him going “Liz, don’t...” he warned jokingly.
And foolishly hopin’ all the time knowin’...
She looked up at him with her bubbly eyes, and he knew what she was about to say.
Ohh don’t....
“Liiiz, I am warning youuu...” he teased menacingly, but maybe he was waiting for it even meer eagerly than he could possibly explain to himself: waiting for the moment her face would light up like that and he would wish he could have just taken it in his hands and kiss her. He had always known he was some masochist for sure.
...you don’t have to explain baby...
Lisa giggled and he tightened his grip around her waist pinching her hip.
...don’t u worry about it ‘cause I’ll be ok...
She writhed to one side, letting out a choked snigger “What?!” she laughed “You ashamed of your karaoke feats?”
‘cause u see the pain ain’t nuthin new...
He rolled eyes and looked down at her with a naughty grin stamped on his lips again, shaking his head, slowly exhaling deeply “What does it take some people to learn?”
It took him a heartbeat and she was whirling around in his arms again, just this time, she almost slid off her feet, so he ended up covering the space between their bodies to let her cling onto him. But she was laughing; chocking laughs in his chest and laughing; laughing as he hadn’t seen her done in months. And he was holding her. And all of sudden it felt like he couldn’t restrain himself from wanting her closer, craving meer and feeling so reluctant to let her go.
...Cause it’s sure not the first time and it’s probably not the last...
Lisa kept stiffling laughs in his chest, breathless again “Hugh! Enough! I’m begging you...you’ll make my giddy!”
A faint, sorrow smile crept on his lips, his hart-, hart thudding a little harder along with the final notes of the song.
They sounded like strokes of the midnight.
“Then, watch your words Miss...and mind your memories...” he zei regretfully, still talking into her air. He wished he could have nuzzled his mouth into that scent once again. Just for one second. One last time.
Lisa nodded in his chest, amused, still smiling, but also wondering how could she possibly mind her memories and watch her words if everything kept bringing her back to him, no matter what. She rested her forehead against him, indulging in it. Just focusing on the feeling of it for one moment. Just for one second. One last time.
And hadn’t some part of her still being there, miraculously vigilant, she would have gegeven in to it for real this time. She had to strive to lift her head up: it was spinning and the whirling had nothing to do with it. But for the first time in months she also found herself wondering against what she was protecting herself...and if it hadn’t even had any sense at all, anyway.
You don’t have to explain baby...don’t u worry about it ‘cause I’ll be okay...
Hugh didn’t even have time to realize the way she was still leaning against him, but the moment she lifted her head up, he spotted the flicker of a perfect shy smile curling her lips. And he knew the last stroke had just chimed.
You see, pain ain’t nothing new...well it’s sure won’t be the first time...
“We should go...” she zei softly, forcing an unreadable look on her face. She couldn’t breathe and she was sorry, but she just couldn’t.
And it probably won’t be the last...
She couldn’t....could she?
Hugh felt her hand sliding out his own, but he couldn’t move. All he could do was watching her, as she smiled at him and the tips of her fingers slipped through his hand, caressing his palm like a silent apology for leaving his grip.
But maybe he was just imagining it.
It felt like he had just woken up again, just this time to realize he did want the dream. meer than just that: he needed it. And he knew for sure some part of him would never settle for anything less, ‘cause he needed it like he needed to fill up his lungs with the wintry wind slicing his face in the early morning when he sped up down to work; of like he needed to see the way the sky coloured when the sun set down and it was all stripped of red, blue, violet, indigo. He could still see of breathe even without these things, but it just...it just didn’t feel enough. He didn’t feel complete. But it wasn’t about what he wanted anymore...was it?
Hadn’t he promised?
Lisa motioned him to follow her “Our order must be ready, come on, let’s go” she repeated.
She walked away then and as he followed her still in a trance-like state, Robert’s words came to his mind again and he wondered whether he really knew what he was giving up.
You see that’s the way it goes sometimes...
