Dad: *Driving car*
Ralphie, Randy, and Mother: Jingle bells. Jingle all the way. Oh what fun it is to ride in a one human open sleigh. Jingle bells. Jingle bells. Jingle all the way. Oh what fun it is to ride in a one human open sleigh. *Spit with tongue out of mouth*
Mother: *Laughs*
Dad: *Smiles, but here the car get a flat tire* Dadgummit. Blowout!

We stopped after crossing a short bridge.

Dad: *Turns on flashlight, and looks at his watch* Ah ha!
Mother: Not again.
Mr. Parker: Four minutes! Time me. *Gets out of car*

Actually the Old Stallion loved it. He had always pictured himself in the pits of the Indianapolis Speedway in the 500. My old stallion's spare tires were actually only tires in the academic sense. They were round, they had once been made of rubber.

Mother: Ralphie.
Ralphie: Yeah?
Mother: Why don't u go help your father?
Ralphie: Really? Can I?
Mother: Sure, but watch for traffic.
Ralphie: Okay.

It was the first time in my entire life that I was gegeven the choice to help my father with anything.

Dad: *Fixing tire, and sees Ralphie* What are u doing out here?
Ralphie: Well, m-mom zei I should help.
Dad: Oh yeah?
Ralphie: Yeah.
Dad: Alright. I'm almost finished. Take this. *Gives Ralphie a hubcap*
Ralphie: *Holding it sideways*
Dad: No, hold it upside down.
Ralphie: What for? *Puts it upside down*
Dad: I wanna put the nuts in it. *Puts nuts in hubcap, and is close to fixing the tire* We got it! We're almost done! Now there's one meer thing I need to *Accidentally hits hubcap*

Ah! For one brief seconde all of the nuts, and bolts were seen silhouetted against the lights, and they were gone!

Ralphie: Oooh fuuudge!

Only I didn't say "Fudge." I zei THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!

Dad: *stunned* What did u say?
Ralphie: Uh, um...
Dad: That's... what I thought u said. Get in the car.
Ralphie: *Slowly stands up*
Dad: Go on!

It was all over - I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.

Ralphie: *Gets back in car*
Mother: Everything go alright?
Dad: *Puts bad tire in trunk, and checks watch* Bah! *Walks back into car*
Mother: Eight minutes.
Dad: Whatever. Do u know what your son just said?
Mother: No. What?
Dad: It was.... Ready? *Whispering to Mother*
Randy: *Leaning closer to Mother*
Mother: AHHHHHHH!!!! RALPHIE!!!

When we got back home, my mom had me sit in the bathroom with soap in my mouth.

Over the years I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal preference was for Lux, but I found Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor - heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness. Life Buoy, on the other hand...

Ralphie: YECCHH!
Mother: u ready to tell me?
Ralphie: Mh. Memememe.
Mother: *Takes soap out of Ralphie's mouth* Alright. Where did u hear that word?

Now, I had heard that word at least ten times a dag from my old stallion. He worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils of clay. It was his true medium; a master. But, I chickened out and zei the first name that came to mind.

Ralphie: Schwartz!
Mother: Oh. I see. *Puts soap back in Ralphie's mouth*
Ralphie: Nnnngh! nnnnnn!!
Mother: *Gets on the phone* Hello, Mrs. Schwartz? Yes, I'm fine. Uh, Mrs. Schwartz, do u know what Ralph just said?
Mrs. Schwartz: What?
Mother: No, he said... *whispers it close to the receiver*
Mrs. Schwartz: NO, NOT THAT!
Mother: Yes, that! Do u know where he heard it?
Mrs. Schwartz: Probably from his father.
Mother: No! He heard it from your son!
Mrs. Schwartz: WHAT! WHAT! WHAAAAAAT! *Goes to Schwartz, and starts spanking him*
Schwartz: *crying* Ah, no! What did I do, Ma? What, I didn't do nothing! AAAAUUUUGGGGHHH!
Mother: *Cringes as she hangs up the phone*

Another shot of mysterious, inexorable, official justice.

Mother: *Takes soap out of Ralphie's mouth* Rinse out, and go to bed. Boy, am I glad u finished your homework, because I want u going straight to bed.
Ralphie: *Goes to his bed*
Mother: u are being punished so no comic book reading. I'm gonna come in there with thirty lights, and-
Ralphie: *Sticks tongue out at Mother*
Mother: Don't u give me that look, you're gonna get it!! *Looks at soap. She starts to wonder what it tastes like, so she puts it in her mouth. Five seconden later, she spits it out, and rinses her mouth out with water*

2 B Continued