NEW MEXICO CHILI COOK OFF
If u can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying door the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If u pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of u who have lived in New Mexico, u know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in... I was assured door the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free bier during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILE
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomaat flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? u could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
CHILE # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILE
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang..
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs meer peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in meer bier when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE schuur CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chile. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine door now. Get me meer bier before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black boon chile with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of limoen, kalk in the black beans. Good side dish for vis of other mild foods, not much of a chile.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the bier maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILE # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use meer tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had gegeven me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding door pouring bier directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILE # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILE # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- u could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My overhemd, shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILE # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILE
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
blend chile. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top, boven of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report.
If u can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying door the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If u pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of u who have lived in New Mexico, u know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in... I was assured door the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free bier during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILE
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomaat flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? u could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
CHILE # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILE
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang..
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs meer peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in meer bier when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE schuur CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chile. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine door now. Get me meer bier before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black boon chile with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of limoen, kalk in the black beans. Good side dish for vis of other mild foods, not much of a chile.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the bier maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILE # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use meer tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had gegeven me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding door pouring bier directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILE # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILE # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- u could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My overhemd, shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILE # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILE
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
blend chile. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top, boven of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report.
Frozen fever starts off with Elsa deciding what to put on top, boven of Anna's birthday cake. After she dose that she finds Olaf eating her ice cream cake. So she leaves Kristoff in charge. Than she tries to wake Anna up and get her ready for the party. Anna soon discovers that somehow got a COLD even when she lived in a ICE kasteel for half of Frozen. And than she starts sneezing and dose not notice that every time she sneezes she poofs up random snowmen that for some reason never melt.
And that was Olaf playing with the sneezed up snow monsters. And as Elsa gets meer sick she still tells Anna that she is fine, but proves other wise when she starts acting like a drunk. When they both end up at the party while trying to get Elsa to bed they find out that thanks to Olaf,Kristoff and the snow monster the party didn't turn out so bad. So over all I have got to say it was a pretty good short the best I have seen for a long time. And so I rate it a 100/100
And that was Olaf playing with the sneezed up snow monsters. And as Elsa gets meer sick she still tells Anna that she is fine, but proves other wise when she starts acting like a drunk. When they both end up at the party while trying to get Elsa to bed they find out that thanks to Olaf,Kristoff and the snow monster the party didn't turn out so bad. So over all I have got to say it was a pretty good short the best I have seen for a long time. And so I rate it a 100/100
"Break Your Heart"
Whoa whoa
Now listen to me baby
Before I love and leave you
They call me hart-, hart breaker
I don't wanna deceive you
[Chorus:]
If u fall for me
I'm not easy to please
I might tear u apart
Told u from the start,
Baby from the start.
I'm only gonna break, break your, break, break your heart. [4x]
Whoa whoa
There's no point trying to hide it
No point trying to evade it
I know I got a problem
Problem with misbehaving
[Chorus]
I'm only gonna break, break your, break, break your heart. [4x]
Whoa whoa [2x]
And I know karma's gonna get me back for being so cold
Like a big bad wolf I'm born to be bad and bad to the bone
If u fall for me I'm only gonna tear u apart
Told ya from the start.
I'm only gonna break, break your, break, break your heart. [4x]
Whoa whoa whoa.... [4x]
Whoa whoa
Now listen to me baby
Before I love and leave you
They call me hart-, hart breaker
I don't wanna deceive you
[Chorus:]
If u fall for me
I'm not easy to please
I might tear u apart
Told u from the start,
Baby from the start.
I'm only gonna break, break your, break, break your heart. [4x]
Whoa whoa
There's no point trying to hide it
No point trying to evade it
I know I got a problem
Problem with misbehaving
[Chorus]
I'm only gonna break, break your, break, break your heart. [4x]
Whoa whoa [2x]
And I know karma's gonna get me back for being so cold
Like a big bad wolf I'm born to be bad and bad to the bone
If u fall for me I'm only gonna tear u apart
Told ya from the start.
I'm only gonna break, break your, break, break your heart. [4x]
Whoa whoa whoa.... [4x]
It all starts off with a man runing from the nothwind a magic snowstorm that can freeze anything! His name was master vagard. He made magic mirrors that the snow queen who had sent the northwind had feared vary much. When he got home pagina the northwind broke in both the master vagard and his wife was froze but there 2 children who were hideing in the closet had taken a mirror that saved them. gdsidggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg blu blu blu blu blu blu blu blu blu h-elp blu blu blu blu blu blu blu blu blu blu blu blu blu blu blu blu blu blu blu blublu blu blu blu blu blu blu blu blu
Oh, u better get up
and make something quick.
It wouldn't be smart
to starve old Saint Nick.
Santa Claus is hungry tonight.
Your mom saved him some ice cream
and a slice of pompoen pie.
Too bad u finished both of them
while he was flying ’cross the sky.
Oh, u needed a snack
and didn't think twice.
u ate Santa’s treats,
so now pay the price.
Santa Claus is hungry tonight.
He knows u are not sleeping.
Your snoring is so fake.
You’d better get yourself downstairs
and bake the man a cake.
Oh, u better get up
and make something quick.
It wouldn't be smart to starve old Saint Nick.
Santa Claus is hungry tonight.
There are many reasons as to why i believe she has earned this title.
1.She fattens her kids TOO Much.
2. She has let her kids get away with WAY too much crap.
3. She has let her daughter(honey boo boo) become a household name.
4. She and her entire family has made America Look Bad.
5. She herself is a BAD example for mothers everywhere.
6. She has let people to believe that being fat is alright.
7. She was once considered for Dancing with the Stars(which in it of itself would of been bad)
8. She had one of the Worst weddings that I have ever seen.
9. She should NOT have allowed her family get a show.
So as u can see she has proven to be the WORST Mother on the face of the earth.
1.She fattens her kids TOO Much.
2. She has let her kids get away with WAY too much crap.
3. She has let her daughter(honey boo boo) become a household name.
4. She and her entire family has made America Look Bad.
5. She herself is a BAD example for mothers everywhere.
6. She has let people to believe that being fat is alright.
7. She was once considered for Dancing with the Stars(which in it of itself would of been bad)
8. She had one of the Worst weddings that I have ever seen.
9. She should NOT have allowed her family get a show.
So as u can see she has proven to be the WORST Mother on the face of the earth.
In the weekend’s least shocking development, Miley Cyrus and Katy Perry locked lips. Crazy, right?! (And door crazy, I mean not crazy at all.)
Cyrus was singing the Bangerz ballad “Adore You” at an L.A. concert when she climbed off the stage and summoned Perry, who was in the front row, to come lean in for a quick peck. Cyrus then backed up and squealed like she was surprised door her own mischief, which, okay, was pretty adorable. And the whole thing was caught on video, because of course it was. But really, did everyone forget that Perry’s first hit was called “I Kissed a Girl“?
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Perry geplaatst an after-shot of the kiss on her Twitter with the caption, “I adore u @MileyCyrus.” No regrets, just love.
Cyrus was singing the Bangerz ballad “Adore You” at an L.A. concert when she climbed off the stage and summoned Perry, who was in the front row, to come lean in for a quick peck. Cyrus then backed up and squealed like she was surprised door her own mischief, which, okay, was pretty adorable. And the whole thing was caught on video, because of course it was. But really, did everyone forget that Perry’s first hit was called “I Kissed a Girl“?
GET meer EW: Subscribe to the magazine for only 33¢ an issue!
Perry geplaatst an after-shot of the kiss on her Twitter with the caption, “I adore u @MileyCyrus.” No regrets, just love.