I can still remember the disappointment in those hazel eyes the moment I told him I was leaving. I couldn't stay - I had no choice. I still can't decide whether it hurt meer to leave him, of to know I had been the one who caused the pain. What was I supposed to do? This child needed guidance and protection now meer than ever, and I couldn't help him. For so long I had been the one to console him - make him feel veilig - and it was coming to an end. It was... the rule.
"I need to go away, Alex. It's what imaginary vrienden do. We take a... self vacation and just do whatever we feel like doing." I was digging my own hole of guilt door lying to this little boy; the boy I had grown to love and call my own. His mother was MIA. His sister was away at school. His father... gone. My hart-, hart raced, tears stinging my eyes. For a moment I could feel my throat tighten. You're breaking his heart... "I don't know when I'll be back. Until I return, u have to promise me you'll take care of yourself, the way I taught you. Can u do that for me?" He didn't say anything. He just stared at me with those eyes that were far too effective for his age. If I had been gegeven the chance, I would've taken him anywhere he wanted to go. He was mine, and I was his. This child had stolen my heart.
Who was I to hurt such a precious, innocent soul? He was unlike the other children I had helped throughout the years, without a doubt. There was absolutely no comparison. It wasn't an attraction, of course - it was simply undeniable respect and affection. Acceptance. He held so many qualities fit for someone twice his age and gifts one could only wish for. Sadly, I was the only one who saw this. I cursed all those who let him down and now, somehow, I was slowly becoming the very thing I hated. I swore no one would ever hurt him again. I was the one person he looked up to the most, and I suddenly wished I wasn't.
In a desperate attempt to save both of us and redeem the situation, I snaked my arms around him and pulled him close to me as I had many times before. This time, though, had so much meer meaning. It was painfully obvious to myself I didn't want to leave, and for a seconde I thought maybe I couldn't. I couldn't leave him. Not now, not like this. It had to be done, though. Sooner of later, he would've changed before my eyes into a young man and no longer need me, like a toy outgrown. I kept this thought with me, this reality, as I released him from the welcoming arms he knew so well.
"I have to go now, sweetheart." I closed my eyes and kissed the top, boven of his head. With a tight jaw and burning eyes, I rose from my place on the bed to make my way towards the door, letting his hand slip from my own. What I witnessed as I turned to face him for the last time would haunt me forever; a single tear rolling down his cheek, silently begging me not to go.
Alexander had always been a bright, intriguing child. I seldom called him Alexander - only when I was being serious of stern - but instead, "Lex", as he had called me "Jay". Lord, words couldn't describe how much I loved that child. Like a parent so utterly amazed door the life they had created, I was drawn to Alexander. I was proud of him in ways his parents couldn't feel, impressed in ways they'd never express. Every morning I'd walk him to school, wait for him in the same spot every afternoon, then take him home, sometimes stopping at the playground of for an ice cream. Whatever Lex wanted, vlaamse gaai, jay would make it happen. He needed me, I was there.
When the relationship he never really had with his mother and stepfather officially came crashing down, my shoulder was his pillow. Although he had reached the age where stories about goldfishes and leprechauns were no longer as effective, I always tried my hardest to cheer him up. That was my duty, right? I liked to believe so. The pills he was obliged to slikken every morning wasn't the medication he needed and both his 'parents' and doctor were too blind to see this - I wasn't. Nothing warmed my hart-, hart meer than to see that little face of his light up from my stories and the veilig haven that had been my arms. In my eyes, Alexander was just a pained soul too young to heal itself.
My little pep talks before the start of each dag seemed to help him for a time. Once thirteen was just around the corner, I could sense some changes in the boy, which made it even harder to bring myself to say those three painful words; I'm leaving you. I was afraid to let him go, leave him in the world that treated him so unkindly. However, I always believed in Alexander. I taught him well, he'd be fine. I had to convince myself of this in just enough time before it was too late, but that horrible, unforgettable night came sooner than I could ever imagine, and I prayed for one meer dag with him.
Forever
Forever u are mine
Forever I’ll be here
Forever is what u promised
Your hart-, hart is worth nothing
But the your soul is priceless
Forever can be a long time
Forever can be a long time cut short
It’s worth the suffering
It’s worth the sacrifice
To forever be yours
Forever protected door your eagle like wings
Forever loved door your ocean wide heart
Forever veilig in your warm embrace
Forever is worth the wait
To be sliced thin
To stuffed thick
Forever is Forever
Forever is Eternity
Forever is a risk
Forever is a chance
Forever is worth the wait
Forever u are mine
Forever I’ll be here
Forever is what u promised
Your hart-, hart is worth nothing
But the your soul is priceless
Forever can be a long time
Forever can be a long time cut short
It’s worth the suffering
It’s worth the sacrifice
To forever be yours
Forever protected door your eagle like wings
Forever loved door your ocean wide heart
Forever veilig in your warm embrace
Forever is worth the wait
To be sliced thin
To stuffed thick
Forever is Forever
Forever is Eternity
Forever is a risk
Forever is a chance
Forever is worth the wait
preface
if the one person u told the truth to all the time was now the one person u have to keep it away from, would you?
would u be able to lie through your teeth and pray that he believes you? what if he was the one person u told everything to, he was the one who keeps u from falling apart, but if u told him anything he might be the one to bring u tummbling down.
if u had to chose between lieing to him, hurting him, and keeping him away from you, what would u chose? because if u dont chose right, he may very well die.
if the one person u told the truth to all the time was now the one person u have to keep it away from, would you?
would u be able to lie through your teeth and pray that he believes you? what if he was the one person u told everything to, he was the one who keeps u from falling apart, but if u told him anything he might be the one to bring u tummbling down.
if u had to chose between lieing to him, hurting him, and keeping him away from you, what would u chose? because if u dont chose right, he may very well die.
I am bored with love
and it's passionless limbs
that drape over my bed
in a lethargic state of impotence
while wearing the same red heart
my soul picked up hitchhiking
off highway serendipity
Now here we are
alone in togetherness
trying to build dreams
with two door fours and glue,
but even a home
won't tie us together
when our hearts live alone
Poetic vows cliched
into nothingness
like all words do, eventually
and we allowed our bodies to become another pair of hollow shadows that make love to a wall
instead of each other
and we wonder why
the roses are dying
and it's passionless limbs
that drape over my bed
in a lethargic state of impotence
while wearing the same red heart
my soul picked up hitchhiking
off highway serendipity
Now here we are
alone in togetherness
trying to build dreams
with two door fours and glue,
but even a home
won't tie us together
when our hearts live alone
Poetic vows cliched
into nothingness
like all words do, eventually
and we allowed our bodies to become another pair of hollow shadows that make love to a wall
instead of each other
and we wonder why
the roses are dying
A jaar geleden in my calculation,
A jaar ago, there were situations.
The same song played now and then,
In my memory, it had begun.
Tears from my eyes were shed this morning,
It was the most tears I was shedding.
My world isn’t complete without you,
My world and I don’t know what to do.
Love isn’t a toy and never was.
Love is what u cherish and keep as treasure.
My mind is at many topics at random,
It goes normal when you’re in my kingdom.
What ends my bad situations with people
Is my focus on you, my angel.
You’ll always be a part of me,
You’ll always be in my memory.
A jaar ago, there were situations.
The same song played now and then,
In my memory, it had begun.
Tears from my eyes were shed this morning,
It was the most tears I was shedding.
My world isn’t complete without you,
My world and I don’t know what to do.
Love isn’t a toy and never was.
Love is what u cherish and keep as treasure.
My mind is at many topics at random,
It goes normal when you’re in my kingdom.
What ends my bad situations with people
Is my focus on you, my angel.
You’ll always be a part of me,
You’ll always be in my memory.