A/N: I just thought it would be an interesting subject, u know? And before u do anything, just to let u know, I FAIL at characterisation. So don't go all batshit on me if I get Hermione of anyone else wrong, 'kay?
Today, on the 17th of October, the court session for the famous "Meyer Case" was initiated. Stephenie Meyer, founder of Twilight, inc., the billion-dollar advertising company, was arrested on several charges, including: allegations of fraud charged door worldwide companies Feminism, inc., 3D pwns 2D, and Literature n Books; the murder of various brain cells; abuse and rape of thesarus, and assaulting the image of vampires. Meyer has so far denied these allegations, saying, "It's just a company! No need to get into it!"
We have talked to several people about Mrs. Meyer, mostly victims and those who stand for the victims. The first group we spoke to was a few employees from Feminism, Inc., Dr. Temperence Brennan, Ms. Hermione Granger, and Willow Rosenburg.
Interviewer: So, what would u say was your biggest problem with the person that Meyer set u up with to represent your company and its values?
Willow: u mean Bella Swan?
Hermione: Merlin, was she horrible.
Brennan: Anthropologically speaking, she should be likable, even populair in the eyes of her peers. I mean, she is quite plain-looking, so as not to get others jealous. And she does obsess about males, like most girls her age. However, I find her to be... unpleasant. Her voice is an octave higher than the normal voice range, and she always trips all over the place.
W: Tell me about it. Last maand she knocked over my herbs and broke my orb of Thenusula. And one time, I saw her tripping and falling. On a completely flat, no bumpy surface. How can someone do that? She could be something unnatural. Like a rare demon in danger of extinction.
B: That is scientifically impossible. Demons and magic are just folklore to scare children of to explain a perfectly natrual phenomenon.
W: Hello, witch here?
H: I'm a witch too. of is the stick in my back pocket that could turn water into wine just a stick? Anyways, Bella, to put it bluntly, is an annoying prat. Even meer annoying than Ron, and that is saying something. She is always complaining and going on about Edward.
W: Yeah, she was so hooked on him, it's not even funny. I used to joke about it, saying "Edward Who?" all the time.
H: She definitely DOES NOT represent Feminism. If there was a company called Whiners Worldwide, then she'd fit in.
B: Feminism, our company, is made up of independent, strong woman fighting for what they believe in. Ms. zwaan-, zwaan has none of these factors.
Interviewer: Thank u for your time, ladies.
We verplaats onto GemonkDruid, an expert on the matter of the brain cell massacre, as she was the guradian of some dead ones.
Interviewer: Many people have talked to u about the concern about losing your beloved brain cells. What advice would u give a person on how to avoid the same situation happening to u and many others?
Gemonk: My solution: don't read Twilight. Avoid it like the plague. If u wanna find out about it, read the wikipedia page.
I: But what if they already started to read the series?
G: STOP reading it. Then go watch something educational, like Bones of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. At least their female characters kick ass!
Brennan and Willow: Thank you!
We volgende talked to vampires Spike and Angel, representing the image of vampires, who was assaulted door Meyer back in 2005.
Interviewer: What is your opinion on the attack to the image of vampires?
Spike: This Meyer bint started the attack five years ago, yeah? Which makes me wonder why the image of vampires hasn't fought back earlier. See, I would have played the bloody hero, save the day, blah blah blah. But I was in hell at the time, so...
Angel: Lorne once showed me these chatty rooms, which people talk about me, and they say things like, "Angel is a better stalker than Edward." Whoever Edward is.
Finally, we interviewed the founder of 3D pwns 2D, Jack Schitt.
Interviewer: What exactly is your company about, and why are u suing Stephenie Meyer?
Schitt: Our company, 3D pwns 2D, is not only about promoting 3D movies. It's also all about promoting 3D characters, realistic characters. Meyer hooked us up with a few potential representatives, the Cullens, some pseudo-werewolves called shapeshifters, and of course, her little pet employee Bella Swan. However, they were all... flat. Y'know? We just don't DIG flat.
And there u have it, folks. Meyer, in the light of her adoring fans. fans of her going to jail, that is.
Today, on the 17th of October, the court session for the famous "Meyer Case" was initiated. Stephenie Meyer, founder of Twilight, inc., the billion-dollar advertising company, was arrested on several charges, including: allegations of fraud charged door worldwide companies Feminism, inc., 3D pwns 2D, and Literature n Books; the murder of various brain cells; abuse and rape of thesarus, and assaulting the image of vampires. Meyer has so far denied these allegations, saying, "It's just a company! No need to get into it!"
We have talked to several people about Mrs. Meyer, mostly victims and those who stand for the victims. The first group we spoke to was a few employees from Feminism, Inc., Dr. Temperence Brennan, Ms. Hermione Granger, and Willow Rosenburg.
Interviewer: So, what would u say was your biggest problem with the person that Meyer set u up with to represent your company and its values?
Willow: u mean Bella Swan?
Hermione: Merlin, was she horrible.
Brennan: Anthropologically speaking, she should be likable, even populair in the eyes of her peers. I mean, she is quite plain-looking, so as not to get others jealous. And she does obsess about males, like most girls her age. However, I find her to be... unpleasant. Her voice is an octave higher than the normal voice range, and she always trips all over the place.
W: Tell me about it. Last maand she knocked over my herbs and broke my orb of Thenusula. And one time, I saw her tripping and falling. On a completely flat, no bumpy surface. How can someone do that? She could be something unnatural. Like a rare demon in danger of extinction.
B: That is scientifically impossible. Demons and magic are just folklore to scare children of to explain a perfectly natrual phenomenon.
W: Hello, witch here?
H: I'm a witch too. of is the stick in my back pocket that could turn water into wine just a stick? Anyways, Bella, to put it bluntly, is an annoying prat. Even meer annoying than Ron, and that is saying something. She is always complaining and going on about Edward.
W: Yeah, she was so hooked on him, it's not even funny. I used to joke about it, saying "Edward Who?" all the time.
H: She definitely DOES NOT represent Feminism. If there was a company called Whiners Worldwide, then she'd fit in.
B: Feminism, our company, is made up of independent, strong woman fighting for what they believe in. Ms. zwaan-, zwaan has none of these factors.
Interviewer: Thank u for your time, ladies.
We verplaats onto GemonkDruid, an expert on the matter of the brain cell massacre, as she was the guradian of some dead ones.
Interviewer: Many people have talked to u about the concern about losing your beloved brain cells. What advice would u give a person on how to avoid the same situation happening to u and many others?
Gemonk: My solution: don't read Twilight. Avoid it like the plague. If u wanna find out about it, read the wikipedia page.
I: But what if they already started to read the series?
G: STOP reading it. Then go watch something educational, like Bones of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. At least their female characters kick ass!
Brennan and Willow: Thank you!
We volgende talked to vampires Spike and Angel, representing the image of vampires, who was assaulted door Meyer back in 2005.
Interviewer: What is your opinion on the attack to the image of vampires?
Spike: This Meyer bint started the attack five years ago, yeah? Which makes me wonder why the image of vampires hasn't fought back earlier. See, I would have played the bloody hero, save the day, blah blah blah. But I was in hell at the time, so...
Angel: Lorne once showed me these chatty rooms, which people talk about me, and they say things like, "Angel is a better stalker than Edward." Whoever Edward is.
Finally, we interviewed the founder of 3D pwns 2D, Jack Schitt.
Interviewer: What exactly is your company about, and why are u suing Stephenie Meyer?
Schitt: Our company, 3D pwns 2D, is not only about promoting 3D movies. It's also all about promoting 3D characters, realistic characters. Meyer hooked us up with a few potential representatives, the Cullens, some pseudo-werewolves called shapeshifters, and of course, her little pet employee Bella Swan. However, they were all... flat. Y'know? We just don't DIG flat.
And there u have it, folks. Meyer, in the light of her adoring fans. fans of her going to jail, that is.
(A customer in her late teens approaches me in the bookstore.)
Customer: “Hey, do u guys sell the Twilight books?”
Me: “Yes, they’re right over there.”
Customer: “Have u read them?”
Me: “Yes, I have.”
Customer: “Didn’t u just LOVE them?!”
Me: “Well, actually, they aren’t really my type of book, so–”
Customer: *suddenly furious* “Are u f***ing serious?! These are the best boeken ever written! I’m going to tell Edward to come and bite u and drink all your blood!”
Me: *backing away* “Have a nice day, ma’am…”
were are u harry asked ron over here can't u see me am right in front of you.
no i cant see u it's so drak a cat even could not see in here.
hah ron very funny, lets try to find a light swicht for u can see.
ron i found one. well then turn it one then
i am don't worry
boo am going to suck your owls blood.
right then the sun came toungt the window and then edward begin to spark
look harry this vamiper sparks how sad is that.
ron is he waring girls cothing
yay i think he is
no am not but am in love with a human girl
harry and ron at the same time laghed them selfed silly
and that's the end of this fine story
no i cant see u it's so drak a cat even could not see in here.
hah ron very funny, lets try to find a light swicht for u can see.
ron i found one. well then turn it one then
i am don't worry
boo am going to suck your owls blood.
right then the sun came toungt the window and then edward begin to spark
look harry this vamiper sparks how sad is that.
ron is he waring girls cothing
yay i think he is
no am not but am in love with a human girl
harry and ron at the same time laghed them selfed silly
and that's the end of this fine story
