Plot
Long ago, the world was ruled door the immortal dragons, where they were all immortal. Except for Seath, the scaleless, legless albino dragon. He was mocked door his brothers for the color of his skin. So, naturally, he was so PO’d, that he wanted to do whatever he could to kill all of his brothers, because why not. So, after searching forever, he was able to find three lords. Gravelord Nito, a giant dead guy made of a million other dead guys who was responsible for the diseases in Lordran (Thanks for the herpes, prick), The Witch of Izalith, a women with a whole lot of children and was up to her tits in child support, and Gwyn, the Lord of Cinder, who became the ruler because he was the only one with epic facial hair. Seath came to them, and zei “I’m mad at my family, cause I’m an emotional teenage douchebag. Help me kill them”, and the Lords were like, “...... Okay”, and so all the Immortal Dragons died, which is kind of ironic, since they were, u know, immortal. Anyway, after this, the Four Lords were all gegeven their own soul and lit the First Flame, creating the Age of Fire. Seath was awarded a kasteel door Gwyn, while everyone else just relaxed and enjoyed their life’s. However, before they knew it, the First Flame was beginning to die. The Witch of Izalith used her magic to try and prolong the first fire, only to turn her into a boom thing and have a whole bunch of ugly monster babies, only increasing the child support. Seath tried to create a whole other race, only to turn him into a Josef Mengele dragon and go insane in the castle, now a scaleless, legless, albino dragon with mental problems. Gwyn had his transvestite son, Gwyndolin, watch over Anor Londo as he took his army of knights to the First Flame, where he then gave his life to keep the First Flame going. And Nito said, “Screw u and this flame, I’m going to bed” and went to sleep in his coffin because he didn’t give a shit. After this, two imperfect dragons, Primordial Serpents, named Kingseeker Frampt and Darkstalker Kaathe, both had an argument about keeping the brand lit of letting it die. After which, humanity was discovered, and the humans started killing monsters for it. After the monsters started to go endangered, the humans zei “You know what… Let’s turn this into some Mad Max shit”, and thus, they started killing each other, resulting in everyone turning into psychotic Hollows. Instead of trying to solve this problem, the humans zei “Let's throw them all into an asylum”. And thus, the Chosen Undead sat there, spending his time fiddling his thumbs until the dag a knight called Oscar came to save all the Hollows from the asylum and to save Lordran, before dying in a hole sad and alone. And now, the Chosen Undead must save the First Flame and keep the age of brand alive. (Or, let it die and become king…. like a sensible person would do)
Pinwheel
Pinwheel was once a family of three. Granted, they weren’t the happiest of families. I mean, the father kept studying necromancy like some psychotic bastard, while his wife cheated on him with every man in Lordran, and the child…. well, who cares about children anyway? Anyway, some time later, the mother and child died. I’m guessing the mother died of STD’s and the child died of neglect. For some reason, the father felt bad, and did whatever he could to revive them. Even going as far as to walk through the Tomb of the Giants, where giant skeletons will sparta kick him and skeleton beasts while triple teef slap him in order to steal magic from Gravelord Nito (Who is still sleeping, I should add). After taking the power, the father used it to revive his family. But, mistakes were made, and the family was revived, but were now a deformed monster with them all sharing one body, and they now wear a mantel and three masks to hide their appearance. At least they're together now, in a horrifying, screwed up, Lovecraftian way. Now Pinwheel waits in the Catacombs, waiting for his volgende victim, who will no doubt kill Pinwheel with a sneeze because he’s weaker than a wet paper bag with glass bones
Solaire
Though Anor Londo was watched door Gwyn’s transvestite son, Gwyn had three children. Gwyndolin, the transvestite, Gwynevere, the dirty slut princess who sleeps with every kind of race imaginable, and a third son who disappointed Gwyn badly to where he didn’t want him anymore. This third son was the brave sunbro knight, Solaire. After Solaire screwed up many times, Gwyn told him “Son, I am disappointed in you. I thought your gay brother was the worst offspring, but then u screwed up this bad. Get the hell out of my castle”, and so Solaire screwed off in an attempt to find his own sun. While the Chosen Undead continues on his quest and dies a whole lot, his sunbro Solaire proceeds to aid the Chosen Undead in some Jolly Co-operation against bosses like the Gargoyle, Ornstein and Smough, and the duizendpoot Demon. However, Solaire starts to notice how much of a screw up he is, because he can’t find the sun in a place that is underground. Kind of hard to find the sun underground, don’t u think. So Solaire explores the Lost Izalith, where he is then attacked door a creepy crawly, and then he dies. But, the Chosen Undead, if he is smart, can save the sunbro door simply running into that place and slaughtering the damn bug (But first has to feed Quelaag’s sister thirty humanity before doing so). If Solaire is saved, he will gladly aid the player in defeating Gwyn, as he is still upset over his dad kicking him out. And so, Solaire will finally be able to solve all of his daddy issues with the help of his Sunbro, with the use of Jolly Co-operation
Black Iron Tarkus
Tarkus is the only knight who has never been known to screw everything up like all knights before him. Being the medieval Chuck Norris, Tarkus was able to defeat the Iron Golem, who, as the chanting provides, was angry because his parents didn’t buy him a Macbook Pro for his birthday. However, it would appear that our hero could not survive for long after the fight with the angry teen Golem, because he was killed as soon as he arrived to Anor Londo, no doubt door the damn archers. u could say that he was killed door the Painted Guards, because his body was found in near the Painted World, but screw you, those archers killed me meer than I could handle. u wouldn’t understand my pain!
Oscar the Fateless
Oscar went to the asylum to save the hollows, but then he died, and he became hollow, and tried to fight the Chosen Undead, and then he died again. Who gives a damn about Oscar, really?
Shiva of the East
Being a man from the very continent this game was made in, Shiva would have gladly killed the Chosen Undead, for choosing to keep a rare sword from him. However, that was stupid, and instead, he just became a rip off of the merchant from Resident Evil 4, only not as cool, and sells u some weapons that will be incredibly worthless once u have upgraded a legendary sword in the game.
Knight Artorias the Abysswalker
Artorias was one of the Four Knights of Lord Gwyn, along with his yandere, Lord’s Blade Ciaran, a blind giant who is the Legolas of this world, Hawkeye Gough, and Dragon Slayer Ornstein, who worked with a fatass after everyone left. Artorias was the only one who killed the Darkwraiths, because he had the balls to do it, and thought “Man, to hell with your Abyss” and tract right through it, using the Covenant of Artorias ring. He managed to kill every single thing in the Abyss like a boss, until the town of Oolacile was attacked door Manus, Father of the Abyss. Artorias, along with is cute companion obviously used for merchandising, went to the abyss to trek through it again like a boss, but instead, Artorias broke his arm on the way down, resulting in him being overwhelmed door the Abyss. He used his shield to save his wolf friend, Sif, which somehow worked. Artorias was then mindraped door Manus and was turned into another creature to him, and now Sif guards the grave of Artorias, and will keep everyone away from it. And door that, I mean everyone will want to not go near it once they find out about Sif’s tragic story. That, of when he starts limping. Either way, you’ll cry.
Siegmeyer of Catarina
Siegmeyer is a fat ui man whose only love in life is to explore. In fact, his love is so great, that he abandoned his wife and daughter in order to go and explore Lordran. This soon leads to his wife dying, but Siegmeyer's love for adventure is so great, he never knows. Kind of a terrible husband and father, if u ask me. Anyway, the Chosen Undead will gladly help Siegmeyer on his adventure, such as running around the traps and warriors of Sen’s Fortress, trying to battle the hordes of silver knights in Anor Londo, and just walking into Blighttown is a nightmare. And when all's zei and done, Siegmeyer has the balls to go and fight the monsters in Lost Izalith. However, the hero is able to kill them along with Siegmeyer. However, Siegmeyer lacks the thought process to know what Jolly Co-operation is, so he feels bad for having help in this fight. This will lead Siegmeyer to sacrifice himself to help the Chosen Undead, being worth something in his life. If the Chosen Undead saves him, Siegmeyer, not hearing of the word “Thank you”, bitches about his problems, where he goes to meet his fat ui daughter, Sieglinde of Catarina, only to try and kill her, resulting in some disturbing daughter and father murder reunion, and the Chosen Undead gets no reward in the end. How lovely.
Sisters of Chaos
After their mother screwed up big time, the sisters of Chaos, Quelaag and her sister who has no name because no one loved her enough, escaped to Blighttown (Yeah, great moving decision there). However, Quelaag’s sister began to be in a great amount of pain. In order to solve this, Quelaag thought the best solution was to murder everyone who came to her domain and took their humanity, like anyone would do to a house guest. But, after The Chosen Undead defeated Quelaag and ran the klok, bell of Awakening, he was left with one problem. In order to save Sunbro Solaire, he had to give the humanity to Quelaag’s sister. Better get to farming those rats in the sewers, Chosen Undead.
Knight Lautrec of Carim
Begin a religious nutjob, Lautrec loved the goddess Fina, and created many waifu pillows of her to keep him company in that dark cell in Undead Burg. Lautrec believes that he is on a mission from God...des… Fina. It is also believed that he met Patches at one point in his life, who no doubt kicked Lautrec into a hole in the ground to rob him. Once u save Lautrec, Lautrec will gladly aid the Chosen Undead against the Gargoyles, and Sarah Palin’s Vagina, AKA, the Gaping Dragon. However, in the end, LAutrec will kill the friendly brand keeper, Anastacia of Astora, and takes her soul. Obviously pissed, the Chosen Undead heads to Anor Londo, where Lautrec is waiting with his posse, waiting for a duel, no doubt resulting in his impotent death. And no one cares about killing him, as they should.
Big Hat Logan
This Gandalf wannabe was once a member of the Vinheim Dragon School, before dying a hundred years ago. After which, Gandalf- I mean, Big Hat Logan, created the Soul Spear, strong enough to be similar to the lightning Gwyn shoots out of his hand- (Holy crap, Gwyn really is God). Logan did his hardest to find the Duke’s Archives, in order to see what sort of magic mysteries it held, resulting in him getting captured… twice. What kind of “powerful” wizard gets caught twice in a row. Anyway, the Chosen Undead will save him all three times, which will result in Logan going nuts, becoming the volgende Seath, and once the Chosen Undead has bought all of Logan’s magic, Logan will get mad that he is out of stuff to sell, and will then try to kill the Chosen Undead. Like anyone else would.
Priscilla
One day, Seath was busy, studying up in his archives, when he came across Gwyn’s daughter, Gwynever. Gwynever, being the horny princess that she is, had Seath sleep with her for one night, which resulted in Gwynever getting pregnant, and soon gave birth to the Crossbreed Priscilla. Since she had the fluffiest tail in all of Lordran, Gwyn decided to lock her away in the Painted World, where only the bravest would go to caress the tail of their waifu, which usually ended with them being impaled. However, the Chosen Undead was finally able to make it to the end of the Painted World. Not for the fluffy tail of Priscilla, but because the only way out of this damn place was in the very room Priscilla was in, making it impossible to leave any other way. Great job their, Four Lords. So, once the Chosen Undead arrived to Priscilla’s chamber, he was told to leave, as the inhabitants of this land are kind… Despite that it consists of undead warriors who will spit toxin down your throat, blobs who will stab u to death, wheel skeletons that mutilate you, bird people that peck u to death, and a giant undead dragon that tries to cover u in poison. Priscilla should be glad she is the ultimate waifu, because after saying that, she would have been slaughtered.
Long ago, the world was ruled door the immortal dragons, where they were all immortal. Except for Seath, the scaleless, legless albino dragon. He was mocked door his brothers for the color of his skin. So, naturally, he was so PO’d, that he wanted to do whatever he could to kill all of his brothers, because why not. So, after searching forever, he was able to find three lords. Gravelord Nito, a giant dead guy made of a million other dead guys who was responsible for the diseases in Lordran (Thanks for the herpes, prick), The Witch of Izalith, a women with a whole lot of children and was up to her tits in child support, and Gwyn, the Lord of Cinder, who became the ruler because he was the only one with epic facial hair. Seath came to them, and zei “I’m mad at my family, cause I’m an emotional teenage douchebag. Help me kill them”, and the Lords were like, “...... Okay”, and so all the Immortal Dragons died, which is kind of ironic, since they were, u know, immortal. Anyway, after this, the Four Lords were all gegeven their own soul and lit the First Flame, creating the Age of Fire. Seath was awarded a kasteel door Gwyn, while everyone else just relaxed and enjoyed their life’s. However, before they knew it, the First Flame was beginning to die. The Witch of Izalith used her magic to try and prolong the first fire, only to turn her into a boom thing and have a whole bunch of ugly monster babies, only increasing the child support. Seath tried to create a whole other race, only to turn him into a Josef Mengele dragon and go insane in the castle, now a scaleless, legless, albino dragon with mental problems. Gwyn had his transvestite son, Gwyndolin, watch over Anor Londo as he took his army of knights to the First Flame, where he then gave his life to keep the First Flame going. And Nito said, “Screw u and this flame, I’m going to bed” and went to sleep in his coffin because he didn’t give a shit. After this, two imperfect dragons, Primordial Serpents, named Kingseeker Frampt and Darkstalker Kaathe, both had an argument about keeping the brand lit of letting it die. After which, humanity was discovered, and the humans started killing monsters for it. After the monsters started to go endangered, the humans zei “You know what… Let’s turn this into some Mad Max shit”, and thus, they started killing each other, resulting in everyone turning into psychotic Hollows. Instead of trying to solve this problem, the humans zei “Let's throw them all into an asylum”. And thus, the Chosen Undead sat there, spending his time fiddling his thumbs until the dag a knight called Oscar came to save all the Hollows from the asylum and to save Lordran, before dying in a hole sad and alone. And now, the Chosen Undead must save the First Flame and keep the age of brand alive. (Or, let it die and become king…. like a sensible person would do)
Pinwheel
Pinwheel was once a family of three. Granted, they weren’t the happiest of families. I mean, the father kept studying necromancy like some psychotic bastard, while his wife cheated on him with every man in Lordran, and the child…. well, who cares about children anyway? Anyway, some time later, the mother and child died. I’m guessing the mother died of STD’s and the child died of neglect. For some reason, the father felt bad, and did whatever he could to revive them. Even going as far as to walk through the Tomb of the Giants, where giant skeletons will sparta kick him and skeleton beasts while triple teef slap him in order to steal magic from Gravelord Nito (Who is still sleeping, I should add). After taking the power, the father used it to revive his family. But, mistakes were made, and the family was revived, but were now a deformed monster with them all sharing one body, and they now wear a mantel and three masks to hide their appearance. At least they're together now, in a horrifying, screwed up, Lovecraftian way. Now Pinwheel waits in the Catacombs, waiting for his volgende victim, who will no doubt kill Pinwheel with a sneeze because he’s weaker than a wet paper bag with glass bones
Solaire
Though Anor Londo was watched door Gwyn’s transvestite son, Gwyn had three children. Gwyndolin, the transvestite, Gwynevere, the dirty slut princess who sleeps with every kind of race imaginable, and a third son who disappointed Gwyn badly to where he didn’t want him anymore. This third son was the brave sunbro knight, Solaire. After Solaire screwed up many times, Gwyn told him “Son, I am disappointed in you. I thought your gay brother was the worst offspring, but then u screwed up this bad. Get the hell out of my castle”, and so Solaire screwed off in an attempt to find his own sun. While the Chosen Undead continues on his quest and dies a whole lot, his sunbro Solaire proceeds to aid the Chosen Undead in some Jolly Co-operation against bosses like the Gargoyle, Ornstein and Smough, and the duizendpoot Demon. However, Solaire starts to notice how much of a screw up he is, because he can’t find the sun in a place that is underground. Kind of hard to find the sun underground, don’t u think. So Solaire explores the Lost Izalith, where he is then attacked door a creepy crawly, and then he dies. But, the Chosen Undead, if he is smart, can save the sunbro door simply running into that place and slaughtering the damn bug (But first has to feed Quelaag’s sister thirty humanity before doing so). If Solaire is saved, he will gladly aid the player in defeating Gwyn, as he is still upset over his dad kicking him out. And so, Solaire will finally be able to solve all of his daddy issues with the help of his Sunbro, with the use of Jolly Co-operation
Black Iron Tarkus
Tarkus is the only knight who has never been known to screw everything up like all knights before him. Being the medieval Chuck Norris, Tarkus was able to defeat the Iron Golem, who, as the chanting provides, was angry because his parents didn’t buy him a Macbook Pro for his birthday. However, it would appear that our hero could not survive for long after the fight with the angry teen Golem, because he was killed as soon as he arrived to Anor Londo, no doubt door the damn archers. u could say that he was killed door the Painted Guards, because his body was found in near the Painted World, but screw you, those archers killed me meer than I could handle. u wouldn’t understand my pain!
Oscar the Fateless
Oscar went to the asylum to save the hollows, but then he died, and he became hollow, and tried to fight the Chosen Undead, and then he died again. Who gives a damn about Oscar, really?
Shiva of the East
Being a man from the very continent this game was made in, Shiva would have gladly killed the Chosen Undead, for choosing to keep a rare sword from him. However, that was stupid, and instead, he just became a rip off of the merchant from Resident Evil 4, only not as cool, and sells u some weapons that will be incredibly worthless once u have upgraded a legendary sword in the game.
Knight Artorias the Abysswalker
Artorias was one of the Four Knights of Lord Gwyn, along with his yandere, Lord’s Blade Ciaran, a blind giant who is the Legolas of this world, Hawkeye Gough, and Dragon Slayer Ornstein, who worked with a fatass after everyone left. Artorias was the only one who killed the Darkwraiths, because he had the balls to do it, and thought “Man, to hell with your Abyss” and tract right through it, using the Covenant of Artorias ring. He managed to kill every single thing in the Abyss like a boss, until the town of Oolacile was attacked door Manus, Father of the Abyss. Artorias, along with is cute companion obviously used for merchandising, went to the abyss to trek through it again like a boss, but instead, Artorias broke his arm on the way down, resulting in him being overwhelmed door the Abyss. He used his shield to save his wolf friend, Sif, which somehow worked. Artorias was then mindraped door Manus and was turned into another creature to him, and now Sif guards the grave of Artorias, and will keep everyone away from it. And door that, I mean everyone will want to not go near it once they find out about Sif’s tragic story. That, of when he starts limping. Either way, you’ll cry.
Siegmeyer of Catarina
Siegmeyer is a fat ui man whose only love in life is to explore. In fact, his love is so great, that he abandoned his wife and daughter in order to go and explore Lordran. This soon leads to his wife dying, but Siegmeyer's love for adventure is so great, he never knows. Kind of a terrible husband and father, if u ask me. Anyway, the Chosen Undead will gladly help Siegmeyer on his adventure, such as running around the traps and warriors of Sen’s Fortress, trying to battle the hordes of silver knights in Anor Londo, and just walking into Blighttown is a nightmare. And when all's zei and done, Siegmeyer has the balls to go and fight the monsters in Lost Izalith. However, the hero is able to kill them along with Siegmeyer. However, Siegmeyer lacks the thought process to know what Jolly Co-operation is, so he feels bad for having help in this fight. This will lead Siegmeyer to sacrifice himself to help the Chosen Undead, being worth something in his life. If the Chosen Undead saves him, Siegmeyer, not hearing of the word “Thank you”, bitches about his problems, where he goes to meet his fat ui daughter, Sieglinde of Catarina, only to try and kill her, resulting in some disturbing daughter and father murder reunion, and the Chosen Undead gets no reward in the end. How lovely.
Sisters of Chaos
After their mother screwed up big time, the sisters of Chaos, Quelaag and her sister who has no name because no one loved her enough, escaped to Blighttown (Yeah, great moving decision there). However, Quelaag’s sister began to be in a great amount of pain. In order to solve this, Quelaag thought the best solution was to murder everyone who came to her domain and took their humanity, like anyone would do to a house guest. But, after The Chosen Undead defeated Quelaag and ran the klok, bell of Awakening, he was left with one problem. In order to save Sunbro Solaire, he had to give the humanity to Quelaag’s sister. Better get to farming those rats in the sewers, Chosen Undead.
Knight Lautrec of Carim
Begin a religious nutjob, Lautrec loved the goddess Fina, and created many waifu pillows of her to keep him company in that dark cell in Undead Burg. Lautrec believes that he is on a mission from God...des… Fina. It is also believed that he met Patches at one point in his life, who no doubt kicked Lautrec into a hole in the ground to rob him. Once u save Lautrec, Lautrec will gladly aid the Chosen Undead against the Gargoyles, and Sarah Palin’s Vagina, AKA, the Gaping Dragon. However, in the end, LAutrec will kill the friendly brand keeper, Anastacia of Astora, and takes her soul. Obviously pissed, the Chosen Undead heads to Anor Londo, where Lautrec is waiting with his posse, waiting for a duel, no doubt resulting in his impotent death. And no one cares about killing him, as they should.
Big Hat Logan
This Gandalf wannabe was once a member of the Vinheim Dragon School, before dying a hundred years ago. After which, Gandalf- I mean, Big Hat Logan, created the Soul Spear, strong enough to be similar to the lightning Gwyn shoots out of his hand- (Holy crap, Gwyn really is God). Logan did his hardest to find the Duke’s Archives, in order to see what sort of magic mysteries it held, resulting in him getting captured… twice. What kind of “powerful” wizard gets caught twice in a row. Anyway, the Chosen Undead will save him all three times, which will result in Logan going nuts, becoming the volgende Seath, and once the Chosen Undead has bought all of Logan’s magic, Logan will get mad that he is out of stuff to sell, and will then try to kill the Chosen Undead. Like anyone else would.
Priscilla
One day, Seath was busy, studying up in his archives, when he came across Gwyn’s daughter, Gwynever. Gwynever, being the horny princess that she is, had Seath sleep with her for one night, which resulted in Gwynever getting pregnant, and soon gave birth to the Crossbreed Priscilla. Since she had the fluffiest tail in all of Lordran, Gwyn decided to lock her away in the Painted World, where only the bravest would go to caress the tail of their waifu, which usually ended with them being impaled. However, the Chosen Undead was finally able to make it to the end of the Painted World. Not for the fluffy tail of Priscilla, but because the only way out of this damn place was in the very room Priscilla was in, making it impossible to leave any other way. Great job their, Four Lords. So, once the Chosen Undead arrived to Priscilla’s chamber, he was told to leave, as the inhabitants of this land are kind… Despite that it consists of undead warriors who will spit toxin down your throat, blobs who will stab u to death, wheel skeletons that mutilate you, bird people that peck u to death, and a giant undead dragon that tries to cover u in poison. Priscilla should be glad she is the ultimate waifu, because after saying that, she would have been slaughtered.
