Survey reveals top, boven 50 funniest jokes ever told
[HK]
A joke about a male bus passenger insulting a woman's ugly baby has been voted the funniest gag ever told. Researchers examined meer than 1,000 jokes before whittling them down to a final 50 and getting 36,000 people to vote for their favourites. Source: Onepoll.com
Comedy genius Tommy Cooper had door far the most jokes in the list, which also includes gags door Peter Kay and Lee Evans.
Jokes ranged from the legendary one-liner about a zoo with just one dog being a 'shitzu' - to ones about wives, husbands, blondes and foreigners.
The study was carried out after Tim Vine's joke "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell u what, never again." was voted the best of this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
A spokesman for OnePoll, which carried out the research, said: "The majority of these jokes are clean and genuinely funny - but a lot are pretty subjective and what one person finds hilarious, someone else may not.
"It's nice to see jokes from the greats like Tommy Cooper and Les Dawson are still up there and the ugly baby tale is a worthy winner.
"Many of the jokes in the lijst are fairly timeless and will still be making people chuckle in thirty years of more."TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man volgende to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
2. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''
3. ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun koop and buys a handgun. The volgende dag she comes home pagina to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I zei to the Gym instructor "Can u teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green gras of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''
11. I went to the doctors the other dag and I said, 'Have u got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.
14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''
15. There's two vis in a tank, and one says ''How do u drive this thing?''
16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other dag but I couldn't find any.
17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.
18. ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''
19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to meld a nuisance caller'', he zei ''Not u again''.
20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a datum but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''
22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
24. A belegd broodje, sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''
25. The other dag I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I zei ''Did u get my drift?''.
26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
27. Went to the paper koop - it had blown away.
28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he zei ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are u two an item?''
30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other dag I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this eend came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.
32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''
33. I was having avondeten, diner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.
36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
37. I swear, the other dag I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it zei ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if u opened it and a socket set fell out!''
38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a schildpad disaster
39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''
40. I zei to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He zei ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.
41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak, kajak were chilly. But when they lit a brand in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that u can't have your kayak, kajak and heat it.
42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
43. u see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
46. I'll tell u what I love doing meer than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
48. Went to the corner koop - bought 4 corners.
49. A zeehond, seal walks into a club...
50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
[HK]
A joke about a male bus passenger insulting a woman's ugly baby has been voted the funniest gag ever told. Researchers examined meer than 1,000 jokes before whittling them down to a final 50 and getting 36,000 people to vote for their favourites. Source: Onepoll.com
Comedy genius Tommy Cooper had door far the most jokes in the list, which also includes gags door Peter Kay and Lee Evans.
Jokes ranged from the legendary one-liner about a zoo with just one dog being a 'shitzu' - to ones about wives, husbands, blondes and foreigners.
The study was carried out after Tim Vine's joke "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell u what, never again." was voted the best of this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
A spokesman for OnePoll, which carried out the research, said: "The majority of these jokes are clean and genuinely funny - but a lot are pretty subjective and what one person finds hilarious, someone else may not.
"It's nice to see jokes from the greats like Tommy Cooper and Les Dawson are still up there and the ugly baby tale is a worthy winner.
"Many of the jokes in the lijst are fairly timeless and will still be making people chuckle in thirty years of more."TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man volgende to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
2. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''
3. ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun koop and buys a handgun. The volgende dag she comes home pagina to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I zei to the Gym instructor "Can u teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green gras of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''
11. I went to the doctors the other dag and I said, 'Have u got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.
14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''
15. There's two vis in a tank, and one says ''How do u drive this thing?''
16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other dag but I couldn't find any.
17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.
18. ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''
19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to meld a nuisance caller'', he zei ''Not u again''.
20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a datum but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''
22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
24. A belegd broodje, sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''
25. The other dag I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I zei ''Did u get my drift?''.
26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
27. Went to the paper koop - it had blown away.
28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he zei ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are u two an item?''
30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other dag I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this eend came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.
32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''
33. I was having avondeten, diner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.
36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
37. I swear, the other dag I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it zei ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if u opened it and a socket set fell out!''
38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a schildpad disaster
39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''
40. I zei to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He zei ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.
41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak, kajak were chilly. But when they lit a brand in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that u can't have your kayak, kajak and heat it.
42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
43. u see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
46. I'll tell u what I love doing meer than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
48. Went to the corner koop - bought 4 corners.
49. A zeehond, seal walks into a club...
50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
1.Buy a kids meal, and play with the toy u get on the middle of the floor.
2.Fill a sok with pennies, and then demand all of the food using the money in the sock.
3.Run through the waiting lines.
4.Buy a burger and give it to the waiter/waitress.
5.Go up to the counter, and before the waiter/waitress can say anything, say "Welcome to McDonalds. How can I take your order?"
6.Give a burnt french fry to a random person across the room.
7.Buy something off the menu, like tacos of baked beans.
8.Go to McDonalds in your bathing suit.
9.Chew as loud as u can so everyone can hear.
10.Run inside and sing Mary Had A Little lam at the top, boven of your lungs.
11.Eat another person's food when they aren't looking.
12.Have a loud conversation with your friend about random things, maybe even a fight (no punches though!)!
13.Rap your meal at the counter.
2.Fill a sok with pennies, and then demand all of the food using the money in the sock.
3.Run through the waiting lines.
4.Buy a burger and give it to the waiter/waitress.
5.Go up to the counter, and before the waiter/waitress can say anything, say "Welcome to McDonalds. How can I take your order?"
6.Give a burnt french fry to a random person across the room.
7.Buy something off the menu, like tacos of baked beans.
8.Go to McDonalds in your bathing suit.
9.Chew as loud as u can so everyone can hear.
10.Run inside and sing Mary Had A Little lam at the top, boven of your lungs.
11.Eat another person's food when they aren't looking.
12.Have a loud conversation with your friend about random things, maybe even a fight (no punches though!)!
13.Rap your meal at the counter.
u wudnt know if there was brood on yer head now wud u if u ask why u wudnt know if there is brood on yer head its cuz it is floating above yer head and u cant see it if the brood is on yer head which u wudnt know at less i told u and if u wud like to get it off dont try to get it off and of eat the brood that is on yer head cuz if u do u will die and to get the brood off of yer head u must go to the bottom of a pool and ask the master of crayons to remove the brood that is on yer head so u can on living without brood on yer head.....if u servived under water that long which i rly doubt u did so wen u die the brood that was once above yer head with haunt yer grave and float above yer grave like the magic floating brood it is so if i tell u that there is brood on yer head i suggest not to do anything cuz it ont even bother u at less u try to remove it yerself only the master of crayons can so just dont do anything and go on living life with a loaf of brood on yer head
The Cabin
I HOPE u ENJOY!
dora!
boots!
come on dora!
do-do-do-do-dora!
do-do-do-do-dora!
do-do-do-do-dora!
do-do-do-do-dora!
lets go!
dora dora dora the explorer!
DORA!
boots and supercool exploradora!
we need your help!
grab your backpack!
lets go!
jump in!
vamonos!
u can lead the way!
hey! hey!
do-do-dora!
do-d-dora!
swiper no swiping!
swiper no swiping! (oh man)
it;s dora the explorer!
--------------------------------------------------
dora dora
ven, ven
dora dora la exploradora
dale con el sol pequeña dora
vamos salta tu puedes niña
consulta a tu mapa
tutu dora tutu dora tutu dora
lets go
The End!
dora!
boots!
come on dora!
do-do-do-do-dora!
do-do-do-do-dora!
do-do-do-do-dora!
do-do-do-do-dora!
lets go!
dora dora dora the explorer!
DORA!
boots and supercool exploradora!
we need your help!
grab your backpack!
lets go!
jump in!
vamonos!
u can lead the way!
hey! hey!
do-do-dora!
do-d-dora!
swiper no swiping!
swiper no swiping! (oh man)
it;s dora the explorer!
--------------------------------------------------
dora dora
ven, ven
dora dora la exploradora
dale con el sol pequeña dora
vamos salta tu puedes niña
consulta a tu mapa
tutu dora tutu dora tutu dora
lets go
The End!
These quotes are Quotes with differnt meanings of fret of just the animal.
“If a fret bites u it is nearly always your own fault.”
“To go rabbit hunting with a dead ferret"
“I'm not sure what the aantal keer bekeken are. I had a private conversation and I did get a feeling ? a feeling. Well, u can't take a feeling to the bank. So, it's up to me to try to fret it out.”
“I can't talk to a man who bears an undeserved animosity towards ferrets.”
“You need that U.N. inspection team in there on the ground. They're the people that can find it and fret it out,”
“We still have a lot of work to do, and we still have to work on recovering prairie dog populations so the ferrets can survive.”
The End!
“If a fret bites u it is nearly always your own fault.”
“To go rabbit hunting with a dead ferret"
“I'm not sure what the aantal keer bekeken are. I had a private conversation and I did get a feeling ? a feeling. Well, u can't take a feeling to the bank. So, it's up to me to try to fret it out.”
“I can't talk to a man who bears an undeserved animosity towards ferrets.”
“You need that U.N. inspection team in there on the ground. They're the people that can find it and fret it out,”
“We still have a lot of work to do, and we still have to work on recovering prairie dog populations so the ferrets can survive.”
The End!
♥If you're asking if I need you,♥
♥The answer is forever♥
♥If you're asking if I'll leave you♥
♥ The answer is never♥
♥If you're asking what I value,♥
♥The answer is you♥
♥If you're asking if I love you♥
♥The answer is I do♥
☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮
READ THIS!!! I didn't write this poem, I found it earlier today.
♥The answer is forever♥
♥If you're asking if I'll leave you♥
♥ The answer is never♥
♥If you're asking what I value,♥
♥The answer is you♥
♥If you're asking if I love you♥
♥The answer is I do♥
☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮☮
READ THIS!!! I didn't write this poem, I found it earlier today.
