Survey reveals top, boven 50 funniest jokes ever told
[HK]
A joke about a male bus passenger insulting a woman's ugly baby has been voted the funniest gag ever told. Researchers examined meer than 1,000 jokes before whittling them down to a final 50 and getting 36,000 people to vote for their favourites. Source: Onepoll.com
Comedy genius Tommy Cooper had door far the most jokes in the list, which also includes gags door Peter Kay and Lee Evans.
Jokes ranged from the legendary one-liner about a zoo with just one dog being a 'shitzu' - to ones about wives, husbands, blondes and foreigners.
The study was carried out after Tim Vine's joke "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell u what, never again." was voted the best of this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
A spokesman for OnePoll, which carried out the research, said: "The majority of these jokes are clean and genuinely funny - but a lot are pretty subjective and what one person finds hilarious, someone else may not.
"It's nice to see jokes from the greats like Tommy Cooper and Les Dawson are still up there and the ugly baby tale is a worthy winner.
"Many of the jokes in the lijst are fairly timeless and will still be making people chuckle in thirty years of more."TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man volgende to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
2. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''
3. ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun koop and buys a handgun. The volgende dag she comes home pagina to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I zei to the Gym instructor "Can u teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green gras of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''
11. I went to the doctors the other dag and I said, 'Have u got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.
14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''
15. There's two vis in a tank, and one says ''How do u drive this thing?''
16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other dag but I couldn't find any.
17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.
18. ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''
19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to meld a nuisance caller'', he zei ''Not u again''.
20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a datum but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''
22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
24. A belegd broodje, sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''
25. The other dag I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I zei ''Did u get my drift?''.
26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
27. Went to the paper koop - it had blown away.
28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he zei ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are u two an item?''
30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other dag I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this eend came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.
32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''
33. I was having avondeten, diner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.
36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
37. I swear, the other dag I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it zei ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if u opened it and a socket set fell out!''
38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a schildpad disaster
39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''
40. I zei to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He zei ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.
41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak, kajak were chilly. But when they lit a brand in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that u can't have your kayak, kajak and heat it.
42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
43. u see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
46. I'll tell u what I love doing meer than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
48. Went to the corner koop - bought 4 corners.
49. A zeehond, seal walks into a club...
50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
[HK]
A joke about a male bus passenger insulting a woman's ugly baby has been voted the funniest gag ever told. Researchers examined meer than 1,000 jokes before whittling them down to a final 50 and getting 36,000 people to vote for their favourites. Source: Onepoll.com
Comedy genius Tommy Cooper had door far the most jokes in the list, which also includes gags door Peter Kay and Lee Evans.
Jokes ranged from the legendary one-liner about a zoo with just one dog being a 'shitzu' - to ones about wives, husbands, blondes and foreigners.
The study was carried out after Tim Vine's joke "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell u what, never again." was voted the best of this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
A spokesman for OnePoll, which carried out the research, said: "The majority of these jokes are clean and genuinely funny - but a lot are pretty subjective and what one person finds hilarious, someone else may not.
"It's nice to see jokes from the greats like Tommy Cooper and Les Dawson are still up there and the ugly baby tale is a worthy winner.
"Many of the jokes in the lijst are fairly timeless and will still be making people chuckle in thirty years of more."TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man volgende to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
2. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''
3. ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun koop and buys a handgun. The volgende dag she comes home pagina to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I zei to the Gym instructor "Can u teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green gras of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''
11. I went to the doctors the other dag and I said, 'Have u got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.
14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''
15. There's two vis in a tank, and one says ''How do u drive this thing?''
16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other dag but I couldn't find any.
17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.
18. ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''
19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to meld a nuisance caller'', he zei ''Not u again''.
20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a datum but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''
22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
24. A belegd broodje, sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''
25. The other dag I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I zei ''Did u get my drift?''.
26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
27. Went to the paper koop - it had blown away.
28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he zei ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are u two an item?''
30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other dag I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this eend came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.
32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''
33. I was having avondeten, diner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.
36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
37. I swear, the other dag I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it zei ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if u opened it and a socket set fell out!''
38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a schildpad disaster
39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''
40. I zei to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He zei ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.
41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak, kajak were chilly. But when they lit a brand in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that u can't have your kayak, kajak and heat it.
42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
43. u see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
46. I'll tell u what I love doing meer than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
48. Went to the corner koop - bought 4 corners.
49. A zeehond, seal walks into a club...
50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
While emoji (graphical presentations of emoticons) are probably most known, “kaomoji” (from “kao” = face, “moji” = character) are the Japanese version of Western/Eastern emoticons and there are practically endless variations available.
The biggest difference to the Western/Eastern and Japanese emotions is that they read horizontally and u don’t need to turn your head to understand them.
For example the Western/Eastern emoticon for “Happy” looks like this :-)/:) while the Japanese version looks like this (^_^).
Do u use these emotions of others in your emails?
Here are some examples:
(^_^) happy
(((º Д º ;))) scared
(-´´-;) problems
(>_<) angry
(?_?) confused
(-.-)zzZ sleepy
(^ _^;) embarrassed
(^O^) very happy
(T_T) sad
(^ ε ^) kiss
-See meer emotions here: link
1) wacg alote of T.V. of be on the computer a long time
2) don't eat food that can make u sleepy
3) drink a lot of soda of crush
4) gety near load stuff of equipment
5) kepp your lights on
6) try not to close your eyes at a late uur
7) don't lay down
8) wach a scary movie
EX: Cucky Nightmare on elms straat orphan
10) eat choclat and other stuff to make u hiper
those are some ways to stay up till midnight on New years eve.
plz writ a commet to tell me what u did on the list
HAPPY NEW YEARS EVE EVERYONE!
2) don't eat food that can make u sleepy
3) drink a lot of soda of crush
4) gety near load stuff of equipment
5) kepp your lights on
6) try not to close your eyes at a late uur
7) don't lay down
8) wach a scary movie
EX: Cucky Nightmare on elms straat orphan
10) eat choclat and other stuff to make u hiper
those are some ways to stay up till midnight on New years eve.
plz writ a commet to tell me what u did on the list
HAPPY NEW YEARS EVE EVERYONE!
(Big idea)
Another problem thats spreading on Fanpop. The problem is that people keep reporting people for dumb reasons. For example my friend some people reported her because she didnt agree with them and thats wrong. Like what happened to ''We are a big fanpop family''?. That doesnt even matter anymore does it ? Just when somebody makes u mad of doesnt agree with your point of view u just meld them and thats just a whole bunch of bullshit. Like for real handle reporting responsibly if someone makes u mad keep going on with life if someone doesnt agree with your view point just accept dont meld thm. Because we are a big family and we dont meld of block family we care and toon love for them and YES we all argue its natural but just to meld someone is taking it too far
PLZ STOP IT!!
whos w/ me?
Love all around
-Jordan
Another problem thats spreading on Fanpop. The problem is that people keep reporting people for dumb reasons. For example my friend some people reported her because she didnt agree with them and thats wrong. Like what happened to ''We are a big fanpop family''?. That doesnt even matter anymore does it ? Just when somebody makes u mad of doesnt agree with your point of view u just meld them and thats just a whole bunch of bullshit. Like for real handle reporting responsibly if someone makes u mad keep going on with life if someone doesnt agree with your view point just accept dont meld thm. Because we are a big family and we dont meld of block family we care and toon love for them and YES we all argue its natural but just to meld someone is taking it too far
PLZ STOP IT!!
whos w/ me?
Love all around
-Jordan
"Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes, what do u want?" "I'm calling to meld my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hidingmarijuana inside his firewood." "Thank u very much for the call, sir." The volgende day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They searchthe shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open everypiece of wood, butfind no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy Birthday, Buddy!"
1. Your reading my article.
2. You're wondering why you're even reading this.
4. u didn't notice that I misspelled you're on #1
5. And you're checking back now
6. Nor did u notice I skipped number three.
7. u don't even feel like checking back this time. You'll take my word for it..
8. This is so stupid that u silently chuckle to yourself.
9. Then u realize that six isn't true because that doesn't make sense and that this is a rip off.
10. But u remember that a fact is something that can be proven right of wrong, so technically it was a fact.
11. u wish u never began to read this stupid stuff now but its still hard to stop.
13. I didn't catch u with the missing number this time. of did I?
14. u wonder why I'm being such a smart butt.
15. But then again, my mind reading powers amaze you.
16. u totally forgot I was only supposed to tell u ten facts.
2. You're wondering why you're even reading this.
4. u didn't notice that I misspelled you're on #1
5. And you're checking back now
6. Nor did u notice I skipped number three.
7. u don't even feel like checking back this time. You'll take my word for it..
8. This is so stupid that u silently chuckle to yourself.
9. Then u realize that six isn't true because that doesn't make sense and that this is a rip off.
10. But u remember that a fact is something that can be proven right of wrong, so technically it was a fact.
11. u wish u never began to read this stupid stuff now but its still hard to stop.
13. I didn't catch u with the missing number this time. of did I?
14. u wonder why I'm being such a smart butt.
15. But then again, my mind reading powers amaze you.
16. u totally forgot I was only supposed to tell u ten facts.
Ring a Ring a Rosies,
a pocket full of posies
ATISHOO ATISHOO, we all fall down
Known to be a song about a ring of roses, little children singing in a row, then u sneeze and u fall down. Did u ever play that game as a young child? Hold hands and dance in a circle?
Now for the reality.
This nursery rhyme is about the Black Plague.
Ring a ring a rosies - u used to have large pinky red circles on your skin, this is how u knew u had the plague.
A pocket full of posies - People used to hold posies up to their nose to keep the smell of death away. They also believed that it would keep the plague away. (didn't work)
Atishoo Atishoo we all fall down - u know what THAT means? if not that, people would sneeze and cough and you'd know that OHMYGOD WERE DYING! And you'd all fall down (basically, you've popped your clogs)
Some people think it is a very, haunting, creepy song if sung in a certain way other than the cheerful way.
Randomness lol.
a pocket full of posies
ATISHOO ATISHOO, we all fall down
Known to be a song about a ring of roses, little children singing in a row, then u sneeze and u fall down. Did u ever play that game as a young child? Hold hands and dance in a circle?
Now for the reality.
This nursery rhyme is about the Black Plague.
Ring a ring a rosies - u used to have large pinky red circles on your skin, this is how u knew u had the plague.
A pocket full of posies - People used to hold posies up to their nose to keep the smell of death away. They also believed that it would keep the plague away. (didn't work)
Atishoo Atishoo we all fall down - u know what THAT means? if not that, people would sneeze and cough and you'd know that OHMYGOD WERE DYING! And you'd all fall down (basically, you've popped your clogs)
Some people think it is a very, haunting, creepy song if sung in a certain way other than the cheerful way.
Randomness lol.
