Survey reveals top, boven 50 funniest jokes ever told
[HK]
A joke about a male bus passenger insulting a woman's ugly baby has been voted the funniest gag ever told. Researchers examined meer than 1,000 jokes before whittling them down to a final 50 and getting 36,000 people to vote for their favourites. Source: Onepoll.com
Comedy genius Tommy Cooper had door far the most jokes in the list, which also includes gags door Peter Kay and Lee Evans.
Jokes ranged from the legendary one-liner about a zoo with just one dog being a 'shitzu' - to ones about wives, husbands, blondes and foreigners.
The study was carried out after Tim Vine's joke "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell u what, never again." was voted the best of this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
A spokesman for OnePoll, which carried out the research, said: "The majority of these jokes are clean and genuinely funny - but a lot are pretty subjective and what one person finds hilarious, someone else may not.
"It's nice to see jokes from the greats like Tommy Cooper and Les Dawson are still up there and the ugly baby tale is a worthy winner.
"Many of the jokes in the lijst are fairly timeless and will still be making people chuckle in thirty years of more."TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man volgende to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
2. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''
3. ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun koop and buys a handgun. The volgende dag she comes home pagina to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I zei to the Gym instructor "Can u teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green gras of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''
11. I went to the doctors the other dag and I said, 'Have u got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.
14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''
15. There's two vis in a tank, and one says ''How do u drive this thing?''
16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other dag but I couldn't find any.
17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.
18. ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''
19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to meld a nuisance caller'', he zei ''Not u again''.
20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a datum but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''
22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
24. A belegd broodje, sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''
25. The other dag I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I zei ''Did u get my drift?''.
26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
27. Went to the paper koop - it had blown away.
28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he zei ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are u two an item?''
30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other dag I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this eend came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.
32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''
33. I was having avondeten, diner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.
36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
37. I swear, the other dag I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it zei ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if u opened it and a socket set fell out!''
38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a schildpad disaster
39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''
40. I zei to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He zei ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.
41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak, kajak were chilly. But when they lit a brand in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that u can't have your kayak, kajak and heat it.
42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
43. u see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
46. I'll tell u what I love doing meer than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
48. Went to the corner koop - bought 4 corners.
49. A zeehond, seal walks into a club...
50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
[HK]
A joke about a male bus passenger insulting a woman's ugly baby has been voted the funniest gag ever told. Researchers examined meer than 1,000 jokes before whittling them down to a final 50 and getting 36,000 people to vote for their favourites. Source: Onepoll.com
Comedy genius Tommy Cooper had door far the most jokes in the list, which also includes gags door Peter Kay and Lee Evans.
Jokes ranged from the legendary one-liner about a zoo with just one dog being a 'shitzu' - to ones about wives, husbands, blondes and foreigners.
The study was carried out after Tim Vine's joke "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell u what, never again." was voted the best of this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
A spokesman for OnePoll, which carried out the research, said: "The majority of these jokes are clean and genuinely funny - but a lot are pretty subjective and what one person finds hilarious, someone else may not.
"It's nice to see jokes from the greats like Tommy Cooper and Les Dawson are still up there and the ugly baby tale is a worthy winner.
"Many of the jokes in the lijst are fairly timeless and will still be making people chuckle in thirty years of more."TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man volgende to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
2. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''
3. ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun koop and buys a handgun. The volgende dag she comes home pagina to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I zei to the Gym instructor "Can u teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green gras of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''
11. I went to the doctors the other dag and I said, 'Have u got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.
14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''
15. There's two vis in a tank, and one says ''How do u drive this thing?''
16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other dag but I couldn't find any.
17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.
18. ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''
19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to meld a nuisance caller'', he zei ''Not u again''.
20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a datum but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''
22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
24. A belegd broodje, sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''
25. The other dag I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I zei ''Did u get my drift?''.
26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
27. Went to the paper koop - it had blown away.
28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he zei ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are u two an item?''
30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other dag I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this eend came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.
32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''
33. I was having avondeten, diner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.
36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
37. I swear, the other dag I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it zei ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if u opened it and a socket set fell out!''
38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a schildpad disaster
39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''
40. I zei to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He zei ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.
41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak, kajak were chilly. But when they lit a brand in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that u can't have your kayak, kajak and heat it.
42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
43. u see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
46. I'll tell u what I love doing meer than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
48. Went to the corner koop - bought 4 corners.
49. A zeehond, seal walks into a club...
50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
Robotnik: Snooping as usual I see! *Talks faster* Snooping as usual *Slows down* I see!
SeanTheHedgehog: *Sitting at a tafel, tabel in front of a laptop* Twas a long time ago, longer now than it seems, when a movie called The Nightmare Before Christmas was released. And then twenty three years later, Overwatch was created. If u haven't seen a combination of Overwatch with The Nightmare Before Christmas, I'd say it's time u begin now.
Song (Start at 1:19): link
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A scare kraai spins around clockwise as the wind blows. We are on the Hollywood map, decked out in Halloween decor.
Reapers: *Singing*...
Suppose letters looked backwards, sideways, completely out of place, or reflected, moving or different colors for you.
See captions of pictures^
Queen Heenim is a member of Fanpop. She's a big fan of Maruko. She's a writer on a website named Wattpad.
Queen Heenim is a great friend. She's always been very polite, sweet, and a good person. She knows how to make her vrienden happier when they're not in that great of a mood. She cares a lot about her vrienden and she works really hard to help them out.
Her artikels and Haikus are really good. They have a lot of emotion in them. Her artikels and Haikus have a special feeling of care and sweetness. It's a treat to read her work. I recommend her artikels and Haikus.
Thank u Queen Heenim for being a wonderful person, friend, writer, and Fanpop member. It's an honor to be one of your friends.
Queen Heenim is a great friend. She's always been very polite, sweet, and a good person. She knows how to make her vrienden happier when they're not in that great of a mood. She cares a lot about her vrienden and she works really hard to help them out.
Her artikels and Haikus are really good. They have a lot of emotion in them. Her artikels and Haikus have a special feeling of care and sweetness. It's a treat to read her work. I recommend her artikels and Haikus.
Thank u Queen Heenim for being a wonderful person, friend, writer, and Fanpop member. It's an honor to be one of your friends.
Robotnik: Snooping as usual I see! *Talks faster* Snooping as usual *Slows down* I see!
Car Stereotypes
There are many different types of cars for many different types of people. Observe.
Audi
Man: *Driving a black A6 at 80 miles an uur down the highway* Get out of the fucking way!!! *Pushes a Cadillac off the road*
Woman: *Crashes into a tree* Maniac!
Man: *Tailgating a Jaguar that is actually going the speed of 55* Come on, don't u know what the speed is?! *Honks the horn* Let's go!! *Honks again* I don't have time for this!! *Bumps into the Jaguar, and makes it crash...
