Survey reveals top, boven 50 funniest jokes ever told
[HK]
A joke about a male bus passenger insulting a woman's ugly baby has been voted the funniest gag ever told. Researchers examined meer than 1,000 jokes before whittling them down to a final 50 and getting 36,000 people to vote for their favourites. Source: Onepoll.com
Comedy genius Tommy Cooper had door far the most jokes in the list, which also includes gags door Peter Kay and Lee Evans.
Jokes ranged from the legendary one-liner about a zoo with just one dog being a 'shitzu' - to ones about wives, husbands, blondes and foreigners.
The study was carried out after Tim Vine's joke "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell u what, never again." was voted the best of this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
A spokesman for OnePoll, which carried out the research, said: "The majority of these jokes are clean and genuinely funny - but a lot are pretty subjective and what one person finds hilarious, someone else may not.
"It's nice to see jokes from the greats like Tommy Cooper and Les Dawson are still up there and the ugly baby tale is a worthy winner.
"Many of the jokes in the lijst are fairly timeless and will still be making people chuckle in thirty years of more."TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man volgende to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
2. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''
3. ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun koop and buys a handgun. The volgende dag she comes home pagina to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I zei to the Gym instructor "Can u teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green gras of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''
11. I went to the doctors the other dag and I said, 'Have u got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.
14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''
15. There's two vis in a tank, and one says ''How do u drive this thing?''
16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other dag but I couldn't find any.
17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.
18. ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''
19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to meld a nuisance caller'', he zei ''Not u again''.
20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a datum but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''
22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
24. A belegd broodje, sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''
25. The other dag I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I zei ''Did u get my drift?''.
26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
27. Went to the paper koop - it had blown away.
28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he zei ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are u two an item?''
30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other dag I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this eend came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.
32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''
33. I was having avondeten, diner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.
36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
37. I swear, the other dag I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it zei ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if u opened it and a socket set fell out!''
38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a schildpad disaster
39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''
40. I zei to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He zei ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.
41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak, kajak were chilly. But when they lit a brand in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that u can't have your kayak, kajak and heat it.
42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
43. u see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
46. I'll tell u what I love doing meer than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
48. Went to the corner koop - bought 4 corners.
49. A zeehond, seal walks into a club...
50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
[HK]
A joke about a male bus passenger insulting a woman's ugly baby has been voted the funniest gag ever told. Researchers examined meer than 1,000 jokes before whittling them down to a final 50 and getting 36,000 people to vote for their favourites. Source: Onepoll.com
Comedy genius Tommy Cooper had door far the most jokes in the list, which also includes gags door Peter Kay and Lee Evans.
Jokes ranged from the legendary one-liner about a zoo with just one dog being a 'shitzu' - to ones about wives, husbands, blondes and foreigners.
The study was carried out after Tim Vine's joke "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell u what, never again." was voted the best of this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
A spokesman for OnePoll, which carried out the research, said: "The majority of these jokes are clean and genuinely funny - but a lot are pretty subjective and what one person finds hilarious, someone else may not.
"It's nice to see jokes from the greats like Tommy Cooper and Les Dawson are still up there and the ugly baby tale is a worthy winner.
"Many of the jokes in the lijst are fairly timeless and will still be making people chuckle in thirty years of more."TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man volgende to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
2. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''
3. ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun koop and buys a handgun. The volgende dag she comes home pagina to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I zei to the Gym instructor "Can u teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green gras of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''
11. I went to the doctors the other dag and I said, 'Have u got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.
14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''
15. There's two vis in a tank, and one says ''How do u drive this thing?''
16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other dag but I couldn't find any.
17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.
18. ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''
19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to meld a nuisance caller'', he zei ''Not u again''.
20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a datum but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''
22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
24. A belegd broodje, sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''
25. The other dag I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I zei ''Did u get my drift?''.
26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
27. Went to the paper koop - it had blown away.
28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he zei ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are u two an item?''
30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other dag I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this eend came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.
32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''
33. I was having avondeten, diner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.
36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
37. I swear, the other dag I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it zei ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if u opened it and a socket set fell out!''
38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a schildpad disaster
39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''
40. I zei to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He zei ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.
41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak, kajak were chilly. But when they lit a brand in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that u can't have your kayak, kajak and heat it.
42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
43. u see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
46. I'll tell u what I love doing meer than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
48. Went to the corner koop - bought 4 corners.
49. A zeehond, seal walks into a club...
50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
Episode 3 has arrived!
Welcome to my complete character index! Basically, over the years I've made up a lot of either my own characters, of added existing ones from shows and whatnot for the sake of entertainment and imagination.
And in this one, you'll see all of them from A-Z, as well as their history. So without further ado, let's get this night off right!
AnimuLuvr21
First Appearance: A dag In The Life Of A Fanpop User
(The character above is Konata Izumi from Lucky Star)
A character I made in one of my skit articles, and I do plan on using her in meer articles, as long as the context fits well.
Personality is...
continue reading...
And in this one, you'll see all of them from A-Z, as well as their history. So without further ado, let's get this night off right!
AnimuLuvr21
First Appearance: A dag In The Life Of A Fanpop User
(The character above is Konata Izumi from Lucky Star)
A character I made in one of my skit articles, and I do plan on using her in meer articles, as long as the context fits well.
Personality is...
Unfortunately, I have been caught up in other issues for the past week and there is thus no new schildpad belegd broodje, sandwich this week. But I am writing this to establish many things, seeing as although I didn't have much "doing stuff" time, I had plenty of time to think.
1. Despite delays individual to this week, I will have time in the future to make this work on a weekly basis, and so it will stay that way.
2. I have thought meer about how video games would work with this, and decided that they actually wouldn't.
3. Between films and TV shows, I want there to be some schedule for the order of them. But I also realize that I watch films far meer often than entire seasons of TV shows, and that a lot of people are probably the same on that. Therefore, for every month, I will select the last Tuesday to be for TV shows, and the rest will be movies.
I am sorry for failing this city (or whatever city u might live in) this week, but I will attempt to make meer time for this in the future.
1. Despite delays individual to this week, I will have time in the future to make this work on a weekly basis, and so it will stay that way.
2. I have thought meer about how video games would work with this, and decided that they actually wouldn't.
3. Between films and TV shows, I want there to be some schedule for the order of them. But I also realize that I watch films far meer often than entire seasons of TV shows, and that a lot of people are probably the same on that. Therefore, for every month, I will select the last Tuesday to be for TV shows, and the rest will be movies.
I am sorry for failing this city (or whatever city u might live in) this week, but I will attempt to make meer time for this in the future.
I've been meaning to do this for a while. This is a countdown, meaning that number one is the best. Also, this is just my personal opinion so keep your rude commentaren to yourself. I hope u like it and please tell me what u think.
10. Gilda Radner. A talented lady.
9. Maia Morgenstern. Mother of Jesus in Passion of the Christ.
8. Robert Shaw. Ole Quint.
7. Divine. Love him or hate him, you've got to admire his guts.
6. Natalie Wood. Soooo pretty! I've got a crush on her.
5. Lionel Barrymore. A wonderful actor.
4. Sharon Tate. What a woman! My ultimate girl crush.
3. Fred Rogers. Big part of my childhood.
2. G.W. Bailey. Aww, love this guy!
1. Sal Mineo. Oh my gosh, I LOVE LOVE LOVE this man! The first time I saw him was on ‘Escape from the Planet of the Apes’. I’ve been in love with him for many years. He's the stuff dreams are made of.
1-Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper of self-confidence.
(Robert Frost)
2-The roots of education are bitter but the fruit is sweet.
(Aristotle)
3-Education is the most powerful weapon which u can use to change the future. (Nelson Mandela)
4-Education is not learning of facts , but the training of minds to think. (Albert Einstein)
5-Education is not preparation for life, Education is life
itself (John Dewey)
6-Education is the movement from darkness to light.
(Allan Bloom)
7-The highest result of education is tolerance.
(Helen Keller)
(Robert Frost)
2-The roots of education are bitter but the fruit is sweet.
(Aristotle)
3-Education is the most powerful weapon which u can use to change the future. (Nelson Mandela)
4-Education is not learning of facts , but the training of minds to think. (Albert Einstein)
5-Education is not preparation for life, Education is life
itself (John Dewey)
6-Education is the movement from darkness to light.
(Allan Bloom)
7-The highest result of education is tolerance.
(Helen Keller)
When a guy flirts with other women.while out with his girl, it. may be he is just trying to be funny and charming of seem polite. of he may secretly be feeling insecure. Maybe he fears his gal is still.into her ex, of worries she may be seeing simeone else besides him. He wont come out and say his fears, so rather he tries to appear meer of a stud flirting with ladies. What he may not realize is this drives a gal away and makes her feel unimportant. How would a guy like it if a gal behaved that way toward him? Does anyone have any suggestions how to deal with this obnoxious male behavior? Does a gal call him out on it? of simply walk away, as I did from a guy I loved a lot, and not call him out on it, just simply tell him, "You hurt me."?
Let's do this.
