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posted by lloonny
1. Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
2. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas
3. Chuck Norris will never have a hart-, hart attack. His hart-, hart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
4. If at first u don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
5. Chuck Norris can set ants on brand with a magnifying glass. At night.
6. Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.
7. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
8. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
9....
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posted by x-menobsessed26
Useful Hawaiian Phrases
On the Plane
My how your perfume fills the entire cabin!
'A'ala maoli keia wahi o kakou i kau wai 'ala kuikawa!


If I snore, I would like to apologize in advance
Ke nono au, e kala mua mai, i keia manawa ho'i.


I am filled with admiration for my in-flight meal
Kahaha ko'u na'au i ke 'ano o ka mea 'ai ma keia mokulele.


Only six dollars for a headset? Why thats only three dollars per ear!
Eono kala no ka ho'olohe lekio? 'O ia ho'i, 'ekolu wale no kala o kahi pepeiao!


Baby, Severe Turbulance is my middle name
E ku'u kumu e, mai hopohopo, ua kapa 'ia ko'u inoa waena, 'o ia 'o Severe...
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posted by yukikiyruu
Sleeping Beauty: Perfect for the sleepyheads.
Dolly Wholly: This name is perfect for the well-dressed girl.
Honey Bunny: Ideal for your playful girlfriend.
Cutsie Wootsie: This cute name is excellent to say when u are pinching her cheeks with both hands.
Pretty Eyes: If your girlfriend has crystal-clear, beautiful eyes, then u may call her door this cute name.
Princess: It is a perfect name for your girlfriend, if she has that little girl spirit.
Pumpkin: This name can be used for casual moments.
Doll Face: This name is perfect for a girl with a cute face.
Beautiful: It is a simple but effective...
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posted by happyfreak
A friend of mine has another friend that is addicted to meth. She found this and gave it to her friend. She then gave me a copy because she zei it was sad and cared enough to let me know what meth is and does.

This poem was written door a young Indiana girl who was in jail for drug charges, and was addicted to Meth. She wrote this while in jail. As u will soon read, she fully grasped the horrors of the drug, as she tells in this simple, yet profound poem. She was released from jail, but, true to her story, the drug owned her. They found her dead not long after, with the needle still in her...
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posted by spunkyonyx
If u have 3 quarters, 4 dimes, and 4 pennies, u have $1.19. u also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

The numbers '172' can be found on the back of the U.S. $5 dollar bill in the bushes at the base of the lincoln Memorial.

President Kennedy was the fastest random speaker in the world with upwards of 350 words per minute.

In the average lifetime, a person will walk the equivalent of 5 times around the equator.

Odontophobia is the fear of teeth.

The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottles represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once...
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posted by cute20k
Do u have a dirty mind?

1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause u to spit and ask u not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?







A dentist

2. A finger goes in me. u fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?






A wedding ring

3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?






Peanut butter

4. I go in hard. I come out soft. u blow me hard . What am I?






Chewing gum

5. All dag long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?






An elevator

6. I...
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posted by cute20k
Here are the signs:

1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.

2. Someone at work tells u a joke and u say "LOL".

3. u watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.

4. u have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other.

5. u keep begging your vrienden to get an account so "we can hang out".

6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

7. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to- face.

8. u have to get a 2d phone line just so u can call pizza Hut.

9. u go into labour and u stop to type a special e-mail to let everyone know you're...
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Here with me, I’ve got 99 facts!

Guys don’t actually look after good-looking girls. they prefer neat and presentable girls.
Guys hate other flirts.
A guy can like u for a minute, and then forget u afterwards.
When a guy says he doesn’t understand you, it simply means you’re not thinking the way he is.
Are u doing something?” of “Have u eaten already?” are the first usual vragen a guy asks on the phone just to get out from stammering.
Guys may be flirting around all dag but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about.
When a guy really likes...
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posted by invadercalliope
Ok today i'm going to tell u a story!
Mrs.green: Class today is friday and this is your last peried but still doesn't give u the right to slack off! ARE WE CLEAR!
Class: YES MA'AM!
Cheral:Hi i'm Cheral this is my class i'm in the seventh grade and it's been a fun year!
Tabbi:Hi i'm new in the class i have only been here for a week and it's been fun! my rival here is cheral we sometimes have a fight with umm braging in it it's a never win of lose fight its one of those that u hate.
Cheral:Do u have that one girl that u don't like naturaly its not that we figght about whose better its that...
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posted by Cantwait4book5
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a stier so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize stier for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact u to drive out after me and haul it home.”

The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects...
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posted by EllentheStrange
I am anti emo,because I don't the idea of them

mutilating themselves for no reason.I mean

sure,you have bullies at school and your mom

hates you,but I have those same problems.But I

don't cut,or dink,or do drugs.Emo Kids are just

pissing their life away cutting and killing

themselves over their little problems.You live in

a small town,nobody feels sorry for you.get a

haircut.There's no point to get

yourself.Everybody has problems.Deal with

them,but don't cut.Write of draw.Listen to music.

Do something else besides cut.And the posers are

even worst so I dislike them even more.They think

it will...
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posted by 2dolphn97
Ok this is what i do when i like a boy so just saying NOT AN EXPERT!if some of u do the same thing say so in your comments. if this helps u guys, GREAT! if anyone has any vragen most likely i will be meer than happy to help ok here it goes.....ps dont make fun of my spelling ok NOW here it goes.....
1)i twirl my hair between my fingers
2)i constantly look at them (corner of my eye not ful-on-makes-you-think-im-a-stalker-chick look)yet when they are talking to me i act shy and look at their shoes
3)i laugh even when they're jokes are stupid
4)i get real nervous when they are around and act...
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posted by KitkatKaysa
Gemini.
Your element: Air
Your ruling planets: Mercury
Symbol: The Twins
Your stone: Aquamarine
Life Pursuit: To explore a little bit of everything.
Vibration: Intense mental energy
Gemini's Secret Desire: To be ahead of the crowd


Description:
In ancient Greek mythology, Gemini's ruler - Mercury, was the light-footed messenger of the gods who darted back and forth across the heavens delivering news - which might explain why those born under the sign of the 'Twins' are always on the move; thirsty for knowledge and new experiences. Terminally curious and sometimes even mischievous, Geminis are...
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posted by cutiegirl01
1. Don't say we are bitches unless u want our brothers to come after u.

2. If we say we love u u better say it back of u better eend and run.

3. If u hit us trust me when i say u just drove into fuckville.

4. When we ask u to "give us some space" u better get as far as u can.

5. If u cheat on us u may want to hide and stay hiden.

6. *4 middle school kids* If u want to get serious like in bed serious u have to be jokeing of high of SOMETHING!

7. If we say we're pissed off keep the hell out of our way.

8. *keep in mind* never and i mean NEVER say that we need to calm down.

9. *important* NEVER TELL US WHAT TO DO! NEVER!!!

10. Be sure to remind us that we're beautiful because we can be insecure.

11. When we ask if these pants make our butts look big AWAYS SAY NO!!

12. Sometimes we just want to be huged of some wa to know u love us.
posted by karpach_13
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
A: The blonde works in the dark!

Q: How can u tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The bedieningshendel, joystick is wet.

Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her meer attractive?
A: Her ankles.

Q: What do u say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."

Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are u boys all in the same band?
A3: Do u guys all play for the Green baai, bay Packers?

Q: How do u make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: What does a screen door and a blonde...
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posted by karpach_13
The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. u have to catch it yourself. ~Benjamin Franklin


Even if happiness forgets u a little bit, never completely forget about it. ~Jacques Prévert


If u want to be happy, be. ~Leo Tolstoy


Happiness is never stopping to think if u are. ~Palmer Sondreal


Most people would rather be certain they're miserable, than risk being happy. ~Robert Anthony


The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. ~Mark Twain


If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time. ~Edith Wharton


Happiness...
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posted by karpach_13
101 FUN THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them
and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minuut intervals
throughout the day.

4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people u can get
to kom bij in.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department door sampling all the
spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as u see fit.

9. When there are...
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posted by MrssBieber320
Ever met that one person that u just wanna stempel, punch in the face , then someohow , u end up in a relationship with them , u fall in love , and then watch things crash and burn in your face (and thats not the only thing u want to burn either (:]) Well if u still have feelings for that person im gonna help u get him/her back , note that this may only work for a girl though , cuause guys cant hit us , but we can surelly slap u guys (: , ohk so u could first start off door doing q of two simple things
1) light all the stuuf he gave u on brand ... on his front lawn
2) give them back to...
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posted by karpach_13
Be proud of your gender
Reasons why u shoud be proud if your a

Guy



1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconden flat

2. Movie nudity is almost always female

3. u know stuff about tanks

4. A five dag vacation requires only 1 suitcase

5. Toilet lines are 80% shorter

6. u can open all your own jars

7. Old vrienden don't give u crap if you've gained weight

8. Your ezel is never a factor in a job interview

9. All your orgasms are real

10. A bier gut does not make u invisible to the opposite sex

11. u can go to the toilet without a support group

12. Your last name stays put

13. u can kill your own...
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posted by karpach_13
New ways to order pizza
Are u tired of always ordering pizza the same way? Well, this lists will keep u entertained for over 90 pizza orders!!!

1. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

2. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh,...
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